Uncanny Excalibur
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: Chapter 38: Captain Britain's team fights the mind controlled heroes, while Pete Wisdom and the others look for the one behind the whole mess. Part of the Uncanny Marvel Universe.
1. Roll Call

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 1: Roll Call**

**By**

**The Uncanny X-Men**

**Special thanks to-**

**L1701E**

**Disclaimer- **_I don't own anything, Meggan, Brian, Dr Strange, the Enchantress and all those guys belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to L1701E. For more about Razor and Sonic Blue, read L1071E's stuff._

* * *

**Dr Strange's Sanctum Sanctorium-**

Dr Steven Strange, aka the Sorcerer Supreme Dr Strange, was meditating in his private chambers. That was until his attention was caught by a rather large wave of magical energy emanating from the general direction of Britain.

'By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggarth!' Strange gasped. 'The prophecy of Phyrria was correct. I must assemble heroes before the Dread Lord returns!'

With the initial shock over, Strange prepared himself to project his astral form.

* * *

**Braddock Manor; London, England- **

Brian and Meggan Braddock were sleeping peacefully in their beds. Their baby daughter, Betsy Braddock the Second was snoozing away in her cot beside them.

Meggan woke up with a gasp.

'Brian, wake up!' Meggan said, gently shaking her husband. 'There's somebody here.'

Brian groaned and rubbed his eyes.

'I'm sure it's only the wind, luv.' Brian replied. 'Go back to sleep.'

'It's not the wind.' Meggan said. 'I can sense somebody in the house.'

'Is Betsy alright?' Brian asked concernedly.

'Yeah, she's still snoozing away.' Meggan replied.

Ever since Brian and Baby Betsy had been kidnapped by the insane Jamie Braddock, Brian's older brother, emotions had been running high. The whole ordeal had taken a lot out of the empathic Meggan.

Brian knew better than to dismiss his wife's senses so he got up out of bed and pulled on a robe.

'Meggan, you make sure Betsy's alright, I'm going to check it out.'

'Be careful, luv.' Meggan replied as she carefully lifted Baby Betsy out of her cot and held her close.

Brian nodded in reply and went to investigate whether they had any intruders.

'_I apologise for the ungodly hour.' _

'What the Hell?' Brian hissed as he turned around. 'Dr Strange, what're you doing here?'

'_I regret that we must depart with haste.' _Strange replied. _'I will explain once the others have been found.'_

'Other, what others?' Brian asked. 'What about Meggan? I can't just leave her with the baby.'

'_Your wife is needed too.' _Strange replied. _'Do not worry about your daughter, I am placing an enchantment over her, she will be quite safe.'_

'Okay, you sound serious so I'm going to trust you on this one.' Brian nodded. 'Never a good night's sleep nowadays.' He muttered under his breath.

* * *

**Amora's personal quarters, Asgard-**

Amora, aka the Asgardian Enchantress, was awoken form her slumber by a strange sensation. She rolled over to check on the state of her latest conquest, he was still unconscious so he couldn't be the one making her feel that way.

'_Enchantress, I have urgent need of your talents.'_

'Who dares?' Amora hissed. 'Show theeself whelp, so I may flay thee where thou dost stand!'

_'I am Dr Steven Strange, we must make haste before the whole universe, Earth and Asgard both are destroyed.'_

'I sense that thou art being truthful, Strange.' Amora replied. 'How doth thou needst the Enchantress?'

_'If you follow me, all will be made clear.'_

Amora waved her hand and her usual green and black robes appeared around herself.

'The Enchantress is ready.'

Strange's astral projection merely nodded and conjured up a stepping disc.

* * *

**Las Vegas- **

Alison Blaire, aka the mutant songstress Dazzler, was in her dressing room after her latest concert.

_'Alison Blaire, you are needed.'_

'Oh crap, this isn't an X-Thing is it?' Alison groaned. 'I told them I wanted to concentrate on my musical career!'

'The universe is in danger and you are one of the only people that can stop this from happening.'

'And how do I know you're not some obsessed fan trying to kidnap me?' Alison asked sceptically.

_'I am Dr Steven Strange and I require your assistance.'_

'Ah, so that's why you're all spangly and talking in my head then.' Alison nodded. 'The Vegas gig was dead anyway.'

Strange opened up a stepping disc and Alison stepped in.

* * *

**The home of Sonic Blue, Cincinnatti-**

Spencer Allen Burton, aka Cleveland's very own Sonic Blue, was chilling at home watching TV. That was until a shiver ran down his spine.

'That's weird, I didn't leave the air-conditioning on.' Spencer said to himself as he adjusted his long brown hair back into its usual ponytail and looked around the room.

_'Spencer Allen Burton, your assistance is needed.'_

Spencer let out a yelp of fear at the sound of the sudden voice and fell off the couch.

'Geez! Who was that?'

_'I am Dr Steven Strange, all reality is in danger and I require your help.'_

'Not that I'm against this or anything but, why me?' Spencer asked. 'It's not like I've got the power levels of guys like Iron Man or Thor, why not ask them?'

_'If we are to prevent the approaching danger, Sonic Blue will be needed, as well as your keen mind.'_

'Okay, seems good enough to me.' Spencer shrugged. 'Lead on Doc.'

Strange nodded and conjured up another stepping disc to transport them away.

* * *

**Cleveland-**

In the city of Cleveland, the city's local hero was going about his usual business. This hero was Kid Razor. Razor was using his enchanted guitar to allow him to fly through the sky above his city on his search for bad guys that needed beating. Alas, it was a slow day and Kid Razor was about to go home when…

_'Robert Redford Parkins, your assistance is needed.'_

Razor spun around and saw a spangly blue guy with a beard floating in front if him.

'How do you know the Kid of Rock's real name?' Razor demanded.

_'I am Dr Steven Strange, I know all there is to know.'_

'If you're so all-powerful, why are you here bothering the Kid of Rock? Why not sort this problem out yourself?' Razor replied. 'The Kid of Rock's awesomeness is needed elsewhere.'

_'Wait…'_ Strange said, stopping Razor from flying away. _'I have recruited several attractive women into my cause…'_

'Now that's more like it.' Kid Razor grinned. 'The Kid of Rock loves the ladies and the ladies love the Kid of Rock!'

Strange merely smirked, glad that the ploy had worked and conjured up a stepping disc to take them back home.

* * *

**Dr Strange's Sanctum Sanctorium-**

Dr Strange and Kid Razor stepped through the stepping disc and found them back at Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum. As well as Kid Razor and his sometimes teammate Sonic Blue, Brian and Meggan Braddock, the Enchantress and Dazzler, Strange had recruited the villain-turned-hero Molten Man, the Avenger known as Warbird and a bedraggled biker, Danny Ketch.

'I see Strange press-ganged you into this as well.' Spencer, now in his Sonic Blue armour, said as he saw his friend arrive.

'The Kid of Rock loves a party.' Razor replied. 'Now, let's take a look at the ladies…'

Razor cast an eye over the assembled woman in the room.

'Oh great, so we've got the walking hormone bomb in the team.' Warbird snorted. 'This venture's going to be a whole load of fun.'

'You know you love me, sugar.' Razor winked.

Warbird just rolled her eyes and turned away.

'You said that you'd tell us what this is all about once everybody had arrived.' Brian said. 'So why are we all here?'

'And why do you want me here?' Blaze asked. 'My… talents will only cause trouble.'

'I recruited all of you here for a reason.' Strange replied. 'You are all integral parts in defending this reality form a most fearful threat.'

'Don't tell me, it's the stick that's always lodged up Cyclops's ass.' Kid Razor quipped.

A small snicker rose from the assembled heroes but Strange stayed serious.

'This is the threat that you must face…' Strange said as he waved his hands and a yellow disc appeared. Inside the disc was a picture of something that looked like a humanoid head, but covered in flames.

'This is the Dread Lord Dormammu!' Strange said. 'I have managed to prevent him from breaching the barrier between his reality and ours but he has become strong and that is where you come in.'

'Oh great, magic is always so much fun.' Molten Man groaned.

'Doth thou have something personal against magic, mortal?' Enchantress asked.

'I'm a scientist at heart.' Molten Man replied. 'I don't really believe in that stuff.'

'Magic is real, trust me.' Meggan added. 'Take it form somebody that's had experience. Not as much as the Enchantress though…'

'Let's go kick this guy's ass already.' Kid Razor said. 'The Kid of Rock wants to get this show on the road already.'

'I will conjure a stepping disc to get you to your destination.' Strange said. 'But I must warn you, it is a dangerous path ahead…'

'Pff, the Kid of Rock eat danger for breakfast.' Razor snorted.

'I thought you liked Fruit Loops for breakfast.' Sonic Blue replied.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Lim-Bo' Selecta**

_The team finds themselves in Limbo and must fight hoards of demons if they are to find a way to defeat Dormammu. Guest starring: Amanda Sefton._


	2. LimBo' Selecta!

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 2: Lim-Bo' Selecta!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to __L1071E._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**TheLegendaryManHimself- **_Yeah, it seems like I assembled the team randomly, doesn't it? Just threw them together…_

**Aslyin- **_Nice to see that you're alive darlin'. Is it me or does it seem that I'm trying to flood ffnet with my URM stories? Heh. If you want something familiar in the URM-Verse try _The Uncanny New X-Men._ Jean, Scott, Kitty, Piotr, Emma, Hank, they're all in there. And the only people that you won't know will be the ones I kill off, so no big there. ;)_

* * *

**Limbo-**

The dimension of Limbo was a pretty barren place. There wasn't much of a landscape, just endless desolate planes and foreboding mountains. The only structure for miles around was a castle that belonged to the ruler of Limbo Amanda Sefton, aka Jimaine Szardos, aka Daytripper, aka Magik.

Right at this moment, Ms Sefton was rather preoccupied with a hoard of unruly demons that were causing a ruckus in the Northern Planes.

'Okay, you guys break it up!' Amanda demanded. 'Or will I have to take you to the woodshed?'

The demons just turned around and hissed back at her, angry that their fighting had been interrupted.

'The woodshed it is.' Amanda sighed. 'You guys brought this upon yourselves.'

Without even blinking, Amanda conjured up her Soul Sword, eldritch armour and her horned headdress.

'Never a slow day in Limbo.' Amanda sighed as she began to wade into the hoard of demons.

* * *

**A short distance away-**

A short distance away, a magical portal appeared and our heroes piled out. Brian and Meggan Braddock, the Asgardian Enchantress, Kid Razor and Sonic Blue, Dazzler, Warbird, Molten Man and Danny Ketch.

'This place kinda reminds the kid of rock of New Jersey.' Kid Razor quipped. 'No discerning features at all.'

'Apart from that woman down there fighting those demons.' Dazzler replied.

'Oh God, Amanda!' Meggan gasped. 'We have to help her!'

'Excalibur Assemble!' Brian commanded.

'Isn't that copyright infringement?' Sonic Blue asked.

'I'm sure we can all talk about the merits of ripping off other people's catchphrases if and when we survive this.' Warbird replied. 'Now come on, we've got some demons to fight!'

The rest of the heroes leapt in to attack, apart from Danny Ketch that was.

'Battle is upon us Ketch, now ist not the time to turn to cowardice.' Enchantress said.

'I-it's not that.' Ketch replied. 'I'm not sure how my… powers will react to this environment.'

'Say whatever thou wilst.' Enchantress shrugged. 'The Enchantress is off to battle. _For Asgard!'_

With that, the battle was joined, Magik and the newly formed Excalibur against a hoard of demons. The demons didn't have a chance. If they weren't cut down by Amanda's Soul Sword, they were cut down by Meggan's elemental energy blasts, Brian and Molten Man's super-strength or Enchantress's magic spells, they were cut down by blasts of energy from Warbird, light bursts from Dazzler, magical blasts form Razor's guitar or Sonic Blue's sonic blasts.

'Ah, there's nothing the Kid of Rock likes better than cutting loose on a bunch of demons.' Kid Razor said.

'Or hitting on the women non-stop.' Sonic Blue snickered.

'Not that I don't appreciate you guys helping me out, but why exactly are you here?' Amanda asked as she dispatched the last demon.

'Long story short, Dr Strange sent us here.' Meggan replied as she sat down on a rock, slightly out of breath. 'Something about Dormammu playing up.'

'God, that guy never stops.' Amanda sighed. 'I'm honoured that Strange sent you here though.'

Then Amanda noticed the Enchantress standing with the team.

'The Enchantress is in your team? Are you completely mental?'

The rest of the team winced, expecting the Enchantress to kick Amanda's butt for talking to her that way.

'Thou have good reasons to distrust me.' Enchantress replied. 'But there ist really no need to distrust me so, my hell-raising ways have passed.'

'Well I hope you won't mind if I continue being sceptical.' Amanda sniffed. 'I guess you guys had better come into the castle. Anybody hungry?'

'God yeah, I haven't ate anything since breakfast.' Dazzler replied. 'And I think the time difference between Vegas and Limbo has something to do with it as well.'

As the rest of the team followed Amanda into her castle, Enchantress sidled up to Sonic Blue and whispered into her ear.

'Thou art most a most attractive specimen, Spencer Allen Burton, perhaps thou wouldst like to retire to my chambers once this caper hast ended?'

Spencer stopped in his tracks at the thought. Sure, the Enchantress was impossibly beautiful but she was very well known for her dark sexual tastes and Spencer wasn't in to whips, chains and al that stuff.

'Umm, I have to go now…' Spencer replied, his eyes darting about nervously. 'I think I hear Razor calling me…'

'Dude, the Kid of Rock's right here.' Kid Razor said. But it was too late, Sonic Blue had already made his way into the castle.

'_Hmm, that one ist most wily.'_ Enchantress thought to herself. _'But if the Enchantress can seduce the Mighty Thor, she can seduce a mere mortal such as Spencer Allen Burton…'_

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Plans of Action**

_Excalibur makes a plan of attack and the Enchantress continues to try to seduce Spencer quicker than you can say '_Mrs Robinson.'


	3. Plans of Action

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 3: Plans of Action**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to L1071E._

* * *

**Amanda Sefton's Castle, Limbo-**

Spencer Allen Burton, aka Cincinnati's native superhero Sonic Blue, was having a quick time out in one of the many bedrooms in Amanda Sefton's castle. The décor was quite impressive, a massive four-poster bed that would fit the whole Guthrie clan and a shag carpet that made the Amazon Rainforest seem like a pot plant.

Spencer was presently stripped to the waste and was lying on the bed, grabbing a quick nap. He carefully opened an eye as he heard something move in the room.

'Who's there?' Spencer asked as he grabbed one of the gauntlets of his armour suit and pointed the sonic blaster at the noise.

'Ah, it doest seem that I have been found out.' Amora said with a cheeky smile on her face. 'Please be gentle.'

'What do you want, Amora?' Spencer groaned.

'Surely thou hast realised the answer to that question.' Amora replied. 'Perhaps thou wouldst like me to refresh you…'

Spencer gulped nervously as Amora sat down on the bed beside him and ran her hand across his chest.

'Mmm, thou art most muscular, Spencer.' Amora nodded appreciatively. 'Thou hast a body as well as brains.'

'W-well, I-I could say the same for you…' Spencer stuttered, trying desperately not to ogle Amora's cleavage. 'If half the stories I've heard are true…'

'Oh they are.' Amora chuckled. 'Everything thou hast heard about me is true.'

'I-I have to go now.' Spencer said as he tried to get up. 'I wanna meet the others for the battle plan.'

Amora just pushed Spencer back down and straddled him.

'There ist quite a while left until we must meet the others.' Amora replied. 'What doth thou say that we get to know one another better?'

Spencer struggled for a reply as Amora leant closer for a kiss.

'Amora I can't…'

'Don't worry, I shall be gentle…' Amora purred.

Spencer summoned up as much strength as he could and pushed Amora off him.

'I'm sorry Amora but I can't.' Spencer said. 'It's nothing personal…'

Amora just stood there dumbstruck as Spencer grabbed the rest of his armour and left the room.

'Thou art a stubborn one, Spencer Allen Burton. But so ist the Enchantress. Thou wilt be mine, Spencer Allen Burton. Oh yes, thou wilt be mine…'

* * *

**Outside-**

Spencer rushed to the room where the team were supposed to be meeting to discuss their plan of attack on Dormammu's realm. He was trying to run while putting his armour on at the same time. It wasn't that he didn't like Amora, far from it. Amora was one of the most attractive woman that Spencer had ever seen but what if they were to get together? Spencer would gradually get older and eventually die whereas Amora would stay youthful forever.

Spencer almost tripped over one of his boots when Kid Razor walked around the corner with an apple in his hand.

'What's up man, you in a rush or something?' Razor asked as he took a bite out of his apple.

'I-I'm cool.' Spencer replied, his face still flushed from his close encounter with Amora. 'I-I just wanna get to the briefing room before everybody gets started.'

'You know the others won't get started without us man.' Razor said as he patted his friend on the back. 'The rest of those losers wouldn't dare to get this party started without the Kid of Rock!'

'Modest as always, Razor.' Spencer chuckled.

'And damn sexy too.' Razor replied, an award-winning smile spreading on his face. 'Talking about sexy, what's up with you and Enchantress?'

'Nothing's up.' Spencer replied, a little too quickly. 'N-nothing went on in that bedroom…'

'Ah right…' Razor nodded, his grin spreading wider. 'You're making time with the immortal hottie. Kudos my friend, kudos.'

'There is nothing going on between us, Razor.' Spencer replied. 'And since have you ever said kudos?'

'Been looking through the dictionary for some fruity new words to impress the chicks.' Razor replied. 'We live in a liberated society now man, the chicks aren't impressed with just good looks nowadays.'

'Wow, that's rather liberated of you.' Spencer nodded. 'I always figured you'd come around to that sooner or later.'

'You want me to rib on you or something?' Razor teased. 'You ever seen The Graduate…?'

'Oh God no…' Spencer groaned.

'To you Mrs Robinson…'

'Please shut up.' Spencer groaned into his hands.

'Jesus loves you like a son…'

'Since when did you even like Simon and Garfunkle?' Spencer asked.

'Never.' Razor replied. 'They suck. I just wanted to make fun.'

'Yeah, you're a real friend.' Spencer sighed as they walked further down the corridor.

* * *

**The Briefing Room-**

The team was all gathered in the briefing room as they came up with a plan of attack.

'An all-out attack on Dormammu's dimension is out of the question.' Captain Britain said. 'That would just be suicide.'

'Couldn't Amanda whip up a cloaking spell or something?' Warbird asked.

'If only it was that easy.' Amanda replied. 'Dormammu would be able to see through it as soon as we arrived.'

'Enchantress, what about you?' Captain Britain asked.

'A cloaking spell of this size wouldst be most difficult.' Amora replied. 'Especially after the earlier battle. I doth need to rest for a while until I am able to hide the whole team.'

'Razor, your Power of Rock shield makes you invisible to magic, right?' Dazzler asked.

'Just telepathy, babe.' Razor replied. 'If the Big Bad whacks a telepathic whammy on the Kid of Rock, it won't even make a scratch.'

'Can you extend that shied around other people?' Meggan asked. 'Y'know, envelope the whole team so Dormammu can't sense us, telepathically at least.'

'The Kid of Rock hasn't tried that before but he's willing to try.' Razor replied.

'Okay, that's settled then.' Captain Britain nodded. 'Kid Razor, you wrap that shield around as many of the team as you can while the rest of us distract Dormammu long enough to sneak past him. Any preferences?'

'The Kid of Rock would like to have Sonic Blue with him on this one.' Razor replied. 'We'll need his speed to steal this magical MacGuffin.'

'Thanks for the faith, man.' Spencer nodded as he patted his friend on his back. 'I think that we'd need Ghost Rider in with us too. We might need his talent son this one.'

'Don't say I didn't warn you.' Danny Ketch sighed.

'The Kid of Rock would like the hot chicks to join him too.' Razor added. 'And not only in the mission.'

'Just thank yourself lucky that I'm in a good mood, Razor.' Warbird growled.

'The Kid of Rock likes to live dangerously.' Razor chuckled.

'Everybody is with me on distraction detail. You'll be able to hide the rest of us, won't you Enchantress?' Captain Britain asked.

'That shouldn't be too difficult.' Amora replied.

'Okay, let's move out people.' Captain Britain nodded. 'Try not to get killed.'

And with that, the two squads split up and headed off to Dormammu's realm…

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Hellbound Excalibur**

_Uncanny Excalibur takes on the Dread Dormammu, 'nuff said._


	4. Hellbound

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 4: Hellbound**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to L1701E._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Aaron- **_Man, one review. I must be losing it. Pity I never had it. Heh. I'm still undecided whether I'll pair Enchantress up with Spencer but you never know, stranger things have happened. Especially in the URM-Verse. _

* * *

**Author's Note/Gratuitous Plug- **_If you liked this; please check out _'Uncanny Freedom Force'_ by unknown legacy._

* * *

**The Dark Dimension-**

Excalibur stepped through Amanda Sefton's stepping disc and found themselves in the Dark Dimension, Dormammu's home realm. Fortunately, the combined magicks of Amanda Sefton and Enchantress, as well as the anti-telepathy force field conjured by Kid Razor; the team was able to sneak past the myriad of demons and various beasties native to the Dark Dimension.

'Keep it up everybody.' Captain Britain said. 'We're almost at Dormammu's citadel.'

'How do you know where Dormammu's citadel is anyway?' Sonic Blue asked.

'The big ol' castle thing is kind of a giveaway.' Warbird replied, indicating the huge castle type building dominating the landscape beyond them.

'Ask a stupid question.' Sonic Blue shrugged.

Excalibur carried onwards towards the Dread Lord's citadel. Everybody held their breath as they snuck past the inhabitants of the Dark Dimension. They'd rather not think what would happen if the magicks that masked them from detection faltered. Ten heroes against a whole dimension of demons? The chances of survival weren't good.

The team hardly had time to let go of their collective breaths as they finally reached the Dread Lord's citadel.

'Okay, this is it everybody.' Captain Britain said. 'Kid Razor, Sonic Blue, Ghost Rider, Warbird, Dazzler, you sneak into the citadel and find this mystical totem that Dormammu is using to gain access into our realm while Meggan, Molten Man, Enchantress, Amanda and I create a distraction.'

'Are you sure you'll be able to survive?' Dazzler asked. 'You five against an army of demons and Mindless Ones? The odds aren't looking good.'

'Just the odds that I doth prefer.' Enchantress grinned, cracking her knuckles. 'It hast been such a long time since I hast had a good fight.'

'Glad to see that somebody's optimistic.' Molten Man sniffed.

'Well I guess that when you're immortal, you tend to be optimistic.' Meggan shrugged.

'Can we get this show on the road?' Kid Razor asked. 'If we're gonna face some mystical big bad, the Kid of Rock wants to get it over and done with.'

'No truer words have been said.' Captain Britain nodded. 'Okay then team, let's get going.'

The team nodded as they split up and went about their respective tasks. Hopefully this wouldn't end up as a suicide mission…

* * *

**Captain Britain's team-**

Captain Britain and his team carefully snuck around the perimeter of the castle, trying to find any guards. Dormammu's usual choice of muscle was beings known as the Mindless Ones, semi-sentient beings with great strength and one single glowing slit for eyes.

Captain spotted a few of the creatures standing guard over the entrance of the citadel and motioned Enchantress over.

'Amora, could you cast a mind control spell? Something that would set those things off against each other.'

'These creatures doth not have a mind of their own, hence their names. T'would be a simple task.'

Enchantress muttered a few quick words as she cast the spell. No sooner had the last syllable been spoken then the Mindless Ones leapt upon each other, beating on each other with their colossal fists.

'Well that was easy enough.' Meggan said. 'Now for Razor and the others to do their bit.'

* * *

**Kid Razor's team-**

With the Mindless Ones presently engaged in beating each other to a pulp, Kid Razor's team snuck into the citadel with ease.

'Man, this mission is gonna be easy as easy as a telepath.' Kid Razor said.

'Way to go man.' Sonic Blue said. 'Now you've gone and jinxed it.'

'You're too superstitious, dude.' Kid Razor replied. 'Give the Kid of Rock some faith.'

'I'm okay with faith.' Warbird added. 'Just make sure you keep your hands where they're supposed to be and keep your mind on the mission. We don't want to blow this if your hands get busy.'

'Why don't we get together after the mission, baby?' Kid razor asked, a cheeky grin spreading on his face. 'Then you can find out just how busy the Kid of Rock's hand scan get.'

'No thanks kid.' Warbird winced. 'I don't; to cradle snatching.'

'Ooh, burn!' Sonic Blue teased.

'At least the Kid of Rock isn't the one that's being stalked by an immortal.'

'What's the matter, man?' Sonic Blue asked. 'Jealous?'

'As if.' Kid Razor snorted. 'The Kid of Rock could get any immortal he wanted.'

'I'm sure your girlfriend would have something to say about that.' Dazzler added.

'How did you know the Kid of Rock has a girlfriend?' Kid Razor asked.

'I read your SHIELD file.' Dazzler replied. 'It's got all your details on it, your base of operations, right down to what kind of toilet paper you use.'

'Damn Fury ain't got no respect for privacy.' Kid Razor sniffed.

'Keep it down guys.' Sonic Blue said. 'My sensors are picking something up…'

The squad held their breaths as a trio of demons ambled past. Then, without a word of warning, Ghost Rider whipped out his mystical chain and wrapped it around the demons' necks, snapping them like twigs.

'Well that was… easy.' Sonic Blue blinked. 'What do you say we go find this mystical totem thingie?'

'Yeah, let's go do that.' Dazzler replied the skeletal-faced biker up and down.

'Nice to see you getting in one the action, buddy.' Kid Razor said, patting Ghost Rider on the back.

Ghost Rider just looked down at the Kid of Rock, his fiery face as silent and unreadable as ever.

* * *

**Captain Britain-**

Captain Britain and the rest of his team were sneaking around the nether regions of Dormammu's citadel, still on their distraction detail. Whenever they came across a squad of demons, they leapt upon them. The more demons defeated, the less likely Kid Razor and co were to come up against resistance.

Everybody beat down the demons with their respective powers. Captain Britain and Molten Man used their super strength. Meggan used her agility and powers of flight to dart between the slow-moving demons and slugged them on the chins while Enchantress and Amanda Sefton used their respective magick skills.

The demons were soon defeated by the small squad.

'I thought these demons were supposed to be badasses.' Molten Man said. 'They're not all that.'

'You're saying that like a bad thing.' Meggan replied. 'The easier these demons are to beat, the sooner I can go back to my daughter.'

As if in reply, another squad of demons charged around the corner.

'Me and my big mouth.' Meggan muttered as she readied for another attack.

* * *

**Kid Razor-**

Kid Razor's squad stopped outside a room. Beams of light were shining through the bars in the door; it was a fair chance that whatever mystical doo-dad Dormammu was using was in that room.

'Your sensors picking anything up, Spence?' Kid Razor asked. 'Is the Big Bad in there?'

'Yup, he sure is.' Sonic Blue replied. 'You got a plan?'

'Dazzler, you absorb light and change it into sound, right?' Kid Razor asked.

'Afraid not.' Dazzler replied. 'I absorb sound and turn it into light.'

'Crap.' Kid Razor hissed. 'Anybody else got any ideas?'

'I could absorb that light and blast Dormammu with it.' Warbird replied. 'I'm not sure how long it'll hold him for but it's worth a try.'

'Okay, get to it.' Kid Razor nodded.

Warbird nodded as closed her eyes as she absorbed the mystical light emanating form the room.

The rest of the squad watched as Warbird began to glow with an ethereal light.

Warbird's eyes snapped open as she reached her limit.

'Okay, what do you say we go kick some bad guy ass?' She asked.

'Bet idea I've heard all day.' Sonic Blue replied.

Warbird was the first in as she smashed down the door. The mystical energy that she absorbed seemed to be enhancing her strength even more than it usually was.

'Give it up Dormammu, you're not gonna invade Earth today!'

'Bah! Puny mortals!' The Dread Lord snorted, his evil yellow eyes narrowing in anger. 'You dare disturb the Dread Lord?'

'Yeah, we dare all right.' Kid Razor snarled. 'And we're gonna kick you ass!'

'Many have tried.' Dormammu replied. 'And I have flayed the souls of those that dared.'

Kid Razor held out guitar a sit began to glow with magical energy.

'_GLAM FLASH!'_Kid Razor yelled as his guitar shot out a flash of light, blinding the Dread Lord.

'I don't need my sight to defeat you!' Dormammu bellowed. 'You will all die a slow and painful death!'

'Says you Torchie!' Warbird replied as she let rip with an energy blast form her hands.

Dormammu let out a scream of pain as the energy bolt struck his chest. As well as augmenting her strength, the mystical energy that she absorbed, seemed to grant Warbird's usual energy blasts a magical quality that greatly weakened the Dread Lord.

'That's it everybody!' Warbird bellowed. 'Dormammu's on his knees, let's pile it on!'

The rest of the squad did as they were told as they let rip with their powers. Kid Razor blasted Dormammu with more energy blasts form his guitar as Sonic Blue let rip with sonic blasts form his gauntlets. Dazzler let rip with her light blasts as Ghost Rider let rip with blasts of Hellfire. It didn't take much to defeat the already weakened Dread Lord as he soon collapsed under the strain.

'Let's grab this totem before he gets back up.' Sonic Blue said.

Kid Razor nodded in reply and snatched the mystical totem off its pedestal and led the way back out of the room.

'How long do you think he'll stay down for?' Sonic Blue asked.

'I don't know.' Warbird replied. 'But with a magic user as powerful as Dormammu, it won't be long.'

'We'd better find the other soon then.' Dazzler nodded.

It didn't take them very long to find their teammates as they were presently fighting more demons.

'Amanda, a stepping disc would be good right about now!' Warbird yelled.

'Right on it.' Amanda replied as a white disc appeared before them.

'Everybody jump in!' Warbird commanded. 'We don't know how long Dormammu will be down for!'

The others did as they were told and leapt through the stepping disc to safety.

* * *

**Later-**

The mystical totem had been handed over to Dr Strangeand the team was celebrating their first successful mission. They were sitting around a table in a pub near Braddock Manor holding their drinks in a toast.

Most of them had beers in their hands. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue didn't however as they weren't young enough to drink, even in Britain where the legal age was eighteen. They were holding sodas along with Captain Britain who didn't drink anyway.

'Well here's to a successful first mission.' Captain Britain said. 'May there be many more.'

'The Kid of Rock has had fun with you guys but he can't be a fulltime member, he has a city to take care of.'

'Me to I'm afraid.' Sonic Blue added. 'Cincinnati isn't going to defend itself on its own. But if you need any help, I'll be there.'

'I doth hope that we need your help often.' Amora said, gently stroking Spencer's arm. 'T'wouldst be a pity not to see more of you.'

'Uhh, thanks…' Spencer replied, shifting nervously in his seat.

'But before you depart, I wouldst like to give you a farewell gift.' Amora said as she lean tin close and gave Spencer a short but passionate kiss. 'Farewell Spencer Allen Burton, may we meet again soon.'

Spencer was lost for words as his cheeks flushed a bright pink. Man, that was one Hell of a kiss…

The others just laughed out loud at the sight and chanted at Spencer.

'Spencer and Amora up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Return of Longshot**

_Excalibur's next mission is a personal one for Dazzler as she finally finds out the whereabouts of her former lover, Longshot. But what if he isn't the only on that is alive? What if Mojo is alive too? Tune in nest time to find out in… _The Uncanny Excalibur!


	5. The Return of Longshot: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 5: The Return of Longshot- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to L1701E._

* * *

**Quote of the day-** _'No beer and no TV make Homer something, something...' _**Homer Simpsons (The Simpsons)**

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Aaron- **_I'll see what I can do about Spence and Amora. You can bet that Razor will crack more jokes about that, being Kid Razor and all. Heh._

**Unknown Legacy- **_I'd like to pair up Amora and Spence too, we'll just have to wait and see what L1701E says about it, seeing that he owns Sonic Blue and all._

**Needles- **_Sorry, Dazzler lost her child back on Mojoworld._

* * *

**Braddock Manor, London-**

It was early in the afternoon in Braddock Manor and several members of Excalibur were having some afternoon tea. Being such a caring hostess, Meggan wanted to give her non-British teammates a taste of stereotypical British life. Complete with scones.

'Mmm-mm, these scones are wonderful, Meggan.' Alison Blaire, aka Dazzler, said as she wiped some raspberry jam form her lip. 'Did you cook these yourself?'

'Yup.' Meggan nodded, stirring some milk into her tea. 'Brian bought me Delia Smith's new cookery book so I thought I'd give it a whirl.'

'I'd say it was a perfect success.' Spencer Allen Burton, aka Sonic Blue, replied. 'These scones are the best I've ever tasted.'

'The Kid of Rock has to agree with Spencer.' Kid Razor added. 'These are damn fine scones.'

'And to think everybody used to hate my cooking.' Meggan chuckled. 'That sure showed them. Heh.'

'Hast thou ever thought of selling these scones, Meggan?' Amora asked. 'Thou couldst make quite a tidy profit.'

'But then again, there's the stress of keeping up with the demand for my excellent cooking.' Meggan replied. 'Not that I want to sound conceited or anything.'

'It's a pity Brian isn't here to try them.' Carol Danvers, aka Warbird, added. 'But I bet he can sample your scones any time he wants.'

'I think I know where you're going.' Meggan replied. 'But in Britain, if we want to make a crude comment about having afternoon tea, it's usually tea and crumpet. Brian likes crumpet.'

The rest of the team just stared blankly at the blonde metamorph.

'Perhaps British humour is far too sophisticated for you Yanks.' Meggan sighed.

'Oh yes, with the dead parrot and the tally-ho pip-pip, wot?' Kid Razor teased in a bad British accent.

'Not all British humour is about dead parrots and the Spanish Inquisition **(1)** y'know.' Meggan replied. 'It's about people sticking pencils up their nose and going _wibble._ **(2) **It's about Cockneys falling through bars. **(3)** It's about very tall men doing Hitler impressions. **(4)** It's about…'

'Okay, okay. The Kid of Rock gets your point.' Kid Razor sighed. 'Sheesh, can't blame a guy for making fun.'

'Why isn't Brian here trying all this succulent grub?' Carol asked. 'He doesn't know what he's missing.'

'He's out with Betsy Junior.' Meggan replied. 'Y'know, doing the father-daughter bonding thing, buying her many pretty things.'

'Thou must be pleased that Brian is such an attentive father.' Amora said. 'Thou art lucky to have such a husband.'

'Yeah, he does make me feel special.' Meggan sighed happily. 'Plus, he's a demon in the sack. Yum.'

'Oh God. Too much information.' Spencer groaned.

'Don't tell me that thou art scared to talk of intercourse, Spencer.' Amora said, sidling up to the Cincinnati speedster. 'Tis but a perfectly normal living function.'

'But I thought conversation over tea and scones was supposed to be civilised.' Spencer replied. 'Not talking about sex a-and crumpet, whatever that means.'

'It means sex, Spence.' Meggan replied. 'It's an old British innuendo. Tea and crumpet means sex. Tiffin's the same. _I'm off for tiffin_ means that you're off for a spot of se…'

'Okay. I get the idea!' Spencer groaned into his hands. 'Enough with brutalising the newbie, okay?'

'And the Kid of Rock thought that the Brits were a bunch of repressed freaks.' Kid Razor snickered.

'You would've been right back in Victorian times.' Meggan replied. 'But not nowadays. Thank God.'

'Geez Meggan, what are you?' Dazzler chuckled. 'A walking history book?'

'I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel.' Meggan replied. 'Heck, I watch a lot of TV period.'

'Talking about TV, Raw's on.' Kid Razor said. 'Anybody wanna watch?'

'Oh yeah.' Meggan replied. Plopping herself down beside the TV. 'Chris Jericho is _sooo_ hot.'

'No way, babe.' Kid Razor replied. 'The Heartbreak Kid is the way to go. Shawn Michaels kicks so many flavours of ass! Besides, he practically invented the ladder match.'

'I have to give him that.' Meggan shrugged as she switched on the TV. Unfortunately, the TV set started to fizzle, the picture full of static.

'Okay, the telly's never done that before.' Meggan said, scratching her head in thought.

'I don't suppose you bought _The Ring_ by mistake, did you?' Spencer asked.

'No, there's definitely something wrong with the picture.' Meggan replied as she began to fiddle around the back of the set. 'I wish Brian was here, he's so much better at this technical stuff than what I am.'

'How about I help?' Spencer asked. 'I'm pretty much a whiz at this kind of thing.'

Meggan nodded in reply and stepped out of the way so Spencer could do his thing.

'Well I have no idea what's wrong with it.' Spencer said as he popped his head up from behind the set. 'Perhaps the poor thing's gave up the ghost and died.'

'What?' Meggan asked, horrified at the thought. 'Not old Ellie, she'd never do such a thing. Brian and I have been so kind to her. We've had her as long as I can remember.'

'Wait a minute.' Dazzler said. 'You named your TV set?'

'Certainly did.' Meggan replied. 'We even named the computer. We call her Rebecca.'

'Oh you wacky Brits.' Kid Razor snorted.

Spencer just shook his head and moved around to the front of the set.

'Hunh, is it me or is a face starting to form?'

Amora squinted and knelt down beside Spencer.

'There is definitely a face forming.' She said. 'Perhaps the set hast fixed itself.'

'I don't think it's fixed.' Dazzler replied, her voice filled with fear. 'We are in deep trouble.'

No sooner had Dazzler said that then the team disappeared in a flash of light.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

The team materialized in a huge white room.

'Okay, I am officially freaked out.' Spencer said. 'And why am I in my Sonic Blue armour? I was wearing my civvies.'

The rest of the team looked down at themselves and saw that they too were wearing their 'work clothes.'

'This doth auger ill…' Amora said. 'What kind of creature couldst have the power to kidnap all of us?'

'I say we just wait and see.' Warbird said. 'What's the worst thing that can happen?'

Razor looked to the side and noticed a rather nervous Dazzler.

'You okay, Ali?' Razor asked. 'Don't tell the Kid of Rock you gotta hurl.'

'I-it's not that, Razor.' Dazzler replied. 'It's just that I thought that I escaped from this place forever.'

'What place do you mean?' Meggan asked.

'Mojoworld.' Dazzler replied.

'Well I'm glad you could remember, Sweet-Cheeks.' A voice said. 'After all, who could forget all the crap you put me through? Even if it was good for ratings.'

A video monitor appeared out of the wall, completely filled by a hideous face, with skin the colour of pus and an inane grin on its face. It was Mojo, psychotic other-dimensional television magnate.

'Mojo.' Dazzler snarled at the sound of the voice. 'This is between me and you, let the others go.'

'And why would I want to do that?' Mojo asked. 'You guys are sure-fired ratings _gold!_'

'Thou hast made a grievous mistake by imprisoning the Enchantress.' Amora snarled. 'I will flay thy skin from thy bones!'

'Ooh, such spunk!' Mojo chuckled, clapping his hands together. 'That's why I'm going to put you right onto tonight's card in a bra-and-panties match!'

'You dare…?' Amora hissed.

But the Enchantress' words were cut off, as she was teleported away.

'What have you done to her?' Spencer snarled. 'If you've hurt one hair on her…'

'Ooh, the kid's gotta crush.' Mojo chuckled. 'Perhaps you'd like to have a place on tonight's card too. Hmm, how about a tag-team ladder match? But then you'd need a tag-partner… How about you kid, you wanna be famous?'

'The Kid of Rock is already famous, Tubby.' Razor replied. 'The Kid of Rock doesn't need to prove it in a match.'

'Well tough cheese, chum.' Mojo said. 'You're in the match no matter what.'

And with that, Spencer and Kid Razor were teleported away.

'And Dazzler, m'dear, I have a very special match for you…' Mojo said, smiling evilly.

Warbird and Meggan watched in horror, as Dazzler was teleported away, just like the others.

Then Mojo turned to them.

'Now you delectable little pair, you can just watch the matches on this spiffy little monitor. Enjoy!'

And with that, Mojo's image disappeared to reveal a wrestling ring with a bemused Enchantress standing in the middle.

* * *

**The wrestling ring-**

Amora looked about her surroundings. She appeared to be in a wrestling ring in some huge stadium with hoards of alien life forms staring down at her. Her first impulse was to torch the whole lot of them but she bit it down, there was no need to risk her teammates' safety with a foolish move like that.

Amora turned to the front of the stage when loud rock music began to blare.

'Coming down the aisle, two-time women's champion, Hepzibah of the Starjammers!' The announcer blared.

Amora watched as the white-furred feline alien strolled down the aisle to a thunder of applause. There was no doubt who the crowd's favourite was.

Then the referee stepped into the ring to begin the proceedings.

'This is a non-title bra-and-panties match. The first to strip their opponents to their underwear wins. The audience loves flashy powers so use whatever you've got.'

The referee then signalled for the bell and the match began.

Amora was never one to step down form a fight so she leapt right in. It would have been best for her to hold back. She had considerable power and at full force she could easily kill her opponent. She was on the side of good now and only killed a last resort.

Amora went to grab Hepzibah by the collar but the feline alien easily dodged and scratched the blonde Asgardian on the arm, drawing blood.

Amora hissed in pain and bit down her urge to kill the alien for such a transgression.

Amora dodged out of the way just as Hepzibah leapt at her with a feral yell and grabbed the feline alien by the front of her costume, throwing her to the floor.

Hepzibah tried to struggle but with her Asgardian strength, Amora was too powerful as she squeezed the feline alien's throat with her boot.

Amora hissed in pain as Hepzibah lashed out, gauging deep scratched down Amora's leg.

Amora removed her foot form Hepzibah's throat and picked her up by the throat.

'I am trying desperately not to kill you.' Amora snarled. 'But thou art beginning to try my patience.'

Hepzibah let out a yell as Amora threw her out of the ring, landing on to the mats beyond.

The audience cheered at the sight.

Amora climbed up to the turnbuckle and waited for Hepzibah to get up. Once the feline alien had, Amora jumped form the ring, dealing her opponent a meaty dropkick to the face.

The crowd cheered again.

Amora couldn't help herself but smile; she was really getting into this.

Amora waited for Hepzibah to stumble to her feet before grabbing the front of her uniform, tearing her shirt off straight away.

The crowd hooted and hollered at the sight of the feline mutant's skimpy black bra.

Amora held up her hand and played the crown for a bit until Hepzibah recovered.

Unfortunately for Amora, Hepzibah recovered a little too quickly and smacked her head against the turnbuckle.

The crowd _oohed _at that.

Hepzibah rolled the stunned Amora into the ring and began to wrestle her top off of her.

The crowd whooped in glee as Hepzibah removed Amora's top, revealing a green bra underneath.

Amora let out a growl at the impudence and kicked Hepzibah form on top of her. She then leapt onto the feline alien and began to throttle her.

Hepzibah tried to struggle free but Amora's grip was too tight. So she resorted to desperate measures and grabbed Amora by the hair. Bad idea.

Amora let out a scream of rage and flung Hepzibah across the ring. Good guy or not, nobody touched the hair!

Hepzibah's eyes widened in fear as she saw the extremely pissed Enchantress advance on her with fire in her eyes.

Amora grabbed Hepzibah in a bearhug and began to squeeze the life from her. Hepzibah wheezed in pain as she felt herself grow weaker.

Just a sit seemed everything was about to end; Amora dropped Hepzibah and stepped away.

The crowd showed their displeasure at that as they booed furiously.

Hepzibah slowly got up and watched as Amora put her hands down. It seemed like she was surrendering.

The boos from the crowd came louder. They were expecting a fight, not one of the combatants chickening out.

Hepzibah leapt at Amora, preparing to finish the match but much to her surprise, Amora slugged her on the chin, knocking her to the ground.

The crowd cheered furiously. Amora was just acting that way to trick her opponent closer.

Amora reached down and clasped the edge of the bottom half of Hepzibah's costume and deftly removed it, revealing the panties underneath.

The crowd bellowed in glee as Amora swung them around her head in triumph.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Unaware of the match going on, Dazzler found herself in a dark, dungeon type of room. It was obvious that Mojo didn't want her stay here to be a special one.

Dazzler used her powers to conjure up a ball of light so she could see her way around. She gasped in shock as she saw a familiar figure shackled to the wall.

'Oh God, Longshot! I thought you were dead!'

'A-Ali…?' Longshot asked weakly, struggling to hold his head up. 'Is that really you? Am I seeing things?'

'No, it's really me.' Dazzler said as she planted a big kiss on her estranged husband's lips. 'Oh God, I thought I'd lost you…'

'I may not be around for very much longer.' Longshot replied weakly. 'Mojo's going to do away with me in one last pay-per-view event.'

'Then we have to get you out of her.' Dazzler said. 'Nobody's going to kill the guy that I love. I've got friends here. Just as long as I can get to them, we'll be able to get you free.'

'Always thinking of a plan, huh?' Longshot chuckled weakly.

'I'm not just a pretty face, babe.' Dazzler grinned.

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Return of Longshot- Part 2**

_While Dazzler and Longshot prepare a plan of escape, Kid Razor and Sonic Blue have their tag team ladder match against… Paibok the Power Skrull and Kl'rt the Super-Skrull. It's gonna be a Slobber-Knocker people so don't you dare miss out._

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_All good Monty Python fans should be able to suss this one out._

**(2)- **_As seen in the _'Blackadder Goes Forth' _episode:_ 'Goodbyeee…'

**(3)- **_As seen in the _'Only Fools and Horses'_ episode: _'Yuppie Love.'

**(4)- **_As seen in the _'Fawlty Towers'_ episode: _'The Germans.'


	6. The Return of Longshot: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 6: The Return of Longshot- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Sonic Blue and Kid Razor belong to L1701E._

**

* * *

Quote of the day-** _'I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me! I am so great!'- _**Bart Simpson (The Simpsons)**

* * *

**Mojo World-**

Meggan and Warbird were sitting in their cell. The match between Amora and Hepzibah had just finished and the pair was awaiting the return of their teammate.

There was a flash of light as Amora appeared in the room.

'Way to go, Amora!' Meggan grinned as she patted the Enchantress on the back. 'You kicked ass!'

Amora just shrugged modestly.

'Meh, twas nothing.' The immortal replied. 'I didst have an unusual amount of fun. Twas much for enjoyable then seducing Thor.'

'What happened with you two, any way?' Warbird asked. 'I thought you only had eyes for Thor. Now you're hitting on Sonic Blue. Is there something not quite right in the bedroom department?'

'My relationship with Thor twas enjoyable while it lasted but I didst decide that brawn alone is not enough, I need somebody with a keen mind, just like Sonic Blue.'

'You do realize he's a minor, right?' Meggan asked. 'He's still in school.'

'I wilt soon think of a way to deal with that problem.' Amora replied. 'I am the Enchantress after all, nothing is impossible for me.'

'Hey guys…' Warbird said as she spied action on a screen nearby. 'It looks like it's Kid Razor and Sonic Blue's turn.'

'Great!' Meggan grinned, clapping her hands excitedly. 'I _love_ ladder matches!'

The three women turned to watch their teammates' ladder match. Hopefully their match would go as well as Amora's did…

* * *

**Longshot's cell-**

Dazzler had released Longshot from his shackles on the wall and was sitting on the floor with his head resting on her lap.

'As much fun as snuggling with you is, don't you think we had better escape?' Longshot asked. 'The guards will be here any minute.'

'I'll blow their faces off as soon as they step in the door.' Dazzler replied as her hand glowed with her mutant power.

'Umm Ali, I want to escape as much as the next guy but are you sure that killing is really the way?' Longshot asked.

'Well, you killed Mojo that time.' Dazzler replied. 'Those guards deserve every photon they get.'

'But they're just mindless drones, Ali.' Longshot said. 'They've been bred to be guards. They know nothing else.'

'Okay, I'll go easy on them.' Dazzler sighed. 'You know, you can really cramp a girl's style.'

* * *

**The wrestling ring-**

The tag team ladder match between Kid Razor, Sonic Blue and a pair of mystery opponents was in full swing.

The Ohio Connection's opponents turned out to be Kl'rt and Paibok, also know as the Super-Skrull and the Power Skrull respectively. Both of them were long-time foes of the Fantastic Four. Kl'rt had the exact same powers as the Fantastic Four along with the usual Skrull powers of shape-changing and hypnosis. Paibok also had the ability to hypnotise and change shape as well as the ability to generate cold and ice and bioelectric blasts.

Kid Razor fended off the two Skrull warriors with his Power of Rock blasts form his guitar as Sonic Blue took his position atop the ladder in the middle of the ring.

Instead of making a grab for the case of cash however, he dived off the ladder, not unlike the infamous Jimmy 'Superfly' Snucka cage dive many years ago.

The audience _ooh_ed as Sonic Blue landed on the stunned Paibok. Meanwhile, Razor smashed the Skrull upside the head with his enchanted guitar, a move Razor called the Van Halen Hammer.

Kl'rt saw this as his opening and let rip with a fire blast just like the Human Torch. Kid Razor was ready for this however, as he protected his friend and teammate with a force field.

'Bah! Cowards!' Kl'rt yelled as he battered on the force field with his Thing-like fists. 'Come out and fight me!'

'Your wish is my command, ugly!' Kid Razor replied as he let rip with a Power of Rock-enhanced Sweet Chin Music, just like his wrestling hero, Shawn Michaels.

Kl'rt grunted in pain as the colossal kick sent him tumbling out of the ring.

'Great! We're home free!' Sonic Blue cheered. 'Now we just need to climb up the ladder and nab the cash.'

'Not just yet.' Kid Razor told his friend, trademark smirk on his face. 'The Kid of Rock has one more trick up his sleeve.

Sonic Blue held Paibok back with a sonic blast from his gauntlets while Razor set the ladder in one corner of the ring and began to climb. Once the Kid of Rock was positioned correctly, his back facing the stunned Super-Skrull, he vaulted off the back of it in a Shooting Star Press.

The audience cheered at the successful use of a high-risk move like that.

'Razor, heads up!' Sonic Blue yelled as he tossed Razor a steel chair.

Razor grinned evilly as he cottoned on to what Sonic Blue was on about. He climbed back in to the ring and positioned himself, with the chair in his hands in a pose identical to Sonic Blue's.

A drowsy Paibok got to his feet and rubbed his head.

'_Conchairto!' _The Ohio Connection yelled as they slammed Paibok upside the head with their chairs in a move echoing the former duo known as Edge and Christian.

The audience whooped it up some more and began to chant.

'We want tables! We want tables!'

'How about we give the people what they want?' Razor asked.

'Way ahead of you, buddy.' Sonic Blue replied as he nabbed some tables and set them up in the middle of the ring. Kid Razor then held the unconscious Paibok by the legs over the tables while Sonic Blue bounced back off the ropes and tackled the Skrull out of his friend's arms, smashing him through the table.

'_3-D!' _The audience yelled at the sight of the Dudley Boyz' patented mood.

'I will crush you!' Kl'rt snarled.

'Looks like tall, green and ugly Hulk-wannabe over there wants a taste of Mr Socko.' Razor muttered as he removed his boot and placed his sock on his hand.

Sonic Blue just stood back and watched as Razor latched on to the Skrull's mouth with the sock and wrestled him to the ground.

While Razor was forcing the Skrull to tap out, Sonic Blue grabbed the ladder and set it up in the middle of the ring before climbing it and making a grab for the case of case.

The audience cheered in excitement as Sonic Blue tore the case from its mooring and fell back down to the ring.

Kid Razor pulled his friend up and held his hand in triumph.

'_Booyah!_ The Ohio Connection rules! In your face you giant boogers!'

'Razor, don't taunt the Skrulls.' Sonic Blue hissed. 'They may be losers but there's no need to make fun. It's unsporting.'

'The Kid of Rock will taunt whoever he damn likes.'

'Whatever.' Sonic Blue shrugged.

* * *

**Meggan and Warbird's cell-**

Meggan and Warbird were leaping around in celebration at the sight of their teammates' victory. Amora just smiled happily at her beloved Sonic Blue's victorious efforts.

'Well done, my beloved.' The Asgardian enchantress said to herself. 'Thou hast exceptional battle skills as well as thine awesome intelligence.'

The victorious Ohio Connection appeared in a flash of light and Amora instantly latched on to Sonic Blue.

'Welcome back, O victorious and handsome Spencer!' Amora cooed as she removed his visor and smothered him with kisses. 'Thou wert wonderful!'

'Uhh, thanks…?' Spencer replied, trying desperately to hide his blush.

'Do you two lovebirds want the Kid of Rock to leave you alone for a bit?' Kid Razor snickered. Sonic Blue just glared back at him.

'I don't think we've got much time for smoochies.' Meggan replied. 'I can sense somebody approaching.'

As if in reply, the door to the cell was blown off its hinges by a photon burst courtesy of Dazzler.

'Come with me if you want to live.' The mutant disco diva quipped.

'Don't need to tell me twice.' Meggan replied as she hopped out the door. 'Just how are we going to get our of here anyway?'

'That ist where I come in.' Amora replied. 'It wouldst not be difficult for me to teleport us home.'

'Less gossip, more teleporting.' Kid Razor replied.

And with that, the heroes were teleported away.

Back in his control room, Mojo howled in rage at the loss of his greatest ratings winners since the X-Babies.

'How _dare_ those ungrateful wretches teleport away like that!' Mojo bellowed. 'I should tear them limb from limb! Rip out their ribcages and wear them as hats! Use their lungs as bag-pipes!'

Mojo blinked a few times as he got an idea.

'I know, I'll kidnap some _real _wrestlers. _Domo!_ Bring me Shawn Michaels!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Madness of Captain Britain**

_The Uncanny Avengers guest stars as one of their own goes on a rampage. Will the combined might of the two teams be able to defeat somebody that can wield the magical energy of Britain itself? In a word… yes._


	7. The Madness of Captain Britain

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 7: The Madness of Captain Britain**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Kid Razor and Sonic Blue belong to L1701E. I own Lady Helen Joanne Thomas._

* * *

**Shout Outs-**

**Needles- **_I'm a big Simpsons fan too. Mmm, Simpsons… Luke Cage is alive and well in the URM-Verse. He helped Daredevil out against the Fearsome Five in DD's own URM-Verse fic._

**Proponent of EVO- **_Amora is pretty scary, isn't she? Well, in a scary-sexy-immortal kind of way._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'I have reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.'-_ **John Pertwee as the Third Doctor (Doctor Who)**

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, Manhattan-**

It was a quiet evening in the home of the World's Mightiest Heroes as most of said heroes were asleep in bed. One Avenger wasn't sleeping so peacefully however, Kelsey Leigh, aka the British Avenger Captain Britain was tossing and turning in her bed. She kept on hearing an eerie vice in her dreams.

'Join us…' The eerie voices demanded. 'Join us…'

'No…' Kelsey mumbled into her pillow. 'No. Leave me alone… Please, leave me be…'

'You're going to join us and there's nothing you can do about it.' The eerie voices replied. 'You're going to wreak your revenge upon Brian Braddock and anybody that stands in your way, Kelsey. Do it. Do it now…'

Kelsey suddenly sat upright in her bed.

'Kill Braddock…' She said in a monotone voice. 'I obey…'

Kelsey slowly got up out of bed and headed for her closet where her Captain Britain gear was kept.

'I will kill Brian Braddock…' Kelsey said once more. 'Wreak my revenge. Yes…'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Not too far away from Avengers Mansion, a raven-haired figure turned from a magical scrying pool where Kelsey Leigh was preparing for her task. This raven-haired figure was Morgan Le Fey, newly minted Black Queen of the Hellfire Club.

'Still screwing around with the Avengers, eh Morgan?' The grey-furred alternate version of the X-Men's Beast and Morgan's Black King chuckled as he looked over her shoulder. 'I have to commend you on your tenacity.'

'An immortal never forgets a grudge.' Morgan replied, an evil grin appearing on her face. 'And tormenting the Avengers is so much fun.'

'And using Ms Leigh against them is your plan?' Dark Beast asked. 'Killing two birds with one stone as well. Kudos.'

Morgan knew just what her Black King was referring to; it was her scheme to destroy the British Isles that inadvertently brought about Kelsey Leigh becoming the new Captain Britain when she defended Captain America against the Wrecking Crew, unfortunately dying in the process.

'Now to sit back and watch the show.' Morgan smiled, as she got ready to watch the mind-controlled Kelsey do her thing.

'I'll get the popcorn.' Dark Beast replied with an equally evil smile.

'No butter on mine.' Morgan reminded him. 'I'm on a diet.'

* * *

**Back at Avengers Mansion-**

Kelsey strode towards the hangar where the Avengers' Quinjets were kept. That was when Captain America walked around the corner. Kelsey rudely barged past the Star-Spangled Legend, causing Cap to take hold of her arm in concern.

'Something the matter, Kelsey?' Cap asked.

Kelsey spun and glared straight at him.

'Kelsey?' Cap asked. There was an unpleasant gleam in Kelsey's eyes that made a shiver run down his spine.

Kelsey reached for her Staff of Might and blasted Cap through a wall. She then headed on to the Quinjet hangar before the other Avengers could stop her.

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

While it was in the middle of the night in New York, it was early in the afternoon in Braddock Manor, home of Brian, Meggan Braddock and their baby daughter, Betsy Junior.

Several of Brian and Meggan's teammates were shilling in the garden, enjoying the unusual sunny British weather while it lasted. The former X-Woman and disco diva known as Dazzler was having a romantic weekend away with her estranged husband, Longshot. Amora, the Asgardian Enchantress was sunning herself by the pool still trying to seduce the Cincinnati speedster Spencer Allen Burton, Sonic Blue. Spencer's best friend and tag-team partner, Cleveland's very own Kid of Rock and Roll, Kid Razor was also there along with Carol Danvers, the former Avenger Warbird.

'Woulst thou like to anoint my back with suntan lotion, Spencer?' Amora purred to the young speedster. 'It wouldst be most unfortunate if I didst become sunburnt.'

'Can you even get sunburnt?' Carol asked.

'I do not really know.' Amora replied as she tapped her chin in thought. 'But it would be best to make sure.'

'So, you gonna go for it, man?' Kid Razor asked. 'Cop a feel of the hot magic chick?'

'Unlike you, some people have a little discretion.' Spencer said with a roll of his eyes.

'I wouldst not mind.' Amora said as she peered at Spencer. 'Cop as much as thou doth want.'

'Now there's a proposition if the Kid of Rock has ever heard one.' Kid Razor snickered. 'Go for it man, do it. Do it.'

Spencer reluctantly complied as he squeezed some lotion on to his hand and began to rub it on to Amora's shoulders, making the enchantress moan in pleasure.

'Mmm Spencer, thou doth have magic hands…' Amora said, her eyes closed in pleasure. 'Mmm, yes… By Odin's beard, take me now!'

Spencer's eyes snapped wide in shock at the statement and squeezed the lotion bottle that the contents shot up in to the air.

'Hunh. Talk about a single entendre.' Carol snickered. 'Way to go kid, real classy.'

Spencer just blushed bright red as he attempted to clean himself up.

Betsy Junior looked up in the sky and giggled in glee as she saw something flying through the air.

Meggan smiled at her daughter's exuberance and looked at the shape of the incoming Quinjet.

'Are you expecting any friends, Carol?' Meggan asked.

'None that I can think of, Meg.' Carol replied as she squinted up at the Quinjet. 'I've got a date with the Vision on Friday but nothing until then.'

'We'd better get some clothes on and bring out the red carpet then.' Brian said as he headed inside the mansion.

The rest of Excalibur followed suit and began to get ready for their unexpected guest or guests.

On the way up to the bedroom, Meggan noticed her phone ringing.

'Hello, Braddock residence, how may I help you?' Meggan asked warmly.

'Ms Braddock?' A concerned Iron Man asked. 'Thank God you're okay.'

'Mr Stark!' Meggan exclaimed excitedly. 'You could have told us that some Avengers were coming to visit. I didn't even have enough time to put a brew on.'

'Ms Braddock, there isn't much time!' Iron Man replied. 'It's Kelsey. She attacked Cap and we think she's after you and your husband.'

Meggan frowned sceptically.

'Why would Kelsey want to come after us?' She asked. 'We've done nothing wrong to her.'

'Perhaps she believed that you took her life away when you and your husband transformed her in to the new Captain Britain.' Iron Man suggested.

'Oh Bugger…' Meggan gasped as she put her hand to her mouth. 'The poor cow's snapped.'

'I've already sent a team of Avengers over to help you.' Iron Man explained. 'The Scarlet Witch, Black Panther, Wasp and Yellowjacket are on their way… Ms Braddock?'

'I'm sorry, Ms Braddock can't help you right now.' Kelsey replied as she held Meggan by the hair. 'She's too busy dying. Ta-ta…'

'Kelsey. There's no need to do this.' Meggan said. 'We did what was best for you.'

'You stole my life away form me!' Kelsey yelled as she backhanded the metamorph across the face. 'I'll never be able to see my children again!'

'You certainly won't with that attitude.' Brian added. 'Now, release my wife before I have to get serious.'

'It's too late for that, luv.' Meggan replied. 'Kelsey's as nuts as a jar of peanut butter.'

Kelsey grunted in pain as Meggan spun around and grabbed her by the collar, smashing through a nearby window.

'We offer you another chance at life and this is how you repay us?' Meggan asked as she flew in to the air. 'You attack my family and my friends. Why?'

'You ruined my life!' Kelsey snarled. 'I never wanted to be Captain bloody Britain!'

'Would you have preferred to be dead instead?' Meggan asked.

'Death is better than the life I have now.' Kelsey replied as she zapped Meggan with her Staff of Might, knocking them both out of the air.

'Meggan!' Brian yelled.

'Don't worry, I've got her!'

Brian looked up as he saw a twenty foot tall Wasp holding a stunned Meggan in her hand.

'I believe you lost this?' The Wasp asked as she handed Meggan back to her husband. 'Now to see to the crazy British lady…'

'Avengers!' Kelsey snarled. 'I came here to kill the Braddocks but killing you will be a nice bonus.'

'You haven't been the first to try, woman.' Black Panther replied, as he got ready to fight. 'And you will not be the first to fail.'

'Blah-blah-blah.' Kelsey sighed. 'Just hurry up and die already.'

And with that, the battle was joined as the four Avengers joined forces with Excalibur against the maddened Kelsey Leigh.

'I know that you've had a hard life Kelsey, but this isn't the way.' The Scarlet Witch explained as she deflected one of Kelsey's energy blasts with a hex bolt. 'If you wanted help, why didn't you talk?'

'Oh, like you lot would care.' Kelsey snorted angrily. 'You only look after your own.'

'You are one of our own.' Yellowjacket replied as he buzzed around Kelsey, zapping her with his bioelectric stings. 'If you wanted to talk, we would have listened.'

'Talking is for wimps.' Kelsey snorted as she swatted the ting Avengers away. 'Killing you would be more fun.'

'About as fun as kicking your butt?' Kid Razor asked. 'The Kid of Rock was taught never to hit a lady but you sure as Hell ain't a lady!'

'Arrogant fool!' Kelsey hissed as she dodged a Van Halen Hammer from the hero. 'Your death will be especially welcome.'

'Not on my watch!' Sonic Blue replied as he zipped up to Kelsey and tackled her. 'You'll have to go through me first.'

'If you say so.' Kelsey shrugged as she dealt Sonic Blue a nasty knee to the groin.

'Spencer!' Amora yelled. 'If thou hast hurt him…'

'_Boooring…'_ Kelsey taunted. 'Bring it, bitch!'

'Oh, it is brought.' Amora nodded. 'Brought all over thy backside!'

Amora ran to meet a blast from Kelsey's Staff of Might, merely shrugging it off to let rip with a magical fireball of her own.

'You go get her, sweetie.' Sonic Blue cheered.

'Did you just call the Enchantress _sweetie?_' An incredulous Wasp asked.

'Umm, maybe?' An embarrassed Sonic Blue replied.

'Eh. Young people nowadays.' The Wasp shrugged.

Amora was faring pretty well against the insane Kelsey until the Brit caught her unawares with a punch to the chin, knocking her to the ground.

'Thou wilt pay for this effrontery!' Amora snarled. 'Thou wilt pay for it with thy own blo…'

Amora's rant was cut off as a car plummeted from the air, crushing Kelsey beneath it.

'Sorry. I couldn't bare any more of her bitching.' Meggan said as she dusted off her hands. 'Like she isn't the only one that had a creepy life. _Hello_, abandoned by birth parents and raised by gypsies.'

Everybody just looked at the wrecked car with a mix of confusion and shock.

'Meggan, you killed her…' Brian said, barely believing his eyes.

'Nobody gets way with endangering my family.' Meggan replied.

'But you killed her.' Brian reiterated.

'I have a solution to that.' Meggan replied. 'Wanda and Amora can combine their respective powers to turn back time, therefore ensuring that Kelsey doesn't become Captain Britain, replacing her with a worthy candidate.'

'I guess that would work.' The Scarlet Witch said. 'I haven't tried anything like that before.'

'Bending time ist old hat for me.' Amora added. 'Tis easy.'

'Then let's get this show on the road.' Kid Razor replied. 'The Kid of Rock's got a corn dog that he wants another shot at.'

Amora and the Scarlet Witch nodded in reply and went about turning back time to make sure a more stable candidate took Kelsey's place as Captain Britain. That way, Kelsey was given another chance of life that wouldn't have meant losing touch with her children.

* * *

**Avengers Mansion, the next day-**

The Avengers sat to attention, as Captain America got ready to introduce their new team member.

A young woman aged in her late twenties was sat beside Cap. She had mid length fair hair and green eyes. She was wearing a blue uniform with a golden lion on the chest with white boots and gloves. There was also a Union Jack-emblazoned mask laid out on the table.

'Avengers, I'd like you to meet Lady Helen Joanna Thomas. Also known as Captain Britain. She's our newest member. Be gentle.'

Cap then sat down and let Lady Helen introduce herself.

'What can I say about me that you don't know already?' Lady Helen asked. 'I saved Cap's life against the Wrecking Crew, unfortunately dying in the process. The original Captain Britain brought me back to life and I became the new Captain Britain. My turn-ons are Peter Davidson era Doctor Who and foot massages. My turn-offs are Colin Baker era Doctor Who and nasty people.'

'The lady has taste.' Iron Man commented. 'Welcome to the team Helen. Or Lady Helen… What exactly should I call you?'

'Call me anything you want, cutie.' Helene winked. 'Now, where's the fridge? Dying makes me bloody hungry.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: My Immortal**

_Amora makes the ultimate sacrifice to win Sonic Blue's love. She sacrifices her immortality. How will a newly mortal enchantress adjust to her new life? Tune in next time to find out._

_Also, tune in to future chapters of '_Uncanny Avengers' _for the further adventures of Lady Helen Joanna Thomas, the new Captain Britain!_


	8. My Immortal

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 8: My Immortal**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Sonic Blue and Kid Razor belong to L1701E._

* * *

**Amora's chambers, Braddock Manor-**

The former Asgardian villain known as Amora the Enchantress flopped on her bed with a heavy sigh. She had been having the worst week of her life.

'Loki damn my enchanting kiss.' Amora muttered to herself. 'Why did I have to be such an idiot and use it on my beloved Spencer like that? **(1)** I should have known it would have affected him as it has many others.'

Amora thought back to Cincinnati, when Spencer confronted her about the kiss that had caused the young hero to fall in love with her against his wishes. **(2)**

'Add to that the fact that he doth think that I am using him to try and take over Asgard.' Amora continued. 'Why wouldst _I_ want to take over Asgard anyway? It wouldst only lead me into battle with Thor again. And that is something I doth **not** need right now.'

Amora's musings were cut short by a knock on the door.

'Enter.' Amora sighed.

The door to Amora's chambers slowly opened as a blonde, elfin-eared head poked around the side.

'Umm, hey, Amora.' Meggan waved. 'It's time for our weekly movie night. It's Alison's turn to choose tonight. Unfortunately it's _Saturday Night Fever_. D'you wanna come down and join us?'

Amora sat up on the bed to regard the blonde metamorph.

'Thy offer was a kind one but I must turn it down.' Amora sighed. 'I do not feel like socialising right now.'

Meggan slowly closed the door behind her as she walked into the room.

'It's about Spencer, isn't it?' Meggan deduced.

'Aye.' Amora nodded solemnly. 'I hath made a terrible mistake.'

Meggan sat down beside Amora and out a comforting hand on her teammate's shoulder.

'Relationships always have their ups and downs.' Meggan explained. 'Why, my engagement with Brian almost ended up in disaster after he was lost in time but he soon came back. **(3)** I'm sure that you'll work it out with Spencer soon enough.'

'I wish that I didst have your optimism, Meggan.' Amora sighed. 'But I am afraid that nothing will amend this.'

'That's quitter talk.' Meggan said sternly. 'The old Enchantress would _never_ say anything like that. Did she give up whenever Thor turned her down? No. She kept on trying. Okay, most of the time she resorted to dirty tricks, but she got the job done.'

'But Spencer ist nothing like Thor.' Amora sighed heavily. 'He has the mind of a scholar whereas the God of Thunder…'

'Is a little bit dim?' Meggan suggested.

'Aye, that is correct.' Amora nodded. 'My relationship with Thor was not going anywhere. It was getting stagnant. I needed something other than a strong body to sleep with at night. I needed a mind that could match wits with my own. But Spencer feels intimidated due to my past… and not to sound too conceited but… I'm sure that the fact that I art such an attractive woman doth also add to it.'

Meggan tapped her chin in thought.

'I wish I could help you, I really do.' Meggan shook her head. 'If there was only some way you could make yourself human, y'know? Spencer wouldn't feel so intimidated then, would he? But alas, it isn't as if there's a spell for that.'

A small smile appeared on Amora's face as she thought about that.

'Now, if you change your mind, feel free to join us, okay?' Meggan asked as she stood up off the bed. 'I'll keep some popcorn warm for you…'

Amora didn't answer, as she was too deep in thought. Meggan smiled to herself as she carefully closed the door behind her.

'Still got it.' The blonde metamorph smiled to herself.

* * *

**Downstairs-**

Meggan tiptoed down the stairs as not to disturb her teammates getting ready to watch the movie. Brian looked up from his place on a big comfy chair.

'Amora didn't want to join us then?' The former Captain Britain asked.

'She said she had some thinking to do.' Meggan replied as she snuggled next to her husband.

'Poor woman.' Alison Blaire, aka Dazzler, commented. 'It's not like she meant for all this junk to happen to her.'

'It's alright for **you** to say that.' Spencer sniffed. '_You're_ not the one that she forced to fall in love with her.'

'Oh c'mon, Spencer…' Longshot added. 'It was an accident. Why don't you go talk to her? She must _really_ be hurting.'

'Yeah.' Kid Razor piped up with a grin. 'There's nothing better than a bit of Asgardian smoochies to cheer her up.'

Spencer shot his friend a wordless glare as he crossed his arms and turned to the TV screen.

'Y'know, being an Avenger and all…' Carol Danvers: Warbird, added. 'I should distrust the woman but she's proven that we can trust her. She deserves to be forgiven, don't you think?'

'Fine.' Spencer sighed. 'I'll go talk to her.'

'Don't do anything the Kid of Rock wouldn't.' Razor snickered.

Spencer gritted his teeth reluctantly as he headed upstairs to talk to Amora.

'Oh God, what have I let myself in for?'

* * *

**Amora's quarters-**

Amora was sitting cross-legged on her bed surrounded by various magical items: Eye of Lizard, Wing of Bat, the usual.

'Now, I hath gathered all that I doth need.' Amora mumbled to herself. 'Now to see whether this spell doth work.'

Amora carefully mixed the ingredients into the small pot before her. Correctly mixing the spell was tantamount as one small mistake could result in dire consequences that Amora would rather not think about.

Once the ingredients had been mixed, Amora began to chant the spell.

* * *

**Outside-**

Spencer stopped in midstep as he saw mysterious beams of light emanate from the crack under Amora's bedroom door.

'What the heck?' Spencer muttered as he rushed up to the door and struggled to open it.

'Dammit. Locked.' Spencer muttered to himself. 'Amora. Amora! Are you in there? I wanted to talk to you. _Amora!_'

Spencer frowned to himself. He didn't think that Amora was immature enough to give him the silent treatment. After all, she was several centuries old.

'Come on Amora, I want to talk to you. Please open the door.'

The mysterious light slowly ebbed away as Spencer heard footsteps as somebody slowly unlocked the door.

'Amora?' Spencer blinked.

The Amora that greeted the young hero was not the voluptuous Asgardian that he once knew, she was more like the teenaged form that she adopted when she visited Spencer back at his high school in Cincinnati.

'Hello Spencer.' The now teenaged Amora said. 'Can I help you?'

'W-why are you a teenager again?' Spencer asked. 'I-is this some trick to try to get me to love you again?'

'Tis a by-product of my latest spell.' Amora explained. 'I hast given up my enchanted kiss. Now we can know whether your feelings for me art true or not.'

Spencer groaned into his hands.

'Amora… You can't make somebody love you with a spell. You need to work on stuff like this. Permanently changing yourself into a teenager won't make me fall in love with you straight away.'

Amora's face fell at that.

'Do you not think that I am attractive?' She asked.

'Well, you are an attractive woman.' Spencer agreed. 'But… I'm not sure I'm ready for what you're proposing. I'm just a kid. I'm not ready for a the kind of relationship you want from me.'

'Is there another woman?' Amora asked.

Spencer winced inwardly. Amora was well known for her jealousy towards other women that were interested in her men. Sif **(4)** was one such woman that Amora had a problem with.

'W-well… There kind of is…' Spencer admitted. 'There's this girl that I'm interested in at school.'

'Oh, I see.' Amora nodded solemnly. 'A mortal woman.'

'You're not going to go nuts and hunt her down, are you?' Spencer asked.

Amora's gaze fell to the floor.

'No.' She replied simply. 'If thou already hast thy eyes on another woman, I will not upset that.'

'Are you sure you're okay with this?' Spencer asked as he put a gentle hand on Amora's shoulder.

'To tell you the truth…' Amora began. 'It doth feel like my inside have been torn asunder by trolls.'

Spencer mentally kicked himself. He came up to try and fix things with Amora but all he did was break the woman's heart.

Spencer's mind hurried as he tried to think of something to remedy the situation.

'Y'know, we could always be friends.' He offered. 'That's better than nothing, right?'

'I guess.' Amora sighed. 'I wouldst rather have you as a friend than not at all.'

'I've got a crazy idea that may just ease you out of your depression.' Spencer suggested. 'How about we go watch _Saturday Night Fever_? Okay, it's a lame film, but you'll be watching it with your friends. I'm sure that Meggan has some cookie dough ice-cream stashed away somewhere.'

A small smile slowly spread on Amora's face as she considered that.

'And ice-cream is supposed to ease all depression, correct?'

'Not being female, I can't really say.' Spencer shrugged. 'But therein lies the fun.'

'Thank you, Spencer.' Amora said as she took the young heroes hand in hers. 'Being mortal will be an adjustment for me and I am glad that I have you to help me.'

'Does that mean that you'll be enrolling in school?' Spencer asked.

'Aye.' Amora nodded. 'I wish to keep an eye on this woman that dares to steal away my beloved.'

Spencer blinked at that. He wasn't sure whether she was kidding or not.

'That was a joke, Spencer.' Amora told him.

'Oh right.' Spencer blinked. 'I knew that. Ah-heh-heh.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: My First Team-Up**

_The Masters of Evil hit down and Excalibur must team up with Avengers International to bring the villains down. Unfortunately, several Masters aren't who they seem. Which ones? You will have to tune in next time to see…_

* * *

**Notes-**

**(1)- **_Amora kissed Spencer in Chapter 6, after he and Razor defeated the Super-Skrull and Power Skull in Mojoworld._

**(2)- **_Spencer confronted Amora in '_The Uncanny Kid Razor._'_

**(3)- **_Brian Braddock was lost in time between #67 and #75 of Excalibur._

**(4)- **_Sif was a lady-friend of Thor's that Amora had a long-standing rivalry with._


	9. Reloaded

**Uncanny Excalibur: Reloaded**

**Chapter 9: Reloaded**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's Notes- **_Yeah, I know. It's been a long time since I updated this. I don't really know what made me want to update , but I thought that I may as well give it another go. I have decided to restart this from the beginning, new characters, and what have you. Hopefully this will be more popular than the previous version… _

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

It was early morning in the home of Brian and Meggan Braddock. It had been several months since Excalibur had disbanded. The decision had been a joint one. There had been talk of the group disbanding since they had returned from their adventure on Mojoworld. **(1) **

Dazzler and Longshot had disappeared somewhere to get reacquainted with each other more or less right away. Even though Amora the Enchantress and the Cincinnati native known as Sonic Blue had sorted everything out with each other, there was still a little tension between the pair. Amora had overstepped the mark when she had used her enchanted kiss to beguile the young hero, whether it was unintentional or not. Sonic Blue had returned to his home city, while Amora had stayed in London and had opened her own little magic shop. Kid Razor meanwhile, had his hands full with his own business in Cleveland. Warbird had gone back to new York to rejoin the Avengers. Molten Man had gone back to running OsCorp with his half-sister, Liz. It had been a busy few months for Liz, especially now that her father-in-law Norman had been killed. **(2) **Ghost Rider had just up and disappeared. So all in all, every member of Excalibur was a busy little superhero bunny. Whether it was protecting their own city, or parenting a precocious little child, it was quite obvious that they were all too busy to be part of a team.

Meggan sighed heavily as she put the television magazine back in the magazine rack. There wasn't anything decent on the telly, so she couldn't kick back and watch her favourite shows. Not until Eastenders started at half-past seven.

Baby Betsy, now well-past her first birthday, was upstairs having her morning nap. Meggan didn't want to disturb her daughter, so playing with her was out of the question.

Brian was busy in the garage tinkering with his car. Meggan knew that her husband loved his motor vehicles and wouldn't be back for some time. So snuggling in front of the fire was out of the question as well.

Meggan looked over to her pet black-and-white cat, Jess. **(3) **He was stretched out in front of a roaring fire after having his breakfast: tuna chunks and a big bowl of milk. Jess wouldn't want to play for a while either.

Meggan then looked over to the fish tank sitting on the bookcase. Hermione and Ron weren't much fun anyway. Just swimming around in circles and swimming in their own pooh.

Meggan then snapped her fingers as she got an idea. She could go see Amora over in London! She and Amora had remained in contact ever since Excalibur had disbanded several months ago. Meggan had even helped the former Asgardian out when she needed assistance running her magic shop. The place smelt a little weird, but Meggan enjoyed it anyway. A little extra cash around the house was never a bad thing.

Meggan stood up and grabbed her coat. She would write a note, telling Brian where she was, then grab Betsy's bag of baby stuff and phone for a taxi. Meggan had a cunning plan **(4) **and had to tell somebody about it…

* * *

**Amora's Enchanted Goods, later-**

The bell on door of the quant little magic shop in one of the ethnic districts of London tinkled as Meggan walked in. The blonde metamorph looked around at the various magical items around her. Newts' eyes. Bats' spleens. Dragon teeth. There was quite a collection. Nothing that could be used for the dark arts, however. Amora kept away from that stuff ever since she had become mortal again. **(5)**

Meggan nodded politely at a young Goth girl and headed straight to the counter.

'Hello, stranger…' Meggan smiled as she saw Amora bagging up a customer's order.

'Oh, greetings, Meggan.' Amora smiled back. 'And hello to you as well, little one…' Amora added as she bent down to have a look at Baby Betsy.

The elfin-eared toddler cooed happily at the familiar face.

'Up! Up!' Betsy demanded, waving her pudgy little arms at Amora.

'I think Auntie Amora's a little too busy to hold, you, luv.' Meggan reminded her daughter. 'She has a shop to run.'

'I do not mind holding Betsy for a moment.' Amora commented. 'I was about to close for lunch, anyway.'

'Wanna burger!' Betsy demanded.

'What do we say first?' Meggan asked.

'_Pweeeeease?_' Betsy asked, flashing her mother and her friend a big smile.

'McDonald's it is, then.' Meggan nodded, 'I could murder a chicken salad.'

'I am in the mood for a McChicken Supreme.' Amora tapped her chin in thought. 'Perhaps with a strawberry milkshake to wash it down and a Cream Egg McFlurry **(6)** to finish.'

'Mmm, a woman after my own heart.' Meggan grinned.

**McDonald's-**

Meggan, Amora and Baby Betsy were sitting in the nearest McDonald's restaurant eating their respective lunches. Meggan had her low-fat chicken Cesar salad with diet Coca-Cola, Amora had her McChicken supreme with strawberry milkshake, and Betsy had a kid's meal. The free toy (a little plastic Captain America) was already chewed beyond recognition.

'Betsy, take that out of your mouth…' Meggan scolded her daughter. 'Or you'll choke.'

Betsy threw the chewed-up Cap on the floor and stuck a French fry up her nose.

'Betsy, don't be silly…' Meggan frowned. 'Or Auntie Amora will turn you into a frog.'

Betsy quickly did as she was told and quickly put the French fry in her mouth.

'Bogeys!' The little blonde girl announced, throwing up her arms in celebration.

'Perhaps I shouldn't have let her have that Ribena on the way here…' Meggan sighed.

Amora just chuckled at the sight.

'Now I know why I never chose to have children.' The blonde former immortal laughed. 'Anyway, you mentioned some kind of proposition earlier. May I ask what it is?'

Meggan just smiled and leant closer to her friend.

'I'm gonna restart Excalibur!' Meggan whispered conspiratorially.

'Okay…' Amora nodded. 'I am sure that Sonic Blue would not rejoin if I am still here. There is still a lot of tension between us.'

'I thought you worked everything out.' Meggan remembered.

'Perhaps we did not work it out well enough.' Amora sniffed. 'Perhaps we should give Kid Razor a call. He may be able to recommend possible new members.'

'I'm gonna give Ali a bell once her latest tour finishes. So she and Longshot may be possibilities.' Meggan explained. 'But first, I'm gonna check up on a few friends…'

'And those friends would be…?' Amora tried to get Meggan to explain further.

'Are you familiar with a gentleman named Forge?' Meggan asked.

'I have heard of him.' Amora nodded. 'A Native American mutant with the ability to build any kind of machine. He also has limited magic skills. But he chooses not to use them most of the time.'

'Well, Forge is one the top of my list.' Meggan explained. 'Then I'm going to give Jamie Madrox a bell and see what he's up to.'

'Jamie Madrox, Jamie Madrox…' Amora tapped her chin in thought. 'The mutant known as Multiple Man. Has the ability to create clones of himself by utilizing kinetic energy.'

'Well done.' Meggan congratulated her. 'Well, I heard that his detective agency has closed down due to lack of business and I thought I'd ask him to come join.'

'And what of his friends, Guido Carosella and the young woman known only as Sarah?' Amora asked.

'Strong Guy and Marrow are more than welcome to join.' Meggan answered. 'I was kind of hoping that they would, actually.'

'That is a short list.' Amora commented. 'Are there any more prospective teammates you have not yet told me?'

'I'm in half a mind to invite Mary Walker and St John Allerdyce to join us.' Meggan commented. 'They also have a detective agency of their own. But I hear business is bad for them too.'

'Typhoid Mary and Pyro?' Amora blinked in disbelief. 'But they are convicted felons!'

'Need I remind you of some of the activities that you got up to, dear Amora?' Meggan countered. 'All those times you attempted to beguile Thor into loving you.'

'Now that is just unfair…' Amora sulked. 'I have proven myself many times over…'

'And so have Mary and John.' Meggan continued. 'They used to be part of my step-brother Wade's detective agency.'

'But Deadpool is not yet married to Elizabeth Braddock.' Amora remembered.

'We just call him my brother-in-law to make it easier.' Meggan shrugged.

'But Typhoid Mary and Pyro…' Amora reiterated. 'It s a recipe for disaster'

'Hmm, I guess that you're right…' Meggan nodded thoughtfully. 'Perhaps I had better hide all the flammables before I invite them over for tea and crumpets…'

**TBC…**

**Next: A Recruitin' We Shall Go…**

_Meggan and Amora try to recruit Forge, Madrox, Strong Guy and Marrow, Typhoid Mary and Pyro into Excalibur. Will they accept? Meh. Most probably…_

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Mojo kidnapped Excalibur in Chapter 5._

**(2)- **_The Scourge of the underworld killed Norman Osborn in '_Uncanny Spider-Man'

**(3)- **_British readers will get the significance of Jess. A black-and-white cat called Jess. Huh, huh? Get it?_

**(4)- **_Gratuitous Blackadder reference. yay!_

**(5)- **_Amora forsook her immortality in Chapter 8._

**(6)-** _Cream Egg__McFlurry's are heaven! Little bits of Cream Egg mixed with ice-cream. Mmm-mmmm. Nummy!_


	10. A Recruitin' We Shall Go

**Uncanny Excalibur: Reloaded**

**Chapter 10: A Recruitin' We Shall Go…**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**The offices of X-Factor Detective Agency: Mutant Town-**

It had been a slow day for the X-Factor Detective Agency. Heck, it had been a slow week. Business had dried up considerably, and Jamie Madrox was in half a mind to pack it all in and get a real job. Perhaps the X-Men had a spare room…

Jamie was snapped out of his daydreaming as Guido Carosella, aka the super-strong mutant Strong Guy, let out another snort. Guido had fallen asleep at his desk and was almost shaking the whole building to pieces with his snoring.

Jamie grabbed a book from his table and pitched it at his friend, hitting him on the back of the head.

Guido jumped up in his seat with a snort.

'Smell my cheese!'Guido yelped.

'Smell your cheese. _Riiiiight…_' The former Morlock known only as Sarah cocked an eyebrow. 'You watch too much TV, Tubby.'

'And you don't watch enough, Hack-N-Slash.' Guido retorted.

'Guys, let's not argue…' Jamie sighed. 'Save it for some bad guys.'

'_What _bad guys?' Sarah asked with an exasperated sigh as she indicated the lack of action around them. 'There's nothing to do around here. Let's go hit the clubs and scare the Pretties.'

'I was thinking more along the lines of hitting Wannabes to find out what information my contact has.' Jamie suggested.

'That's if the guy still had the ability to talk.' Guido pointed out. 'Little-Miss Stabby-Pants slit his throat, remember?'

'What?' Sarah asked innocently. 'It was an accident.'

Jamie banged his head on his desk in exasperation, inadvertently creating a Multiple.

'Dude, watch it!' the Multiple hissed as he got up from the floor and rubbed his butt. 'And another thing, get a new décor already. The whole dank and musty thing is _sooo_ last season!'

'Great.' Sarah groaned. 'You went and conjured the _Queer Eye _reject…'

'I had a _Queer Eye_ Multiple?' A confused Jamie scratched his head

'Ooh, somebody's a sulky-puss today.' Queer Eye Jamie smirked. 'C'mon Sarah, turn that frown upside down!'

Sarah narrowed her eyes and unsheathed a bone dagger from her wrist.

'How about I turn your spleen upside down?' Sarah growled threateningly.

'I'd like to go back now…' Queer Eye Jamie yelped.

Jamie quickly absorbed the Multiple before his girlfriend could do any lasting harm.

'Aww, spoil my fun.' Sarah sulked as she chucked her bone dagger at the fall, imbedding it right between the eyes of a photo of Jean Grey stuck on a dartboard.

The trio all turned as one as they heard footsteps approaching the office.

'Somebody's coming!' Jamie gasped in disbelief as he shot up from his seat. 'Somebody's actually here for help!'

Sarah leapt over her desk and raced towards the door. Unfortunately for her, Guido barred her way.

'Out of my way, Chunky.' Sarah growled. 'It's **my** turn for first dibs on the client!'

'First come, first served, Hacky McStab-Stab.' Guido retorted.

Jamie just walked past his friends and answered the door.

'Is this a bad time?' Meggan Braddock smiled sheepishly. 'You guys sounded like you were busy. A kinky mutant orgy kind of busy.'

'No. We're not busy…' Jamie scratched the back of his neck. 'Come in Meggan, have a seat.'

Meggan smiled in thanks as she took a seat opposite Jamie's desk.

'So, what can we do you for?' Jamie asked. 'Please say we can help you. We're desperate for work here! _Desperate!_'

'Dude, you're getting crazy…' Guido pointed out. 'You're scaring the baby.'

'No he's not.' Sarah said, looking at Baby Betsy. 'The runt's asleep.'

'Her name is Elizabeth NymphadoraBraddock, thank you very much.' Meggan pointed out. 'And she isn't a runt. She's just small for her age.'

'You'll have to excuse Sarah…' Jamie apologized. 'She gets cranky when there isn't much to beat up.'

'Then you'll like my offer…' Meggan smiled. 'Jamie, Guido, Sarah… I want you to join Excalibur!'

'And work for the Limey Pretties?' Sarah snorted. 'I don't think so.'

'There will be bad guys to hit.' Meggan continued.

'Okay, you got me.' Sarah grinned. 'Just point me at the suckers that need whuppin'…'

'I guess it's unanimous then.' Jamie nodded.' Guido, what do you think?'

'Anything's better than sitting around this dump.' Guido shrugged. 'I'm in.'

'Okay, then.' Jamie nodded. 'How do we get to London?'

'Magic!' Meggan smirked.

'No, really.' Jamie shook his head. 'How do we get there?'

'_Magic!_' Meggan repeated, a magical stepping disc appearing before her.

Sarah's eyes widened in wonder at the sight.

'Ooh, sparkly…'

* * *

**Somewhere in Washington DC-**

Somewhere in Washington DC, there was a top-secret workshop that belonged to the mutant known only as Forge. This was where he kept all of his latest inventions, dealy-bobs, and whatsits.

Forge looked up from the machine that he was working on and removed his welding goggles. There was a great big stepping disc standing in the middle of his work shop.

'Forge, I have need of you…' A feminine voice announced.

'Not interested.' Forge sniffed, before putting his welding goggles and going back to work.

Amora the Enchantress stepped out of her stepping disc and put her hands on her hips with a sigh. This mortal would be a difficult one.

'Do you not even wish to hear my proposition?' Amora asked as she leant over Forge's shoulder to take a peek at what he was working on.

'Whatever it is, I don't want to know.' Forge replied, not even turning away from his work.

Amora frowned at the lack of reaction she was getting. Usually she would use her feminine wiles to seduce a man into her service, but those days were over. She would have to do this the hard way…

Amora grabbed a wrench from the work bench and clobbered Forge on the head. She then picked the unconscious Cheyenne mutant up and hefted him up over her shoulder. One quick stepping disc later and Amora was on her way back to Braddock Manor.

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

Everybody was now gathered together in the living room of Braddock Manor. The babysitter was looking over Baby Betsy, so Meggan and her new friends could do whatever they wanted now. Meggan had kindly laid on tea and Chocolate Hobnobs for her guests. Well, everybody except Forge, who was still unconscious.

'Was it really necessary to knock him out?' Meggan sighed as she propped Forge up. 'Couldn't you find another way?'

'Umm… I panicked?' Amora smiled sheepishly.

'Well, I like it.' Sarah nodded as she shovelled some Hobnobs in her mouth. 'It'll go real nice with the décor.'

'Forge isn't here as decoration, Sarah…' Jamie pointed out. 'He's here to join us.' Jamie turned to Meggan. 'He_ is _here to join us, right?'

'Yup.' Meggan nodded. 'I couldn't keep him in the living room anyway, he'd clash with the curtains.'

'So what do we do now, Boss Lady?' Guido wondered. 'Do we go to the city and kick some dealer butt or what?'

'I was thinking of something more along the lines of having a celebratory drinkie-poo or seventeen down the pub.' Meggan suggested.

'Sounds good to me.' Jamie nodded. 'Guys?'

'Beer's good.' Guido agreed.

'Beer is our friend.' Sarah added.

'Bring on the malted beverages!' Amora grinned.

The team charged out of the door, only for Meggan to pop back in.

'Bugger. Forgot Forge…'

Meggan hefted Forge up over her shoulder and carried him outside.

'Can't forget you now, can we, Sunshine?' Meggan asked Forge as she gave him a little shake. 'Oh right. Still unconscious. I hope Amora didn't damage you too badly. That would be a real pisser. I need somebody to sort out the DVD recorder to record Neighbours.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Beer, Glorious Beer**

_New Excalibur bonds down the pub. Unfortunately, Shocker and the Rhino may just make the celebration a short one…_


	11. Beer, Glorious Beer

**Uncanny Excalibur **

**Chapter 11: Beer, Glorious Beer**

**By **

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer-** _All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**In a small town nearby Braddock Manor-**

In a small town nearby Braddock Manor, the members of the newly-reformed Excalibur were enjoying a few beers. Amora, Sarah, Jamie, Guido, and a newly-conscious Forge were enjoying the sunshine as they sat in the pub's garden. Even though it was particularly cold, it didn't stop people from enjoying a couple of drinks outside the pub.

Meggan Braddock, the team's self-appointed leader, walked out of the pub with some drinks laid out on a tray.

'Okay. Let me see if I've got this right…' Meggan said as she put the tray on the table. 'Newcastle Brown for Amora and Guido… Double Scotch and Coke for Sarah… Bottle of Bud for Jamie… Orange juice for Forge… And cider and blackcurrant for me.'

'What about the snacks?' Guido asked as he reached for his drink. 'Don't tell me you forgot about the snacks!'

Meggan promptly snatched back the drink.

'Don't we have something to say first?' The empath frowned.

Guido bowed his head.

'Thank you, Meggan. Sorry, Meggan.'

'That's better.' Meggan smiled as she handed out the drinks.

Forge took a sip of his juice and frowned slightly.

'I still don't see why you needed to hit me on the head. I would came come along with you if you only explained everything first.'

Amora wiped her mouth and put down her bottle.

'I suppose that I will never hear the last of this, will I?' The Asgardian sighed.

'Forgive and forget, right Forge?' Meggan asked, shooting Forge a warning look.

'I guess…' The mutant inventor sighed.

Meggan snapped her fingers as she remembered something.

'Bugger! I forgot the snacks!'

Meggan then began to hand out various packets of nibbles.

'We've got pork scratchings, peanuts, both salted and dry roasted, cheesy nibbles, and of course, good ol' fashioned Walkers cheese and onion!'

Marrow eyed the packet of pork scratchings warily.

'What the hell are these things?' The former Morlock frowned.

'Roasted chunks of pig skin.' Meggan replied simply. 'Trust me, they're more appetising than they sound.'** (1)**

'I'll pass, thanks.' Sarah turned her nose up.

'All the more for me.' Meggan smiled as she snatched the packet up and ripped it open. 'Mmmm, fattening…'

The others grabbed the various snacks before they were all gone.

'So, what's on the agenda today?' Jamie asked as he chowed down on some peanuts. 'Are we going to comb the town and see if there's any crime to thwart?'

'That's what the police is for, Jamie.' Meggan replied. 'But, if there's metahuman trouble, that's when it comes down to us.'

'No offence or anything…' Guido piped up. 'But… _what _metahuman trouble?'

'England has more metahuman trouble than you think, Guido.' Amora pointed out as she picked a tiny piece of a cheesy nibble out of her teeth. 'Okay, it is nothing of the magnitude of having Magneto throwing a tantrum in Manhattan, or Sentinels going on the rampage, but we are never left without anything to do.'

'All we need to do now, is wait…' Meggan added. 'Yup. Just wait for trouble. Any time now…'

'It looks like we have been granted a reprieve.' Forge sighed thankfully. 'Thank God. My head still smarts from the wrench Amora smacked me upside the head with.'

'Oh, thank you.' Amora replied again. 'Rub it in, why don't you?'

Fortunately, Amora was denied anymore embarrassment as something exploded a few blocks away.

'Great!' Sarah grinned, before sitting back down. 'I mean, I do hope nobody is hurt…'

Meggan struck a heroic pose.

'Everybody, to the Excalibur-Mobile!'

Guido just shook his head.

'You have watched _way _too much TV…'

* * *

**Several blocks away-**

Not far away from the pub where Excalibur were having a few drinks, the Shocker and the Rhino were smashing the place up. Well, the Rhino was smashing stuff up, the Shocker was just tryign to clam him down.

'Rhino! Just calm down!' The Shocker hissed as his buddy butted a bus out of his way. 'So what if you can't fit in the tea shop? We can have tea and buttered scones back at the hideout!'

'I don't want tea and buttered scones at the hideout!' The Rhino snorted angrily. 'I want tea and buttered scones at a real English tea shop! They have on the TV!'

The Shocker just threw his hand sup in exasperation.

'Oh yeah, come to England, you said. Have tea and buttered scones with the Rhino, you said. you're a dick, Herman Shultz! I shoulda stayed in California!' **(2)**

The Shocker spun around as he heard a car horn blare. The horn sounded like the one from the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazzard. As if to illustrate the point, a replica General Lee shot through the air.

'_YEEEEE-HAAAAW!' _Meggan crowed as her car landed back down to earth.

'I think I swallowed my tongue…' Forge moaned as he fell out the passenger door.

Forge was soon followed by several Multiples.

_'Booyah!_ Let's do that again!' Macho Jamie crowed as he punched the air.

'I fell on my bottom, now my bottom's big…' Stupid Jamie whimpered as he rubbed his backside.

'There's no place like home… There's no place like home…' Wimpy Jamie cowered as he tried to make himself as small as possible.

'Now you see why I chose to teleport the rest of us here.' Amora said as she, Guido, and Sarah stepped out of a teleportation disc.

The Shocker backed away in fear as he saw the assemblage of heroes.

'Now, this isn't what it looks like…'

'It looks to me that your friend and yourself are going through a rampage in my town, Shocker.' Meggan frowned as she crossed her arms over her chest. 'Now that wasn't very nice…'

_'RWAWR!_ I'll mash you all into paste!' Rhino snorted as he charged at the heroes.

'I've got him!' Guido yelled as he stepped up to grabbed Rhino's head. Unfortunately, the villain's momentum smashed them both into a nearby bank.

'Ooh, that's gotta hurt…' Sarah winced, before swiftly ducking down as the Rhino was forcefully propelled through the air.

_'I regret nothiiiiiiing…'_

The Shocker glared at the heroes before him.

'You'd better hurt that he isn't hurt, or…'

'Or what, bub?' Meggan retorted. 'I kind of doubt that you'll be able to take us all on…'

The Shocker's shoulders slumped with a heavy sigh.

'I never wanted to be a supervillain, y'know. I never wanted to break into banks and all that junk. I wanted to be…'

_'A lumberjack!'_ Meggan butted in. Everybody looked at her as if she had turne dpurple and sprouted wings.'What?' She asked as she looked around at her teammates. 'I thought that was where he was going…'

'You _really_ watch too much TV.' Guido groaned.

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

Excalibur (and a somewhat wobbly General Lee replica) hopped out of a teleportation disc. It should have been a happy homecoming, seeing that the team had beaten their first supervillains, but that was not the case…

'Oh God. What's happened?' Jamie gawped as he saw the great fiery hole in the side of the building.

_'BRIAN!'_ Meggan screamed as she flew off into the building. _'WHERE ARE YOU? BRIAN? TALK TO ME!'_

'Meggan…?'

Meggan spun around at the sound of the weak groan.

'Oh God, Brian. What happened?'

Brian Braddock grunted with exertion as he pushed a heavy stone column off of him.

'The last thing remember was picking up Betsy to take her to meet you. They took her, Meg. They took our baby!'

'Who took her, Brian?' Meggan asked, her eyes starting to brim with tears 'Who?'

'Nanny and the Orphan Maker.' Brian replied. 'They tried to kill me, but… I managed to fight back.'

'The bastards!' Meggan snarled. 'I'll have their _bloody_ _**heads!'**_

'Umm, Meg…?' Brian blinked. 'Not that I want to interrupt your manic rampage, but… why are Forge, Marrow, Multiple Man and Strong Guy here? I didn't know we had guests.'

'Oh, I kinda went and reformed Excalibur.' Meggan shrugged. 'I'll explain later. First we need to find our baby and make Nanny pay!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Somebody's Been A Bad Little Supervillain**

_Excalibur take on Nanny and the Orphan Maker. Will they be able to rescue Baby Betsy in time? Pfff. Of course they will._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)-** _Pork scratchings are indeed more appetising than they sound. Funny story: When I was a kid, I wentthrough a phase when I wouldn't eat 'proper meat'. Y'know, chicken, beef, and the like. I would only eat crappy mooshed-up stuff (burgers, etec). Even though I didn't like pork, I still liked pork scratchings? Weird, huh?_

**(2)-** _Shocker and the Rhino were last seen getting their butts kicked in Malibu in_ 'Uncanny Young Avengers.'


	12. Nanny Knows Best

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 12: Nanny Knows Best**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Somewhere in the East End of London-**

Somewhere in an abandoned warehouse in the East end of London, a blue armoured figure was pacing about impatiently.

'Oh _please _can I go out and play, Nanny?' The armoured killer known as the Orphan-Maker whined childishly. 'I promise that I'll be good.'

'Now Peter, hasn't Nanny told you already that it's too dangerous for you to go and play in a big, strange city?' An egg-shaped mechanical creature tutted slightly. 'What would you do if you ended up lost? Nanny wouldn't be able to find you then.'

'Peter' bowed his armoured head in shame.

'I'm sorry. Nanny.' He mumbled. 'I'll remember next time.'

'Good boy.' Nanny nodded. 'Now, be a darling and check up on our guest, will you.'

'Yes, Nanny.' 'Peter' nodded happily as he dashed off right away. 'Right away, Nanny.'

'Peter!' Nanny called after him. 'Do be careful!'

But the robotic egg's warning came too late, as 'Peter' tripped over and fell flat on his face.

_'NANNNNYY!_' 'Peter' let out a howl of pain. 'I've got a boo-boo!'

'Oh, Peter, whatever will I do without you?' Nanny tutted as she waddled over to fuss over her assistant.

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Meanwhile, over the skies of London, Meggan was searching frantically for any sign of her missing daughter. Struggling to keep up with the speeding metamorph in the Midnight Runner were Amora and the rest of Excalibur.

'Meggan, slow down.' Amora called over their comm-units. 'We can barely keep up with you.'

Meggan didn't even stop to regard her teammates.

'The more time I waste waiting for you, the more time Nanny has to harm poor Betsy!' Meggan pointed out, barely keeping it together. 'I told you to stay back at the manor, anyway.'

It was Sarah's voice that replied.

'Hey, when some overgrown egg-on-legs messes with the kid, they have to contend with us as well!'

Forge was the next one to pipe in over the comm-units.

'With Madrox and Strong Guy keeping guard over Brian in the hospital, you need all the help you can get.' The Cheyenne inventor reminded everybody. 'Besides, I'm the only one that has experience with this Nanny anyway.'

'That wasn't you...' Sarah sighed. 'That was the damn Windrider and the rest of the X-Men back when they were in Australia.'

'Well, near enough.' Forge shrugged.

'Wait...' Amora butted in, putting her fingertips to her temples. 'I think I can sense something. Yes. I can definitely sense Little Betsy nearby.'

'Is she...?' Meggan asked concernedly.

'Little Betsy is alive.' Amora explained. 'Alive, but scared.'

Meggan narrowed her eyes in anger.

'Just point me in the right direction.' The blonde metamorph growled. 'Then Nanny will soon find out why she shouldn't mess with Meggan Braddock!'

* * *

**Nanny's warehouse-**

Back inside the warehouse, Nanny and the Orphan Maker were checking up on their 'guest', Little Betsy Braddock.

'You have to stop squirming, poppet.' Nanny sighed. 'Or Nanny won't be able to make you big and strong.'

'Don't wanna be big and strong!' Betsy sobbed as she struggled against her bonds. 'I want my mummy!'

'Your mummy isn't here, my darling.' Nanny tutted. 'Now there's only Nanny.'

'We'll all have fun now!' Peter clapped his hands excitedly. 'Me, Nanny, and you, Betsy. We can all be friends!'

'No!' Betsy sobbed. 'You stinky pooh-pooh head! My mummy will be cross when she finds you! You won't like my mummy when she's cross!'

'Oh, such a potty-mouth.' Nanny shook her head in shame. 'That is what you get for such a bad upbringing. Well, I guess that Nanny will have to give you a spanking...'

'Get your hands off my daughter, witch!'

'What...?' Nanny spun around.

'Mummy!' Betsy smiled gleefully. 'They tried to hurt me, Mummy. Go on, tell them off!'

'Oh, I'm certainly going to give them a good telling off, luv.' Meggan advanced upon her daughter's kidnappers.

'Peter, protect your Nanny!' Nanny ordered the Orphan-Maker into action.

'Oh, goody!' The Orphan-Maker giggled happily. 'Fighty time! Fighty! Fighty! Yay!'

The Orphan-Maker was halted in his tracks as he collided with an invisible wall.

'Hey! That isn't fair!' He whined.

'Neither is kidnapping an innocent child.' Forge replied as he brandished a rather large and hi-tech-looking gun. 'The British people take a rather dim view on child kidnapping.'

'You're going away for a _looong_ time.' Sarah added with a snarl as she brandished a bone dagger. 'That is... _if _there's anything left of you after we've finished...'

The Orphan-Maker started to back up in fear.

'Th-that isn't fair... Y-y-you're ganging up on me. N-Nanny... Tell them...'

'Nanny is a little busy right now, dear.' The robotic egg called over as she struggled with Meggan.

While all this was going on, Amora had snuck up to the device that was holding Little Betsy and released the child from her bonds.

'Shush, it's all right...' Amora cooed comfortingly. 'Auntie Amora's here. You're safe now...'

'It's your kind of people that make me sick!' Meggan growled as she lashed out at Nanny with her claws. 'Child kidnappers! Child molesters! Rapists! You're the scum of the universe! You don't deserve a place on this planet! I should tear you to shreds right now!'

Nanny yelped in fear as Meggan grabbed hold of the power pack on her back and hoisted her up into the air.

'P-please...' Nanny begged. 'I beg you... Don't kill me. I only had the child's best interests at heart.'

'Bollocks!' Meggan growled. 'God knows what you monsters were going to do to her! A poor defenceless child. What did she ever do to you?'

Nanny yelled out loud as Meggan threw the robotic egg across the warehouse with all her might and collided with the wall.

'_Nanny!' _The Orphan-Maker screeched in fear. 'If you've killed her...'

'Pipe down, spanky...' Sarah held her bone knife against his throat. 'I don't wanna get nasty. Okay, I do, but the kid _really_ doesn't need to see that kind of thing after all she's been through today.'

'Besides, your precious Nanny is just fine.' Forge pointed out. 'Meggan just smashed up her power pack.'

'Nanny's all right, poppet...' Nanny mumbled weakly. 'Nanny is just... having a lie down...'

* * *

**Later-**

Meggan was holding Betsy close to her protectively as she watched the authorities cart Nanny and the Orphan Maker away.

'I'm sorry that you had to see Mummy get cross like that, luv. But that Nanny person was naughty, and she had to be punished.'

'S'okay, Mummy.' Betsy hugged her mother tight. 'She gonna be away for a long time.'

'Especially with a reputation like hers...'

Meggan turned around at the sound of the familiar voice. Her mouth fell open in surprise when she saw who it was.

'Alistair Stewart!' She gasped. 'I haven't seen you in ages! Where have you been?'

'Doing my thing to keep Britain safe.' The slightly scruffy STRIKE **(1) **Agent smiled politely as he knelt down to talk to Little Betsy. 'And who is this little darling?'

Betsy hid her face from the strange man.

'Her name is Elizabeth Nymphadora Braddock.' Meggan introduced. 'Go on, luv. Say hello to the nice man...'

Betsy cautiously peered out at the stranger, then hid her face again.

'A little shy, huh?' Alistair chuckled. 'I can understand why she'd be wary of strangers. After all she has gone through today.'

'Ooh. It'll be Betsy's second birthday party on Friday.' Meggan remembered. 'Why don't you come along? Everybody will be there. Brian, myself, the rest of Excalibur, the _old_ Excalibur. Y'know, Kitty and that...'

'Wait...' Alistair frowned slightly. 'There's a _new_ Excalibur?'

Meggan simply waved that off.

'Oh, there'll be a press conference... When is the press conference, Amora?'

Amora conjured a magical diary with a wave of her hands.

'Thursday afternoon...' The former immortal read. 'One-twenty-five, to be precise.'

'I'll explain everything there.'

Alistair nodded impressed.

'And you intend for this incarnation to stay?'

'Oh yes.' Meggan smiled happily. 'The US gets all the fame with their super teams, it's about time that Britain got a chance.'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Happy Birthday**

_Just as Meggan said, it is Little Betsy's second birthday. Presents, cake, and silly party games. Remember Pass the Parcel and Musical Chairs? Then you'll love the next chapter!_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_STRIKE is the British equivalent of SHIELD. Don't ask me what it stands for though..._


	13. Happy Birthday

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 13: Happy Birthday**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

It was a very special day in the home of Brian, Meggan and little Baby Betsy Braddock. It was Betsy's second birthday, and her mummy and daddy were busy preparing for the party. Well, that's what Betsy _thought_ they were doing. Mummy and daddy had left her with Auntie Amora while they did whatever they had to do.

'I'm a big girl today.' Betsy smiled happily as she bounced about excitedly. 'I'm two!'

'I know.' Amora smiled back. 'You have been saying that ever since you woke up this morning. Now why don't you sit down before you tire yourself out? You'll need a lot of energy for the party. Lots of people want to see you.'

Betsy's grin only widened.

'Will Unca' Wade be comin'?' Betsy asked, her pudgy little face lit up in excitement. 'he talks funny. And he gives me bubba wrap!'

'I'm sure that Unca Wade will be one of the first people here.' Amora reassured the blonde pixy-eared toddler.

Betsy leapt onto her giant red beanbag chair with a squeal.

'What about Unca Forge, Unca Jamie, Unca Guido and Auntie Sarah? Where have they gone? Have they gone to get me a pony?'

'I don't think they have, Betsy.' Amora shook her head with a chuckle.

'Where have they gone then?' Betsy looked up at her babysitter for the day.

Amora tapped her nose conspiratorially.

'I can't tell you, it's a secret.'

'But I wanna _knoooooow...' _Betsy pouted. 'Ooh! Have they gone to get me cake and ice-cream? I _love_ cake and ice-cream!'

Amora just chuckled good-naturedly at Betsy's exuberance. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to have let her eat all that chocolate at lunch...

* * *

**Later-**

Betsy had finally tired herself out, and had been taken upstairs for a nap. She would be brought back down when the guests had arrived.

Amora was taking a well-earned coffee break in the kitchen. Forge was also in there. He was making some last-minute adjustments to his gift to Betsy.

'Are you sure that I can't help?' Amora inquired as she set her coffee cup down on the counter. 'I may not know much about machines, but I'm a quick learner.'

Forge looked up at Amora from his position knelt on the floor in front of his doo-hickey.

'After that whack on the head you gave me a few weeks ago. **(1) **I've learnt not to let you near my tools.'

Amora rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh.

'Hit somebody on the head with a wrench, and you end up paying for it for the rest of your life.'

'When are the guests arriving anyway?' Forge queried as he got up off the floor and wiped his hands with a rag.

'Any time soon, I should think.' Amora answered. 'Meggan and Brian are expecting Betsy Senior first.'

'Well, she is the kid's aunt.' Forge conceded. 'But there's one thing that bothers me... is it such a good idea letting somebody like Deadpool near such an impressionable child? She's already inherited his obsession with Bea Arthur.'

'We all have our unusual habits, my dear Forge.' Amora pointed out. 'Like your unusual taste for marmite on toast.'

'What?' Forge held his hands up in defence. 'I like marmite.'

'How could you like such a substance?' Amora stuck her tongue out in disgust. 'It's terrible!'

'You don't know what you're missing.' Forge tutted. 'Well, that's my gift finished. Now all I need to do is wrap it. Where did I put that paper...'

'Allow me...' Amora insisted as she waved her hands in the air. Forge looked on as the wrapping paper wrapped itself around his gift as if manipulated by invisible hands.

'Well, that certainly saves time.' He nodded in appreciation. 'What's your gift?'

'You will have to wait until later to find out.' Amora smiled coyly. 'Just like everybody else.'

'It's a pony, isn't it?' Forge surmised. 'You went and got Betsy a pony.'

Amora put her hands on her hips with a hurt expression.

'Well, that certainly spoilt my fun.'

Forge just shook his head with a chuckle.

'Yup, I'm a regular spoilsport.'

'A cute one too.' Amora muttered to herself.

'What was that?'

Amora's eyes darted about nervously.

'Nothing...'

* * *

**Later still-**

Betsy had been brought back downstairs as soon as the guests had started to arrive. Betsy was dressed in her prettiest green party dress, and she looked like an absolute princess. It would inevitably end up covered in chocolate and ice-cream, but that was why washing machines were invented.

Just as Amora had surmised, Betsy Senior was the first to arrive, along with Uncle Wade and the rest of the X-Men. Well, those X-Men who had been former members of Excalibur anyway. Kitty, Rachel, Piotr, Kurt, Rahne, Warlock, Moira, and Pete were more than happy to come and say hello to the birthday girl.

Baby Betsy was happy to see so many people. Lots of people at the party meant lots of presents.

Wade walked up to Baby Betsy with his arm held wide for a hug.

'How's my little pixie?' Wade grinned happily.

'Unca Wade!' Betsy squealed as she jumped up and tried to reach him.

Wade picked Baby Betsy up and held her tight.

'Ready for your big party?'

'Yeah! Yeah!' Betsy giggled excitedly. 'I've got lots of presents!'

'Wanna go see if we can open them yet?'

Betsy looked over at her mother.

'Can I open my presents now, mummy? _Pweeeeease?_'

'Of course you can, darling.' Meggan nodded with a gentle smile. 'Just remember to put the paper in the bin bag when you've finished, 'kay?'

'I will, mummy.'

Wade put Betsy back on her feet and followed her over to the presents.

Back with the adults, and those who still had some sense of sanity, Kitty whispered something to Meggan.

'Are you sure it's safe to let him so close to your daughter?'

'Wade is Betsy's godfather, you know, Kitty.' Meggan pointed out. 'He'd never do anything to hurt her.'

Over by the pile of presents, Wade jumped up and waved his hand about.

'Ahh! Ahh! Paper cut!'

Kitty shook her head and looked to Betsy Senior.

'And you want to have kids of your own with that man?'

Betsy just sighed dreamily and put a hand on her belly.

'We're going to call them Bea and Arthur.'

Rachel's jaw dropped.

'You mean to say that...'

Rachel looked down at Betsy's belly.

'You and... _Wade...?'_

'Twins.' Betsy smiled proudly.

Rachel rubbed the bridge of her nose.

'I need a drink... a strong one...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Party Games**

_With the presents unwrapped, it's time for fun and games. Pass the parcel! Musical chairs! Pin the tail on the donkey! Jelly and ice-cream for all!_

* * *

**Author's Note-**

**(1)- **_Amora smacked Forge upside the head with a wrench in Chapter 10._


	14. Party Games

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 14: Party Games**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Note- **_Meggan's favourite television programme used to be Crossroads._

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

Little Betsy Braddock had already shredded open her presents. Brian and Meggan's daughter couldn't be more pleased with her gifts. The more guests that went to her party, the more presents she received. Not that Betsy Junior was shallow like that.

The birthday girl was sitting at the head of the table while her guests sat around her.

'But mummy, I wanna play party games.' Betsy sulked.

'You can play games after we've had some food, okay sweetie?' Meggan smiled at her daughter. 'Then after the games, you get your cake.

'Yay! Cake!' Betsy cheered. 'I love cake!'

'Uh. no offence or anything Meg...' Kitty piped up. 'But... did you make the cake yourself?'

'With my own fair hands.' Meggan nodded. 'My culinary skills have come a long way since I almost burnt down Muir Island making toast you know.'

'That didn't actually happen did it?' Betsy Senior's eyes widened in surprise. 'I thought that was just a legend.'

'Oh, laugh it up, the whole lot of you.' Meggan rolled her eyes with a sigh. 'And you, Elizabeth Braddock, I have heard all about your drunken attempts to make beans on toast.'

Betsy turned to her twin brother with a venomous glare. Brian just whistled innocently as if nothing had happened at all.

'I like having Spaghetti-O's and Cheez-Whiz for breakfast.' Wade piped up with a grin.

Everybody shot the former Merc-With-A-Mouth with disgusted looks.

Wade decided that it may be a good idea if he changed the subject.

'Ooh, is that strawberry jelly?'

* * *

**After tea-**

Betsy's birthday tea had finished with a minimum of mess. Most of the mess had been Wade having trouble grasping the concept of jam donuts, but that wasn't important. What was important however, was the party games!

'Okay, what game do you want to play first?' Meggan asked.

'Pass the Parcel!' Betsy Jr. squealed.

'Musical chairs!' Betsy Sr. clapped her hands in almost childish excitement.

'Pin the tail on the donkey!' Guido cheered.

Jamie looked at his rather large friend with a 'what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about' expression.

'What?' Guido asked innocently. 'I rule at that game!'

'Let's play strip poker!' Wade bounced up and down excitedly. Somebody had eaten too much jelly and ice-cream.

'Uh, Wade... You do realise that this is a kid's party, right?' Rachel pointed out.

'So?' Wade countered. 'The sooner we start Li'l Betsy on the grown-up games, the better.'

'I don't think that we will be playing strip poker, Wade.' Brian told him.

Wade opened his mouth to try and convince Brian to change his mind, but Brian shot him a warning look.

Wade smiled at everybody embarrassedly.

'So, pass the parcel anybody?'

Everybody sat in a circle on the floor while Meggan went to the kitchen to get the package that she had prepared especially for the game.

'I've never played this game before.' Amora said as she plopped down beside Forge. 'Tell me, how do you play it?'

'You're asking the wrong guy, Amora.' Forge shot the former immortal Enchantress an apologetic look. 'I've never played it either.'

'Ooh. Do you think it involves kissing?' Amora's eyes sparkled mischievously. 'You know, like spin the bottle?'

'I somehow doubt it.' Forge shook his head.

Meggan walked out of the kitchen with a well-wrapped parcel.

'Okay, for those of you that don't know how to play this game...'

'Meaning, you dumb Yanks.' Betsy snickered.

'Hey!' Wade shot his girlfriend a glare.

'It's how I know you best, luv.' Betsy gave Wade a reassuring pat on the head.

'If I can continue?' Meggan frowned slightly. 'Now, you play the game thus... The parcel is passed person-to-person until Brian...'

'Hello.' Brian gave everybody a little wave from his position next to the stereo.

'Until Brian stops the music.' Meggan continued. 'Then, whoever has the parcel in their hands must unwrap one layer of paper. One layer, mind. We don't want any cheaters. And just as an secret bonus, in-between each layer is a special little surprise.'

'Wow, stop the crazy whirly-gig off fun.' Sarah muttered sarcastically. 'I'm getting dizzy.'

'Sarah, shush!' Jamie hissed to his girlfriend. 'Don't make Meggan angry. Don't you remember what she did to Nanny a week or two ago?' **(1)**

'Shutting up.' Sarah smiled innocently.

Meggan turned to give her husband a thumbs-up, his signal to play the music.

Betsy Jr. was the first to pass on the parcel. She passed it on to TJ, who passed it on to Rachel, who passed it on to Piotr, and so on...

Brian stopped the music. Wade was left holding the parcel.

'Yay! I'm first!' The slightly hyper Wade grinned happily as he began to shred off a layer of paper. Wade stopped once he felt something plop into his lap.

'Ooh, Smarties.' Wade's eyes shone in excitement.

'Great.' Betsy Sr. groaned. 'That's just what he needs, more sugar!'

Wade passed the parcel onwards as Brian started up the music again.

* * *

**Several rounds of shredded paper and Smarties later-**

The parcel had been well and truly unwrapped and everybody had won a prize. Okay, it was only a tube of Smarties, but it was a pleasant surprise anyway. As you could have guessed, Betsy Jr. was the one that ended up with the grand prize.

'Yay! I win!' Betsy cheered as she waved her prize above her head. 'Harry Potter! Wheeee!'

'And it's the new movie as well...' Wade pouted. 'I wanted that movie.'

'Oh, shut up and eat your Smarties.' Betsy Sr. shook her head.

'Well, I can honestly say that this has been the most fun I have ever had that hasn't involved trying to seduce Thor.' Amora enthused as she helped Forge pick up the shredded paper while Meggan and Brian prepared the birthday cake. 'Don't you think so, Forge?'

'It was... different.' Forge admitted.

'Oh, don't act all grumpy around me, Forge.' Amora gave Forge a poke. 'I saw you crack a smile when you unwrapped your Smarties!'

Forge put a finger to his lips in a 'shush' motion.

'Shh, don't tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold.'

'Oh, I'm going to get you to laugh one of these days.' Amora frowned. 'Even if I have to grab you and tickle you half to death!'

Nearby, Rahne leant over to whisper into Jamie's ear.

'Is it me, or is Amora crushin' on Forge?'

'Oh, it's not you.' Jamie shook his head. 'Amora's been making goo-goo eyes at Forge ever since she smacked him on the head with a wrench.' **(2)**

'I'll never be able tae understand these Asgardians.' Rahne shook her head and popped the last of her Smarties in her mouth.

A collective gasp rose from the room as the lights were turned off.

Betsy Jr. whimpered in fear, but a comforting squeeze of the hand from Kurt put her at ease. It seemed that Betsy got along with the fuzzy elf almost as much as her mother did back in the day. Well, minus the lusty wrong feelings. Kurt wasn't a cradle snatcher, you know.

Brian held the door open as Meggan carried the cake into the room.

'Happy birthday to you...' Meggan sang, before nodding to the others as if telling them to join in. 'Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday dear Betsy, happy birthday to you...'

'And you smell like one too. Heh.'

'_Wade!_' Betsy Sr. hissed.

'Sorry.' Wade bowed his head like a child that had just had a jolly good telling off.

Betsy Jr. clapped in glee as she took a seat in front of the great big SpongeBob cake that Meggan had made especially.

'Blow out the candles and make a wish, luv.' Brian told his daughter.

Betsy Jr. scrunched up her eyes as she thought of a wish, before opening her eyes and blowing out the candles with a great big puff of breath.

'You do know that isn't hygienic, right?' Pete pointed out.

Everybody shot the Brit mutant identical glares.

'Shutting up.'

'Well, what did ye ask for?' Moira asked.

'I can't tell you.' Betsy Jr. smiled cheekily. 'Or it won't come true.'

'I bet it's a pony.' TJ guessed. 'Every girl wants a pony.'

'Not me.' Sarah shook her head. 'Unless you meant wanting a pony to eat. Y'know, I could really do with one of those right about now...'

Betsy Jr. looked up at her mother with an alarmed expression.

'Aunty Sarah doesn't really eat ponies, does she?'

'Of course I don't, sweetie.' Sarah smiled, ruffling Betsy's hair. 'Eating ponies is only for stinky French people.'

'Blech.' Betsy Jr. stuck her tongue out in disgust. 'French people are icky!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: No TV And No Shopping Make Meggan Something, Something...**

_Meggan and the girls go shopping while Brian and the lads appear on the TV. _

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Meggan opened a can of whupass on Nanny in Chapter 12._

**(2)- **_Amora 'recruited' Forge in Chapter 10._


	15. No TV And No Shopping

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 15: No TV And No Shopping Make Meggan Something, Something...**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Fact- **_Jon Pertwee is my favourite Doctor Who. And my favourite Jon Pertwee episode? _'The Green Death'_. Yeah, the one with the giant maggots._

* * *

**Outside Braddock Manor-**

Meggan was standing outside Braddock Manor with Amora and Sarah. The girls were about to leave on a shopping trip. They were just deciding which car to take. Meggan had a habit of buying replicas of famous cars from movies or TV. Apart from the replica General Lee from _'The Dukes of Hazzard'_, Meggan was the proud owner of a classic red Mini Cooper, like the ones used in _'The Italian Job'_. Meggan also owned an E-Type jaguar with a Union Jack paintjob, just like Austin Power's Shaguar. Then there was the yellow Volkswagen Beetle, like Bumblebee of '_Transformers_' fame. Finally, there was a classic Aston Martin DB5, just like the one seen in '_Goldfinger_'.

Meggan was showing off the Aston Martin to a visibly impressed Sarah.

'Mmm, smell that leather upholstery...' Meggan smiled as she leant back in her seat and gave her leather armrest a squeeze. 'Doesn't it smell great?'

'I guess.' Sarah shrugged. 'Leather ain't really my thing.'

Sarah then noticed a big red button on the dashboard.

'Ooh, what does this button do?' Sarah asked as she reached out to press the button.

'Sarah, no! Don't press that button!' Meggan went to grab her friend's hand. Unfortunately, Meggan's warnings came too late as a screaming Sarah was catapulted into the air by the Aston Martin's ejector seat.

'You just had to install all of the gadgets, didn't you?' Amora shook her head solemnly.

'What?' Meggan smiled innocently. 'It wouldn't be James Bond's Aston Martin without the ejector seat and everything. You should see how fun the machine gun headlights are during rush hour.'

Amora blinked in surprise.

'That was a joke.' Meggan laughed nervously. 'Perhaps we'd better take the Beetle instead...'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Several miles away, in a television studio somewhere in London, the male members of Excalibur were being prepared for a television interview. Much to Guido's reluctance, he had been made to wear his old yellow-and-blue X-Factor uniform.

'Can't get any gayer than this...' Guido muttered to himself as he checked his reflection in the mirror. 'I thought I'd hung up this monkey suit forever.'

'I thought our old X-Factor duds were pretty nifty.' Jamie countered as he pulled up the hood of his old uniform. 'S'funny though, I thought this old thing was thrown out after X-Factor disbanded.

'I think somebody donated the costumes.' Brian estimated as he polished his Union Jack-emblazoned helmet. 'Didn't you know that there's a whole floor of Madame Tussaud's dedicated to superheroes?'

'Oh, you wacky Brits and your super-fun museums.' Guido groused as he twirled his finger in the air.

'Hey, don't diss the place until you've tried it, buddy.' Jamie pointed out as he clapped his hands, creating a pair of duplicates.

'Yeah, dude!' One dupe added. 'Madame T's is the shiznit!'

'I just wish that they hadn't taken down the Kylie Minogue waxwork.' The second dupe shook his head sadly. 'You could see her butt and everything...'

Brian leant over to speak to a rather solemn Forge. Okay, Forge being solemn was by no means an unusual thing, but it was Brian's duty as the co-leader of Excalibur to try and cheer up his teammate.

'So Forge, why the long face? Don't tell me that you're afraid of appearing on TV.'

'It's not that, Brian...' Forge shook his head. 'it's just that whenever I appear on television, something always crops up to spoil it. Whether it's evil mutants attacking, or anti-mutant bigots trying to lynch me...'

'Dude, you need to get yourself a girlfriend, stat!' Jamie patted the Cheyenne mutant on the shoulder. 'I hear that Amora's single.'

Forge looked at the younger mutant in disbelief.

'What? Me and Amora? Are you mental?'

'She wants you, buddy.' Guido snickered. 'Trust me. I've seen the way she looks at you. She's hankering for a bit of Forge loving!'

Forge looked at Brian, as if begging him for sanity amidst such insanity.

'Sorry to do this to you, my friend...' Brian shook his head apologetically. 'But I think Amora does have romantic feelings for you...'

Forge held his head in his hands and groaned out loud.

'Oh Gods. This cannot be happening.'

'It is, buddy.' Guido smirked. 'But look at it this way, at least she isn't a wanted mutant terrorist or anything...'

'Dude!' Jamie hissed as he elbowed the mutant known as Strong Guy in the side. 'Who do you think Forge's last girlfriend was?'

'Magneto in drag?' Guido scratched his head in confusion.

'I worry about you, sometimes.' Jamie shook his head in shame. 'I really do.'

* * *

**Back with the girls-**

The ladies were now strolling through Leicester Square. Sarah remained pretty much unscathed after falling victim to the Aston Martin's ejector seat. Okay, she was a little peeved off, but wouldn't you be the same?

'Are you sure you're okay?' Meggan asked. 'The way you landed on the ground after being catapulted out of the car looked painful.'

'I'm fine.' Sarah grumbled. 'It isn't anything that I haven't handled before. Justa couple of bruises.'

'And you snapped off part of your eyebrow ridge.' Amora added, referring to the bone ridge on Sarah's forehead.

'Meh. It'll grow back.' Sarah shrugged. 'Like I said, I've had worse.'

Meggan decided to change the subject.

'So, here we are, in Leicester square. Which shop do you want to go in first? There's a Virgin Megastore over there if you wanna go buy some CDs or something. There's a ton of clothes shops over here... or we could go get something to eat.'

Little Baby Betsy's ears pricked up at the sound of food.

'I wanna go McDonald's!' The two year old clapped her hands excitedly. 'McDonald's! McDonald's!'

'I'm sorry, luv...' Meggan shook her head apologetically. 'But no McDonald's today. You've been eating too much rubbish lately. We're gonna be eating healthily for a while now.'

'But Auntie Amora don't eat healthy!' Betsy pointed at the former Asgardian immortal eating a hotdog that she had just bought from a street vendor.

'That's because Auntie Amora can just magic away all the calories.' Meggan pointed out.

'You can change your shape, Meg.' Sarah added. 'So why do you eat all that rabbit food crap? Couldn't you just change into a slimmer shape?'

'Doing that gives me wind.' Meggan rolled her eyes. 'Now, we're going to Subway.'

'Oh yeah, foot long sandwiches.' Sarah snorted. 'That's _really_ healthy!'

'I think I'll have the Marmite and Swiss cheese on wholemeal bread today.' Amora thought out loud. 'Or perhaps the barbeque chicken on Cheesy Italian...'

'Just gimmie a slab of bloody steak on white any day.' Sarah licked her lips. 'Mmm, blood...'

* * *

**Back with the men-**

Brian and the rest of the guys were gathered in the television studio. They were just waiting for the show to come back from a commercial break.

'I can't tell you how exciting this is going to be.' The chat show host, a blonde woman with a Northern accent, enthused. 'You guys are the first ever superheroes that I've had on me show! Okay, I once had Captain America on me radio show, but that ain't the point. Excalibur! I'm actually gonna be talkin' to Excalibur!'

'We're just as excited as you are, Ms Cox.' Brian smiled. 'This will be Excalibur's first appearance on television since we reformed.'

The stage manager signalled that they were just about to come back from commercial, so everybody took their places. The host sat up straight and prepared to do her thing.

'And welcome back. everybody. I'm now joined by several members of England's very own superhero team: Excalibur! Captain Britain, Madrox the Multiple Man, Strong Guy, and Forge! Say hello to the people at home, guys!'

'Hello.' Brian nodded politely.

'Hi.' Guido gave a little wave.

'Hey.' Forge nodded.

'Howdy-howdy-howdy!' Jamie grinned like a loon. That elicited a few laughs from the audience.

'I can see who the team's comic relief is already.' The host chuckled. 'Now, to cut straight to the chase, what happened to the old team?'

'Well, I guess we all had our own business to see to.' Brian explained. 'Kid Razor and Sonic Blue both have their own cities to patrol in America. Dazzler had her music career to get to. Longshot was more than happy to tag along with her. They are a married couple after all.'

'Aww, yeah!' Jamie nodded. 'Longshot wants himself some lovin'!'

The audience laughed again.

'I guess my next question should be, why these heroes?' The host asked.

'Well, the new team was pretty much Meggan's idea.' Guido answered. 'I still dunno why she chose Madrox of all people, but you gotta have yer annoyin' comic relief, I guess. Kinda like Quicksilver was back in the old X-Factor days.'

'I thought _I _was the comic relief back then.' Jamie frowned.

'We just let you believe that, dude.' Guido smirked.

Then the host turned to ask Forge a question.

'Forge... You must be the broody one. Do you ever smile?'

'He tried it once.' Jamie cut in. 'He never liked it.'

Forge shot his teammate a glare before answering the question.

'I'm more of the team's science guy.' The Cheyenne inventor explained. 'I'm happiest rustling up some new doo-hickey or thingamy-bob than cracking wise. but that doesn't mean that I don't know any jokes.'

'Okay then...' The host grinned. 'Tell us a joke. Prove to us that you have a sense of humour...'

Forge searched his memory for any decent jokes.

'Okay then, how about his one... How did Professor X know what Cyclops was getting for Christmas?'

'I don't know.' The host shook her head. 'How did Professor X know what Cyclops was getting for Christmas?'

Forge smirked slightly before he let everybody in on the answer.

'He felt his presence!'

Brian and the others, the audience, and the host of the show all groaned at the lameness of Forge's joke.

'Aww, man.' Jamie shook his head in shame. 'That was weak!'

Forge held out his hands in an 'I-told-you-so' pose.

'And this is precisely why I don't make the funny...'

* * *

**Back with the ladies-**

Meggan and the rest of the girls were now in one of London's many clothes shops. Meggan and Amora were waiting beside one of the changing rooms while Sarah tried on some clothes. Betsy was sitting in her pushchair. The precocious two year old was trying to reach some cookies in one of her mother's shopping bags.

'Betsy, leave the bags alone.' Meggan told her daughter off gently. 'You won't find those cookies anywhere. I've hidden them. Besides, you know they're Daddy's special cookies.'

'Daddy woulda wanted to share.' Betsy sulked. 'Daddy always shares!'

'You'll have to wait until we get home.' Meggan told her daughter. 'You can't eat in clothes shops. It isn't allowed.'

'Clothes shop's stupid.' Betsy sniffed. 'I want a cookie.'

'Later, darling.' Meggan knelt down and placed a hand on her daughter's knee. 'I promise.'

'Okay...' Betsy sighed. 'Why's Auntie Sarah takin' so long? She fall down hole?'

'Sarah...?' Meggan gently tapped on the door of the changing room. 'Are you okay in there? Do you need any help?'

'No... Rrrr... I'm okay... Dammit.' Sarah grunted from within the changing room. 'I can manage on my...'

Meggan winced as she heard the tearing of material.

'Aww, son of a...'

A pink top came flying over the top of the door. Meggan caught it and held it out for the others to see. There was a great big gash in it that could only have been caused by one of Sarah's protruding bones.

'Perhaps pink isn't your colour.' Amora suggested. 'Have you thought about trying these leather trousers?'

There was a muttered curse as the door opened a crack and a hand came out to snatch away the leather trousers that Amora was holding in outstretched hands.

'People would think that she doesn't like shopping for clothes.' Amora quipped.

'Aww, shaddup.' Sarah grunted from within the changing room. 'Don't you have somebody to go seduce?'

Meggan and Amora just looked at each other. Both women covered their mouths with their hands, their bodies shaking with barely concealed mirth.

'I can hear you, y'know.' Sarah muttered. 'Come to London, Sarah. You'll have fun, Sarah. Just you wait, Jamie Madrox. Your ass is mine. And not in a good way either!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Maker and the Enchantress**

_Amora and Forge go on their first ever date. Will everything go along smoothly? When Jamie and Guido decide to follow the pair, you can bet that it won't be any normal romantic dinner and show!_


	16. The Maker And The Enchantress

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 16: The Maker And The Enchantress**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

It was a beautiful summer morning at the home of Brian and Meggan Braddock. The two happy parents were presently playing with their little daughter Betsy in the garden. Also in the garden were their fellow members of Excalibur Sarah, Jamie Madrox, and Guido Carosella.

'And here I was thinking that Britain didn't get any sun.' Guido remarked from his cabana chair as he popped open a can of beer.

'Britain gets plenty of sun, Guido.' Meggan pointed out as she rubbed suntan lotion into her daughter's shoulders. 'We're not all pea soup fog and red double-decker buses, you know.'

'Geez. I was only saying.' Guido held his hands up in defence. 'No need to get snippy.'

'You'll have to excuse Meggan, Guido.' Brian smiled embarrassedly. 'She does get ever so protective whenever somebody insults her country.'

'It would be nice if you'd do the same, Brian.' Meggan responded with her own smile. 'You _are _Britain's chosen protector, after all.'

'Yo, Guido!' Jamie called from the other side of the garden, where he was kicking a ball about with Sarah. 'Throw over a beer, would you? All this soccer is thirsty work.'

'I think you mean football.' Meggan corrected him.

'Oh no...' Brian groaned, holding his head in his hands. 'Here she goes again...'

'No, I meant soccer.' Jamie replied. 'Soccer is all Manchester United and national stadiums that never get built. _Real _football is...'

'American football is nothing but rugby with extra padding.' Meggan snorted in derision. 'How stupid is that? A nation that prides itself on its virility and masculinity straps on pounds of padding just to play rugby. And what's up with the World Series? It's called the _World_ Series, but only American and Canadian teams can play? That's dumb old Yank logic for you.'

Jamie's mouth opened and closed as he tried to search for a response to Meggan's obviously superior British logic.

While this was going on, Guido was shaking up a can of beer that he was going to give Jamie.

Baby Betsy cocked her head in curiosity when she noticed that her silly Uncle Guido was up to something. Guido just put a finger to his lips, signalling Betsy to be quiet.

Betsy giggled in delight. She always loved it when Uncle Guido did something funny.

Guido interrupted the argument to give Jamie his beer.

'Dude, shut up and get that down your neck.' Guido ordered, holding out the shaken can.

Jamie glared at Meggan as he began to open the beer. He'd think of something to say to her. Oh yes, Jamie Madrox would get his reve...

_**PLAFF!**_

Jamie yelled in surprise as he was hit in the face with a torrent of foam. Even Sarah laughed at the sight.

'Ahhh! Guido! You sonova...!'

'Children present!' Guido pointed out. 'No naughty language in front of Betsy!'

'Damn, Jamie...' Sarah snickered. 'You got served!'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

The city of London wasn't all concrete and glass skyscrapers. Hyde Park had been a part of the city almost as long as there had been a London. As well as holding concerts practically every other week, the park was a great place to hang out in whenever the weather was good. Which was precisely why Amora had chosen it as the destination of her date with Forge. The weather was too good to sit cooped up in a movie theatre for a couple of hours, even if they were air-conditioned.

The pair walked arm-in-arm down the path beside a lake where swans, geese, and the like resided.

'Mmm, it is such a wonderful day.' Amora smiled happily. 'Don't you think so, Forge?'

'I guess.' The Cheyenne mutant shrugged.

'You _guess?_' Amora looked at her companion with a frown. 'What's the matter, aren't you enjoying your day out? A day in the park is much better for you than staying locked up in the garage tinkering with all those machines.'

'I have a job to do, Amora.' Forge pointed out. 'Meggan and Brian pay me to keep the Midnight Runner, uh... running. It wouldn't do us well if we were half-way through a flight and suddenly ran out of gas, or something.'

'That wouldn't be any trouble for some of us.' Amora responded. 'Brian and Meggan can both fly and have super-strength, and I could teleport those of us that can't fly out of trouble.'

Forge frowned at that. Amora's logic was faultless. Curse her superior female logic!

'Oh look, there's an ice-cream van...' Forge quickly changed the subject. 'Come on, it's my treat.'

Amora allowed herself to be led towards the brightly-coloured vehicle where a large group of children and parents had gathered.

What the pair of heroes didn't know was that they were being watched. Underneath the shadow of a willow tree, one of Jamie's Dupes was spying on them. As soon as Jamie had discovered that Amora and Forge were going out on a date, he dispatched several Dupes to follow them in an effort to get anything that might be worthy blackmail material.

The Dupe watched through a pair of binoculars as Forge paid for the ice-cream. Just regular vanilla ice-cream with a chocolate flake stuck in the top. Nothing all too shocking there.

The Dupe narrowed his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. They would never say or do anything incriminating at this rate.

'_Hisssss!'_

The Dupe turned around to see a rather large grey-and-black goose leering at him.

'_Hisssss!'_

'What's your problem?' The Dupe frowned. 'Go on, shoo! Get outta here!'

The Dupe's attempts to shoo away the goose only served to agitate the bird further. It started to honk angrily.

'_Honk! **Honk!**'_

The Dupe picked up a fallen tree branch and swung it at the goose.

'Go on! Get outta here! Go on, shoo!'

That didn't help one little bit. The goose started to peck at him and smack him about with its wings.

'Ahh! Ahh! Stoppit! Get away! **_AHHHHH!_**'

A short distance away, Amora frowned in concern as she saw the shaking willow branches.

'Do you hear that?' Amora asked, cocking her head in an attempt to hear it better.

'I don't hear a thing.' Forge shook his head.

'Fair enough.' Amora shrugged it off. 'Are you ready to go to the zoo?'

'Do I have a choice?'

* * *

**London Zoo-**

London Zoo was one of London's most famous tourist attractions. It was just as famous as the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, or Madame Tussaud's. It had a wide array of creatures on show. From the little, such as spiders and various other creepy-crawlies, to the large, such as elephants and lions.

Once again, Amora was in the lead, practically dragging Forge around the place.

'Amora, can we please sit down for a minute?' Forge begged. 'My blisters have got blisters!'

'We can't stop now!' Amora exclaimed excitedly. 'Or we'll miss the gorillas' two p.m. feeding time. Then we'll have to wait until the two-oh-five feeding time!'

Forge shook his head. What had he gotten himself in to? Being Amora's plaything was becoming less attractive by the moment.

The pair walked past a seemingly innocuous man wearing a trenchcoat, dark glasses and wide-brimmed hat. Yes, it was another one of Jamie's Dupes spying on them.

'Dupe Zero-Charlie-Echo reporting...' The Dupe spoke into a tiny microphone on his lapel. 'Nothing to report as of yet. Subject A-to-the-Mizzle seems unusually intent on seeing the gorillas, howeve...'

The Dupe's report was cut short as a chimpanzee reached through it's cage and snatched the hat off his head.

'Hey! Give that back you little...'

'_Ooh-ooh-aah!_' The chimpanzee hooted happily as it put the Dupe's hat on its head and clambered up its tyre swing.

'Gimmie my hat back!' The Dupe slammed its fists onto the cage's bars. 'Give it back, you little sons of bi... Oh, no...'

The Dupe's eyes widened in surprise and fear as he realised what the chimpanzees were doing.

'Oh _God, _no! Not the pooh! Anything but the pooh flinging! No! _No! **NOOOOOOO...!**_'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: He Ain't Crazy, He's My Brother!**

_Jamie Braddock returns from the grave. This time he has help! Warwolves, crazy former Captain Britains, and Slaymasters, oh my!_


	17. He Ain't Crazy, He's My Brother!

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 17: He Ain't Crazy, He's My Brother!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

The members of Britain's very own superhero team were having a little downtime. Luckily, no supervillains had chosen to try their luck. It was quiet. Almost _too_ quiet...

Meggan Braddock drummed her fingers on the tabletop impatiently.

'God, I'm bored...'

'Join the club.' Jamie Madrox sighed as he leant back in his seat.

Guido Carosella looked over at his teammates from his place sitting down on the floor. The super-strong mutant known as Strong Guy was playing video games with Marrow.

'You guys're just jealous cuz you suck at video games.' The white-haired mutant teased them with a big grin.

'I wouldn't suck if I was able to practice.' Meggan pointed out. 'You've got some bloody cheek. It's my bloody console!'

'So, what're you gonna do?' Marrow mocked the blonde metamorph. 'You gonna take your console away? If you can't play, nobody can, right?.'

'Damn straight.' Meggan stuck her tongue out as she turned off the games console.

Quite luckily, there was a news broadcast being shown on the TV at that precise moment.

'I'm John Thomas reporting from the Tower of London...' The news reporter reported. 'The scene down here at one of London's most famous landmarks is sheer chaos! It seems as if somebody, somehow, has turned the Tower into a... bouncy castle! Yes, that's right! A bouncy castle!'

A short distance away, in the garage, Forge turned from his latest attention as he heard the news broadcast on his little portable TV.

'Must be a slow news day.' Forge sighed as he put down the mechanical doo-hickey that he had been tinkering with. 'It's either cats getting stuck up trees, or landmarks being turned into inflatables...'

Forge barely had time to get up when Amora ran into the garage.

'Forge! Evil trickery is afoot!'

'I know.' Forge replied as he got off his stool and switched of the TV set. 'I heard the news.'

'This has Loki's foul stench all over it!' Amora punched her hand with an angry growl. 'Just wait until I get my hands on him...'

'Actually, screwing reality is more of the Adversary's work.' Forge suggested, referring to his old nemesis.

'It matters not who is responsible for such trickery!' Amora shot back. 'They shall rue the day that they started to screw around with London's landmarks!'

* * *

**Later-**

The infamous Tower wasn't the only area that was affected by the reality warp. The warp was starting to spread. Buildings had been transformed into giant jack-in-the-boxes. Police officers had been changed into giant pink cuddly rabbits. Even the ravens that never left the Tower had been transformed. They had become petrified and lost the ability of flight, falling from the sky like stones.

The Midnight Runner landed a short distance away from the Tower. No sooner had Excalibur disembarked from their preferred mode of transport, then the Midnight Runner transformed into a giant black bird and flew away with an angry squawk.

'Well, we certainly ain't in Kansas no more.' Marrow sniffed as she looked around at the madman's paradise around her. 'Is it me, or is the sky green?'

'And the grass is blue.' Madrox added. 'Man, somebody's been at the wacky tobaccy.'

Brian braced himself, as if he was preparing himself for a fight.

'Wait, do you guys feel that? It's almost like...'

'_Get down!' _Meggan yelled as she dove for cover.

The rest of the team dove for cover just in time to see a giant earthworm burst through the ground.

'What the _hell_ was that?' Guido blinked in astonishment.

'I think that was the two-fifteen from Waterloo.' Forge answered.

'We'd better stop this mess before the entire country ends up in a state.' Meggan told everybody.

'Oh yeah, that's cool.' Marrow shrugged. 'Let's worry about Britain. it's not like the rest of the world matters or anything...'

Meggan just ignored the former Morlock's comments and took off into the air. Perhaps she could get a better look at whoever caused all this mess from the air...

* * *

**The Tower of London-**

Right in the centre of the Tower of London, precisely in the spot where the Crown Jewels were kept, a tall, lanky figure was skipping about excitedly. He had a greasy mullet of jet black hair and a dirty big moustache. The guy was also wearing a pair of boxer shorts with smiley faces on them. He was wearing the Queen's crown atop his head, and twirling her royal sceptre about like a baton.

'Well, this is super-duper fun!' Jamie Braddock, the insane reality-warping older brother of Brian and Betsy, giggled madly. 'But I can't help but think... What's next?'

Jamie snapped his finger as an idea struck him.

'Ooh! I'll get rid of France! It's not like anybody'll miss it. Well, apart from the French. But who cares about them anyway?'

The sceptre in Jamie's hand morphed into a giant pencil with an eraser on the end.

'Off to Frog-Land we go...'

Jamie stopped in his tracks once he heard familiar voices outside.

'Oh, pooh.' Jamie pouted. 'Here comes little bro to spoil all my fun. Just like he always does. I bet he's brought his little band of merry men as well.'

An evil grin started to spread across Jamie's face.

'I guess I'll have to play with them instead. _A-hee-hee-hee..._'

* * *

**Outside-**

Excalibur was having quite a trying time. Nothing was as it seemed in the Tower. Door handles morphed into snakes and slithered away and windows fell off the walls and shattered on the floor. The shards of glass sprouted legs and scuttled away.

Jamie stopped as he saw a neon sign glowing nearby.

'Omigod! Super Fun Happy Slide!'

'No, Jamie.' Megan shook her head. 'We have work to do.'

'Not even one little slide?' Jamie begged.

'No.'

'Nertz.' Jamie's shoulders hung in defeat as he followed the rest of the team.

Brian held up his hand as he reached a corner.

'Wait a minute... Didn't the Crown Jewels used to be housed here?'

'Who knows in the madhouse?' Forge shrugged. 'They could even be in the little girls' room for all we know.'

Brian took a careful peek around the corner. The sight that greeted him was something quite... strange. Three metallic-looking creatures were wearing top hats and monocles. They were sitting at giant toadstools drinking tea.

'What are those things?' Guido asked.

'They're Warwolves.' Meggan explained. 'Mojo originally sent them to hunt down Rachel Summers when she escaped from Mojoworld. The original Excalibur managed to defeat them. They were supposed to be locked up safe and sound in London Zoo, though...'

'Then whoever is behind this mess must have released them.' Amora nodded in understanding.

One of the Warwolves pt down its cup of tea and sniffed the air.

'I say, chaps...' The Warwolf with the top hat alerted his comrades in a cultured English accent. 'It seems that we have uninvited guests.'

'Bally unsporting, what?' The Warwolf sporting the monocle tutted.

'We haven't even finished tea.' The third Warwolf, this one wearing a floral sun hat, shook its head.

'Then I dare say that we must teach these blackguards that interrupting a chap's tea is most unkind.' Top Hat sighed.

'Indubitably.' Monocle agreed.

'Irrefutably.' Sun Hat nodded. 'Dibs on the liver!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Warwolves and Englishmen**

_Will Excalibur be able to defeat the Warwolves? Will they stop Jamie Braddock before the whole planet is turned into a madhouse? Tune in next time to find out..._


	18. Warwolves and Englishmen

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 18: Warwolves and Englishmen**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Recycling is a load of bollocks.'_

* * *

**The Tower of London-**

Excalibur was having quite a strange day. First, the Tower of London had been mysteriously changed into a bouncy castle. Then they had to face some old foes of theirs, the Warwolves.

'Sometimes I regret getting up out of bed.' Jamie Madrox groused as he leapt out of the way of one of the shiny metallic beasts. 'I would have stayed in bed if _somebody_ hadn't snatched away the covers!'

'Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!' Marrow rolled her eyes as she kicked one of the Warwolves in the snout. 'Anyway, you were snoring.'

'I could hear you all the way down in my workshop.' Forge commented as he fended off another Warwolf with a giant mushroom that the beast had been sitting on.

'Don't you _ever_ sleep?' Jamie asked the mutant inventor.

'Sleep is overrated.' Forge shrugged. 'Besides, I do most of my best work when I'm in a sleep-deprived haze.'

'Need I remind you all that we are in serious trouble?' Captain Britain admonished his teammates as he grabbed the third Warwolf by the throat and slammed it against the wall.

'Oh, let the children have their fun, dear.' Meggan commented as she booted one of the Warwolves up the backside. 'You know how these Americans like their mid-battle banter.'

'We are getting nowhere.' Amora groused as one of her magical fireballs bounced harmlessly off a Warwolf's hide. '_Please_ tell me that you have a plan.'

'I got a plan...' Strong Guy offered as he grabbed one of the Warwolves in a headlock. 'How about we beat these things up until they fall down?'

'Oh yeah, great idea, Chunky McNo-Hair.' Marrow snorted as she stabbed one of the Warwolves in the foot with a bone dagger. 'You ever think of submitting your tactical ideas to the British army?'

'Kiss mine, Booby McHack-And-Slash.' Strong Guy retorted as he squeezed the life out of the wriggling Warwolf.

'Brute force did usually work better than magical means whenever we fought the Warwolves back in the day.' Meggan remembered. 'The only trick is to get close enough to the creatures without letting them skin you.'

'Warwolves use their victims' skins as disguises.' Captain Britain told the others. 'Not the most appetising fashion statement, is it?'

'A candidate for _What Not To Wear_, if I ever heard of one.' Marrow commented as she nailed another Warwolf to the floor with a bone dagger.

'It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again.' Jamie joked as he broke off a chair leg.

'Two down, one to go.' Forge quipped as he clubbed the last Warwolf on the head with a broken chair leg.

'Ow! Geez!' The Warwolf clutched its head with a yelp. 'That isn't fair! All we were doing was having tea, and you twits come in and kill us. I thought you were the good guys.'

'Times are a-changing, old bean.' Madrox chipped in as he began to whale on the Warwolf with his own chair leg.

'Ow! Mother! Yowch! My spine! The pain! Oh, the pain! The humanity! Bleed, bleed, bleed...'

'I think you got him.' Marrow sniffed as she poked the beaten Warwolf with the tip of her toe.

_CRACK!_

'What the hell did you do that for, ya idiot?' Marrow yelled at Madrox. 'The poor thing was already dead!'

'Just making sure, is all.' Madrox shrugged as he tossed the broken chair leg over his shoulder. 'And was that compassion I heard in your voice?'

'Compassion?' Marrow snorted in derision. 'From _me?_ **_Ha! _**You gotta be tripping, Madrox!'

'I say that we hurry up and find whoever is behind this insanity.' Meggan told everybody. 'Although, I already have my suspicions...'

'It's Loki, isn't it?' Amora asked. 'This has his foul stench all over it!'

Meggan was about to reply, but a trapdoor opening in the floor prevented her from doing so.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Meggan landed on something warm, yellow, and squishy. The blonde metamorph sniffed her arm and took a taste of the yellow stuff on her arm.

'_Custard?_' Meggan blinked in confusion. 'Now this is just getting silly.'

Meggan picked herself up off the ground and struggled through the custard swamp.

'This place is like something Willy Wonka would dream up after a bad acid trip.' Meggan commented as she poked at a tree made out of red liquorice. 'Or something like the Land of Chocolate off that episode of the Simpsons with the Germans in.'

Meggan trudged on down the marzipan road and stopped in front of a gingerbread house.

'Damn. All these sweets are making me hungry.' Meggan tutted as she poked at one of the stripy red-and-white windowsills. 'I suppose one little bite wouldn't hurt...'

* * *

**Elsewhere again-**

Captain Britain landed on something soft and bouncy.

'Oh, Jamie, you've really outdone yourself this time...' Cap tutted as he wobbled up to his feet upon the rubbery ground.

Cap was sent tumbling back down to the floor as a trio of bright pink seven-foot rabbits came bouncing along, sending ripples coursing through the rubbery ground.

'This is going to be a long day...' Cap grumbled as he crawled along the ground.

'I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important da_-erk!'_

Cap grabbed the White Rabbit by the throat and sneered into its face.

'Please do shut up.'

'I'm late!' The White Rabbit exclaimed, indicating its oversize novelty pocket watch.

'Oh, piss off!' Cap groused as he let go of the White Rabbit and booted it far into the distance.

* * *

**Elsewhere, yet again-**

Marrow was running through the sewers underneath New York. God knows how she got there. Although, the former Morlock doubted that The Almighty had anything to do with all this insanity going down.

Marrow was running from something that haunted her memories. Even though the bone-wielding mutant was barely a child when the Morlock Massacre happened, it still haunted her memories. Marrow thought that she had finally gotten over the pain of losing her parents and her closest friends, but nothing could be farther from the truth.

Marrow stopped running and growled to herself. She had two choices. She could either run away like a little baby, or she could stay and fight. Marrow chose the latter. A satisfied grin spread across the former Morlock's face as bone claws grew from her knuckles.

_SNIKT!_

'C'mon, you sons-of-bitches...' Marrow challenged her pursuers. 'Let's party!'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Forge was carefully trudging through a dense jungle. The mutant inventor stopped in his tracks as he heard voices nearby. American voices. Forge took cover in some of the thick underbrush and peered out as he saw a platoon of soldiers march by.

From the looks of the soldiers' uniforms, Forge could tell what era they dated from. It was an era that Forge thought that he had forgotten long ago.

'Vietnam.' Forge remembered. 'Oh yeah. This is going to be lots of fun.'

Forge may not have looked it, but he served in the US Army during the war in Vietnam. It was there that he lost his right leg and right hand during an airstrike after one of his spells went grievously wrong.

'When this is over, I'm going on holiday.' Forge muttered to himself. 'A nice, long holiday. Perhaps Barbados...'

* * *

**Meanwhile again-**

Amora walked along a long, winding wooden corridor.

'Loki, you have a lot to answer for...' The former Asgardian Enchantress muttered under her breath as she trudged along the corridor. 'When I next see you, I am going to kick your backside so hard that you'll beg for Hela to claim you!'

Amora threw the door open and strode into the room on the other side.

There was a veiled figure sitting on the floor playing with dolls.

'And is this suppose to scare me?' Amora laughed haughtily. 'Some God of Mischief you are, Loki. I'm quaking in my boots.'

'Who said that Loki is the one behind all this?' The little girl smirked knowingly.

'Then _who_ is behind all this?' Amora shot back.

The girl spun around to fix Amora with an evil grin. This was no ordinary girl, however. As a matter of fact, it wasn't a little girl at all. It was a scruffy-haired unshaved man with golden hoop earrings dangling from both ears. It was Jamie Braddock.

'_Boo!_'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Madhouse That Jamie Built**

_Meggan fights an evil witch! Captain Britain versus zombie bunnies! Marrow gets a rematch with the Marauders! Forge turns into Rambo! Amora battles the Cannibal Dollies of Death! Madrox and Strong Guy get captured by damn dirty apes! Tune in next time for more insanity from... Uncanny Excalibur!_


	19. The Madhouse That Jamie Built

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 19: The Madhouse That Jamie Built**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Remember when this place was just flame-throwers and rotating knives? I miss that.'_**- Kitty Pryde (Astonishing X-Men #1)**

* * *

**The Land of Sweets-**

Meggan Braddock sat down on the ground with an exhausted sigh. She had hardly stopped eating since she had landed in the strange place covered with sweets. The gingerbread house that the blonde metamorph had happened upon had huge bite marks all around it.

'Ooh, I'll never eat another sweet thing again.' Meggan groaned as she placed a hand on her stomach. 'That's it. When I get home, I'm going on a diet.'

Meggan barely had enough energy to stand up.

'My house! My beautiful house! What have you done?'

Meggan struggled up to her feet and saw a wizened figure dressed all in black standing in front of her.

'Now, this is just getting silly...' Meggan rolled her eyes.

'Have you any idea how much insurance _costs_ for a place like this?' The old woman yelled angrily. 'You have no idea what it's like! The rates for pest control are _astronomical!'_

'I'd respond, but I think I ate too much gingerbread...' Meggan propped herself up on a candy cane support beam, which promptly collapsed, causing the gingerbread house to collapse in on itself.

The black-clad old women howled in shock.

'Bugger.' Meggan winced as she stepped back. 'Umm... I can fix that. I think. You don't happen to have any icing sugar with you, do you?'

The old woman's eyes began to glow red as she pointed her hands at Meggan.

'You shall pay for ruining my home!' The old woman told her. 'I think I'll turn you into a sugar mouse. No! A _chocolate **frog!'**_

Meggan looked around for something to defend herself with. She was still too engorged with sweets to fly away from the crazy old woman.

Meggan grabbed a nearby concenitently-placed bucket of water and threw it at the old woman.

_'Ahhh!_' The old woman screeched. 'You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! _Meeeeltiiing! _Oh, what a world...'

Meggan just stood there and watched as the old woman fell to her knees and held her head in her hands.

'_Meeeeltiiing..._'

'Christ, you're such a drama queen.' Meggan rolled her eyes as she sauntered off.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Brian had finally managed to find some solid ground amongst the rubbery earth in the area that he had found himself.

The British hero looked around at the wizened branches of the trees around him that seemed to reach out at him like fingers. There were several decrepit tombstones gathered around him. Brian knelt down to examine one.

'Here lie Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail.' **(1) **Brian read the engraving upon the tombstone. 'May God have mercy on those that disturb their rest.'

Brian backed away when he felt the earth shake underneath his feet.

'Oh, bugger.' Brian winced. 'This can't be good.'

Brian's suspicions were proven correct as a decayed rabbit paw burst out from one of the graves, soon to be followed by the rest of the seven-foot zombified bunny.

'Somehow, I don't think I'll be able to fend these things off with a bunch of carrots.' Brian muttered to himself as he looked around for a way to defend himself.

Soon, Mopsy and Cottontail climbed their way out of their graves and joined their putrefied sister. The trio of undead rabbits started to hop towards Brian. It was safe to say that the acquisition of vegetables from Mr McGregor's **(2) **garden was the last thing they wanted.

'Dammit, Jamie!' Brian cursed under his breath. 'I know you liked Beatrix Potter stories when you were a kid, but this is ridiculous.'

The trio of zombie bunnies gnashed their teeth hungrily as they lurched towards Brian. Luckily, there was a rusty old shovel nearby. Brian grabbed the shovel and started to swing it about.

'This feels wrong.' Brian sighed as he decapitated one of the rabbits. 'I'm cutting the heads off my sister's childhood heroes! God, Betsy would go _mental_ if she saw me now. Just like that time I torched her cuddly Peter Rabbit...'

Unfortunately for Brian, having her head cut off didn't harm Cottontail in the least. the headless zombie bunny still made a grab for Brian. Luckily, Brian was ready with his rusty shovel and drove it into Cottontail's chest.

'Oh, yeah. Great work, Brian.' Brian smacked himself on the head. 'That was your only bloody weapon, you idiot!'

Brian then noticed that a flaming torch had been knocked loose in the scuffle. Brian dived through Mopsy's legs and made a grab for the torch.

'Oh, yes. This will do very nicely.' Brian grinned as he shoved the torch into Mopsy's back, setting the zombie bunny aflame. The Englishman winced at the rabbit's screams.

Then it was Flopsy's turn.

Brian waved his torch in the last remaining zombie bunny.

'Back off, Flopsy...' Brian warned her. 'Don't think that I won't use this thing on you...'

Flopsy blew out the torch's flame, leaving Brian once more without a weapon.

'Ah...'

Brian looked around for another weapon, but found nothing. Then, an idea struck him...

'Look, fresh brains!' Brian pointed into the distance. Flopsy spun around to try and get a look at her next meal. That distraction was all Brian needed. The British hero dealt Flopsy a punch to the head. Unfortunately, his hand went straight through the putrefied rabbit's head.

'Oh, _come on!_' Brian groaned in disgust as he struggled to get his hand free. 'That is just sick and wrong!

* * *

**Elsewhere again-**

Forge wasn't having a very good day. He was presently reliving his army career. Being involved in the Vietnam War wasn't one of Forge's happiest moments, as you would imagine.

A pair of Vietnamese soldiers stopped to rest beside a tree. One of the soldiers offered the other a cigarette.

'You know, those things will kill you...'

The two soldiers jumped up straight and went for their guns. They hardly had a chance to fire a shot as Forge leapt from his hiding place within the dense undergrowth and took both soldiers down.

Instead of his usual drab grey jumpsuit, Forge had stripped down to his shorts and had covered himself in mud and muck as a means of camouflage. His jumpsuit would have constricted his motion anyway.

Forge picked up the fallen soldiers' guns and headed on his way.

Forge dove for cover as a burst of gunfire announced the arrival of more Vietnamese soldiers. They had come to investigate the disappearance of their fellows.

Forge reached into his ever-present gadget belt and took out one little device that would subdue his foes. Forge activated the device with a press of a button and threw it in the direction of the soldiers. Screams of pain showed that the device was successful, as the soldiers were electrocuted in their tracks.

Once Forge was sure that his foes were down, he stepped over to check to see whether they had anything that could help him.

'Mmm, plastic explosive.' Forge nodded in appreciation. 'A little out of place for the Vietnam War, but useful non-the-less.'

Forge then made his way onwards, being extra careful not to bump into any more enemy soldiers.

The mutant gadget-maker knelt down beside an abandoned jeep that would have made a great place to stick the plastic explosive.

Forge opened the hood of the jeep and stuck the plastic explosive in the engine. once he had finished, Forge pushed the jeep down a nearby hill, heading towards a conveniently-located enemy camp.

With a simple press of a button, Forge sent the village bursting into flames.

_**KABOOM!!**_

'Your insane brother sure has a weird sense of humour, Brian.' Forge muttered to himself as he headed off on his way again. 'At least I hope it's your insane brother. I am _so_ not in the mood for the Adversary's shenanigans right now...'

* * *

**Elsewhere yet again-**

Amora the Enchantress glowered at Jamie Braddock, the insane older brother of Brian and Betsy Braddock.

'I am starting to wish that Loki _was_ the one behind all of this insanity.' Amora sighed heavily.

'What, don't you like what I've done with the place?' Jamie giggled goofily, waving a hand at the dusty attic-like room that they were standing in. 'I could always change it to something you would be comfortable in...'

With a wave of Jamie's hand, the dusty old attic changed into a Viking banquet hall, complete with burly armoured men drinking and eating themselves into a stupor.

'If you are trying to impress me, it is not working.' Amora glowered. 'You have no idea who I am, do you?'

'Should I?' Jamie scratched his nose with a shrug. 'Oh! I know who you are! You're Thor's bit of fluff!'

'Thor and I are no longer an item.' Amora pointed out.

'If you're single, then perhaps I might interest you?' Jamie waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 'I bet you'd like to play with my Big Ben, huh? Huh?'

Amora lashed out with a nasty slap to Jamie's cheek.

'_Pig!_'

Jamie put a hand to the spot where Amora had just slapped him.

'You... **bitch!'**

The Viking banquet hall changed into a hellish landscape, complete with fiery pits and little demons with pitchforks.

'You have **_no_** idea what you've done.' Jamie growled angrily. 'I could turn you into a snail and stomp you flat, then bring you back to life, and stomp you again!'

'Not on my watch!'

Jamie spun around to see Brian, Meggan, and the rest of Excalibur standing behind him.

'Fun's over, Jamie.' Brian told his older brother. 'Now, why don't you turn the Tower back to normal, and we won't hurt you.'

'Speak for yourself.' Sarah snorted in derision. 'You weren't the one that was made to relive one of their worst memories.'

'Been there, done that.' Forge added nonchalantly.

'C'mon, Jamie...' Meggan chimed in. 'Be a good lad and change everything back to normal.'

'But it isn't fair!' Jamie stamped his foot like a petulant child. 'You _always _spoil my fun!'

'You call _this_ fun?' Brian indicated the hellish landscape. 'What happened to the Jamie Braddock that used to race cars for fun? What happened to the Jamie Braddock that I used to respect?'

'I can still be that Jamie Braddock...' Jamie grinned as his usual thong and earrings changed into his racing gear. 'See?'

'I wish I could believe that, Jamie.' Brian shook his head sadly. 'How do I know that you'll stop messing around with reality? You don't want to destroy the universe, do you?'

'I guess not...' Jamie hung his head sadly, the hellish landscape behind him slowly starting to return to normal. 'I guess it's back to the hospital for me, right?'

'Afraid so.' Brian confirmed. 'I promise I'll visit though.'

'Does that mean that I'll be able to see Betsy at Christmas?' Jamie inquired hopefully.

'I'm afraid that Betsy won't be able to come over for Christmas this year.' Meggan explained solemnly. 'She's in the family way'

'Oh, I see.' Jamie sighed sadly. 'I guess she wouldn't want to see me either, after all the stuff I've done.'

'We'll talk all about it later, Jamie.' Brian patted his brother on the shoulder. 'But first, let's get you back to the hospital.'

Jamie allowed his younger brother to lead him away. several steps behind the pair, Meggan turned to regard Madrox and Guido.

'Where did you two lads get to?' The blonde metamorph blinked.

'Trust me, you _don't _wanna know...' Guido shook his head. 'It wasn't a pretty sight.'

Madrox walked beside his friend in a stupor.

'Apes... So many damn dirty apes...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Captain Cymru**

_Whilst on a trip to Wales, Excalibur encounters the country's very own superhero: Captain Cymru. Where Captain Cymru goes, as must his arch-nemesis, BODOK: Boyo Designed Only for Killing!_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail are the three sisters of Peter Rabbit of the famous Beatrix Potter stories. I once had a rabbit called Mopsy, but she kind of went mental and died._

**(2)- **_Peter Rabbit and his cousin Benjamin often raided Mr McGregor's garden for vegetables in the books._


	20. Captain Cymru: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 20: Captain Cymru- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!'_

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

Meggan and the rest of the members of Excalibur were gathered in Jamie and Sarah's bedroom. The throng of heroes stood around the bed looking down at a supposedly-sick Jamie Madrox. The poor little Multiple Man had been stricken with a case of the dreaded 'man flu'.

Jamie weakly reached out for Sarah.

'Sarah... is that you?' Jamie croaked, his voice barely above a whisper. 'I can't see so good. I think my vision is starting to go.'

'Oh, grow up, Madrox.' The former Morlock pulled her arm away. 'You're not ill. You're faking it.'

'It's nothing more than a simple hangover.' Amora added her two cents, rolling her eyes. 'Although, I'm surprised that you are still alive after everything that you drank.'

Meggan started to count things off on her fingers.

'Two-and-a-half bottles of vodka, two bottles of Scotch, one bottle of champagne, and various shots.' The blonde metamorph remembered.

'But I really am ill...' Jamie whimpered, reaching out for somebody once more 'Guido, my oldest friend... You believe me, don't you?'

Guido just shook his head in shame.

'Due, you're giving man flu a bad name.'

'Guido... come closer...' Jamie beckoned weakly.

Against his common sense, Guido knelt down and cocked his head so he could hear what Jamie was saying. Jamie leant forward to whisper in his friend's ear.

'There is another... Skywalker...'

The Italian-American mutant groaned, hardly believing that he had fallen for such a lame joke.

'You're such a faker, Madrox.' Guido rolled his eyes.

Jamie's body was then wracked with a fit of obviously fake coughs before he whispered one last thing.

'Rosebud...'

Nobody batted an eyelid as the multiplying mutant's form fell limp. Meggan was the first one to break the silence.

'So, you lot wanna see what's on the telly?'

* * *

**Later-**

Jamie had given up pretending to be ill and decided to head on downstairs to see what the others were up to. The dupe-creating mutant walked into the living room and saw that Meggan was in her usual place, sitting in a comfy chair next to the television. Little Betsy was sitting at her mother's feet scribbling in a colouring book. Guido was sitting in another comfy chair while Sarah had bagged herself the sofa and was lying across it with Jess lying across her lap. This surprised Jamie, because Jess was usually trying to grab the goldfish out of their bowl. The black-and-white cat obviously hadn't learnt his lesson after the telling off that he had received from Meggan after he had eaten the previous occupants of the goldfish bowl. Meggan had since bought some new fish to take the place of those that she had lost. She had named these fish Kylie and Jason, after the stars of her favourite Australian soap from the Eighties.

'The walking dead have risen again, I see.' Meggan teased the groggy Madrox.

'Oh, ha, ha.' Jamie grumbled as he shambled across the room. 'Look at me, I'm laughing.'

'You wanna come join us?' Sarah offered, not even sitting up to look at her lover. 'I'd move so you could sit down, but I can't be bothered.'

'And this show's just getting good.' Guido noted. 'I might miss something if I get up.'

'You all suck!' Jamie grumbled as he headed into the kitchen. Amora and Forge were already in there. The blonde sorceress had just taken out some freshly-baked cookies from the oven, while Forge had the pleasure of being the first one to taste them.

'Ah, so the living dead have risen again.' Amora smirked.

'Oh, shut up.' Jamie retorted. 'I've got the king of all headaches and I can't find anything to fix it.'

'Have you tried the medicine cabinet?' Forge suggested.

'The what now?' Jamie blinked blearily.

'You know, that little white cupboard above the sink?' Forge explained, talking slowly as if Jamie has hard of thinking. 'You should find some aspirin nestled in-between the cough medicine and the cotton buds.'

'I knew that.' Jamie mumbled to himself as he trudged towards the aforementioned cabinet.

'Poor Jamie...' Amora shook her head sympathetically. 'He really shouldn't enter a drinking contest with a denizen of Asgard.'

'You're just showing off.' Forge chuckled. 'A beautiful woman that can cast spells, cook, and drink most men under the table.'

'Oh, stop it...' Amora waved Forge away. She then grinned at her Cheyenne companion. 'On second thought, carry on. I never tire of hearing how great I am.'

* * *

**Meanwhile, somewhere in Wales-**

Somewhere, in the fair city of Cardiff, there was a battle going on for the safety of the British Isles. It seemed that Advanced idea Mechanics were up to their own tricks and had set up shop in Wales. It wasn't as if Wales had its own superhero, was it? Oh, how wrong they were...

'I'm not going to let you set off that missile, BODOK!' A woman clad in a green-and-white uniform with an emblem of a red dragon on the chest, Wale's own Captain Cymru, told her opponent. Today's opponent was BODOK, otherwise known as the Boyo Designed Only for Killing. Apparently, the people at AIM had a warped sense of humour. BODOK looked exactly like the more familiar MODOK, but he spoke with a Welsh accent.

'Bah! This is no ordinary missile, woman!' BODOK laughed manically. 'In two minutes, my latest invention will spread a deadly nano-virus all over this misbegotten city!'

Captain Cymru tossed her long raven locks over her shoulder and brushed some dust over the red dragon emblazoned on her uniform. She scowled at her foe. Nobody, but _nobody_ called Cardiff misbegotten!

'You picked the wrong city to pick on!' Captain Cymru pointed an accusatory finger towards her foe. 'You won't leave this building in one piece, boyo!'

'You are welcome to stop me.' BODOK laughed. 'But then, what would happen to the missile that is about to launch? What are you going to do now, Captain Cymru? Will you fight the villain, or will you attempt to disable the missile that is threatening to destroy your beloved city?'

Captain Cymru snarled in anger. There was no other choice. She had to make an attempt to disable the missile before it shed its payload.

With a burst of magically-endowed agility, Captain Cymru leapt onto the side of the missile just as it had started to blast off. Luckily, the fair Captain's super-strength allowed her to keep hold of the missile during its flight.

'Why does this always happen to me on a Tuesday?' Captain Cymru muttered under her breath as she punched a hole in the side of the missile. 'Tuesdays are supposed to be _boring!'_

Captain Cymru tried to get a hold on the nose of the missile, where the vials of the nano-virus were being held. Now, if she could just remove those vials, then the missile would explode harmlessly in the sky.

* * *

**Back down on the ground-**

Many metres down below on the ground, curious onlookers and several members of the law enforcement community and army looked up and gasped in shock as the missile that Captain Cymru had been riding exploded high above their heads.

'Did she... did she do it?' One startled onlooker asked. 'Did she stop the missile?'

'Look! Up in the sky!' One of the police officers pointed upwards. 'There's something falling down to the ground!' He squinted in an attempt to get a better look. 'Oh my God! It's Captain Cymru! Everybody get out of the way!'

Everybody did as they were told and ran out of the way as Captain Cymru fell to the earth, the impact of her hitting the ground creating a large crater in the road.

Slowly, people began to walk up to check on the fallen hero.

'Is she... dead?' One person blinked.

'No... just a little singed.' Captain Cymru groaned as she stumbled out of the crater. 'Ow. That's the last time I go riding on a missile.'

'What about the nano-virus that BODOK was going to release?' One of the soldiers reminded the Welsh heroine. 'Where is it?'

'Got the vials right here, safe and sound.' Captain Cymru explained, patting her utility belt. 'I managed to stow them away before the missile exploded. God bless mystical force fields, huh?'

Thanks to the efforts of Captain Cymru, the people of Cardiff could rest easy. The city was safe once more.

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Captain Cymru- Part 2**

_Excalibur teams up with Captain Cymru to track down BODOK._


	21. Captain Cymru: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 21: Captain Cymru- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Captain Cymru is mine._

* * *

**Cardiff-**

In the outskirts of the Welsh capital, cars pulled up outside a swanky-looking mansion and several well-dressed people disembarked from their vehicle's, moving into the mansion. The mansion belonged to Gwen Hughes, a local millionaire. Gwen has holding a charity ball, and anybody who was anybody was there. Entrance was by invitation only, so there was no chance of Z-List celebrities trying to weasel there way into the party. Gwen had learned since the last time she held a big party. The so-called 'stars' of Big Brother and various other lame reality TV shows were banned from the building. Only people who were actually talented were allowed inside. It was a pity that Sir Tom couldn't make it, though...

One stretch limousine pulled up outside the mansion. The limo contained the members of Excalibur. Gwen Hughes was an old friend of Brian's from his college days. Meggan hoped that her husband wasn't too close to this Gwen woman, or she'd have to kick her head in.

Guido let out an impressed whistle as he looked up at the mansion.

'Yowzer. You got some friends in high places, Brian.' The former bouncer nodded in appreciation, adjusting his bowtie. 'Say, I don't suppose you'd be able to get me an audience with Kylie Minogue, would ya?'

'I doubt you'd get on very well with her, Guido...' Forge pointed out. 'You might accidentally sit on her and break her in half.'

'I have seen the exhibition in the Victoria and Albert Museum...' Amora chipped in. 'Her clothes are so small, you'd think that a doll wore them. Not that she often wore many clothes in her music videos...'

Jamie just smiled as he remembered all of the clothes in the exhibition. There was that white hooded garment that had a plunging neckline right down to her navel, and that infamous pair of gold hot pants that, believe it or not, were purchased from a charity shop.

'Uh-oh. Jamie's gone into drool mode...' Guido winced. 'We'd better get him inside before he dehydrates.' Amore noticed that Sarah was glaring at the man known as Multiple.

'Yes. That, or Sarah decides to tear him in half.'

* * *

**Inside-**

The group made their way into the mansion and headed for the main ballroom, where the party was being held.

'Hunh. Look at all the pretties.' Sarah snorted, somewhat bitterly. 'You'd be able to buy a small country with all the money that they spent on plastic surgery.'

'Odd's blood!' Amora spluttered as she recognised somebody. 'Did you just see who walked past? it was Doctor Who!'

'Which one?' Forge blinked. 'There's been ten of them. It can't be any of the first three, because they're dead.'

'It was the newest one.' Amora told the mutant inventor. 'And he was wearing a kilt! I wonder if it's true about what people say about Scotsmen and their kilts...?'

'It's a bit windy outside, so we might just get a chance to see.' Meggan chuckled. 'Mmm, he does look handsome in his kilt. Pity he's spoken for.'

_'Ahem!_' Brian forcibly cleared his throat. Meggan just smiled back sweetly at her husband.

'I love you too, sweetie.'

'Aww, this just warms the cockles of me heart, it does.' An all-too familiar voice piped up. Brian frowned at the sound of the voice.

'Hello, Wisdom.' Brian tried to force a smile in the direction of the former spy. 'What brings you here?'

'Got an invite, guv.' Wisdom replied as he held up a crumpled piece of paper. 'I know the lady of the manor.'

'Know her socially, or know the inside of her underwear?' Meggan quipped.

'It's just a social call, luv.' Wisdom reassured the blonde empath. 'With a little bit of business on the side.'

'Wait...' Forge blinked. 'Shouldn't you be back in Westchester with the rest of the X-Men?'

'Just doing my bit for Queen and country, mate.' Wisdom explained. 'Besides, all that spandex gubbins weren't for me. Just give me a crumpled suit any day.'

'Speaking of which...' Jamie frowned, indicating Wisdom's crumpled black suit. 'What's up with that? Did you sleep in your clothes, or something?'

'MI-13 frowns upon sleep.' Wisdom quipped.

'MI-What now?' Sarah blinked.

'Part of the British Secret Service.' Brian told the former Morlock. 'They deal with metahuman activities.'

'We're like Torchwood...' Wisdom chimed in. 'Except we're not crap.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Once the group had made their way into the main ballroom, they split up and mingled amongst the group. Sarah headed straight for the buffet table. The former Morlock was looking over the selection of food on offer.

'Wow, look at you! you have to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!'

Sarah was in the process of eating a sausage roll when somebody started gushing over her.

'Whuzzah?' Sarah mumbled, her mouth still full.

'Your skin... Those bones... They look _spectacular!_' Sarah's admirer, a red-haired man with thick black-rimmed glasses and wonky teeth, gushed. '_Please _tell me that you haven't got a contract with anybody...'

Sarah could hardly believe her ears. Was this flatscan tripping? He didn't really want her to model for him, did he?

'I ain't a model, bub.' Sarah waved him off. 'Now, get lost before I lose my temper.'

'Don't say no just yet, lovely...' The red-haired guy smiled as he pushed a card into Sarah's hand. 'My number's on the card. Think about my offer and give me a call, would you?'

Sarah just gazed at the card in her hand.

'Neil Richards...' Sarah read the name off the card. 'Fashion photographer extraordinaire. Pff. Whatever.' The former Morlock scrunched up the card in her hand and shoved it in her purse.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Unfortunately, Brian and Meggan hadn't been able to rid themselves of Pete Wisdom. The crumpled Brit had stuck to them like ugly on a rhino.

'Is there something that you wanted, Wisdom?' Brian let out an exasperated sigh. 'Or do you just plan on following us around like a little lost puppy?'

'Haven't you been listening?' Wisdom groaned. 'I've been trying to trying to explain my proposal to you.'

'No, you can't sleep with me for a million pounds.' Meggan frowned. 'Now, either say what you came to say, or bugger off.' The former Black Air spy just rolled his eyes.

'The PM's been getting all antsy about the spandex set...' Wisdom explained. 'It's his last year in office, and he wants to make it count.'

'Well, he has done such a stellar job already.' Meggan snorted bitterly. 'What's that got to do with us?'

'I'm your new government liaison, luv.' Wisdom smirked. 'Starting as of now.'

'Not interested.' Brian sniffed as he turned his back and walked away. Meggan followed close behind.

'Oh, bloody hell...' Wisdom sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. 'It's times that these that makes me wish that I hadn't packed in smoking...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Captain Cymru- Part 3**

_Brian introduces the team to his old friend, who may just be a certain Welsh flag-wearing superhero._


	22. Captain Cymru: Part 3

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 22: Captain Cymru- Part 3**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Captain Cymru is mine._

* * *

**Cardiff-**

The members of Excalibur were still at Gwen Hughes's party. Gwen was an old friend of Brian's. She was holding a charity ball and Excalibur had been invited along. Unfortunately, one of the guests was somebody that Brian and Meggan would have preferred to have been without. Pete Wisdom, former Excalibur member and the team's self-appointed government liaison, wouldn't leave the pair alone.

'For crying out loud, Wisdom…' Brian hissed through gritted teeth. 'Don't you have something better to do than annoy us?'

'Annoying you lot is one of the only pleasures I get outta life nowadays, guv.' Wisdom shrugged as he shoveled some shrimp puffs in his mouth. 'Well, that and these shrimp puffs. It can't be legal to make things this tasty. Things that taste this good are usually bad for ya.'

'Well, that's just lovely.' Meggan smiled falsely. 'Is there anything else you'd like to say, or do you plan on following us around like a little lost puppy?'

'Just doing my job, ducks.' Wisdom wiped his mouth with his sleeve. 'I'm yer government liaison, and I can't let you out of my sight.'

'What sort of higher power did we piss of to deserve this?' Brian pinched the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh.

'I've been asking myself that very same question…' A friendly Welsh-accented voice piped up from behind Brian. The blond hero turned to see a beautiful black-haired woman with black wire-rimmed glasses smiling at him. She was wearing a green designer dress and aroudnher wrists were two golden bracelets that had dragons ornately carved on them.

'Hello Brian, been a long time.' Gwen Hughes smiled.

'It's been _too_ long, Gwen…' Brian responded as he gave Gwen a friendly peck on the cheek. 'I'm sorry we haven't been around sooner.'

'Ah, that's fine.' Gwen waved it off. 'I know how busy it is with all that superhero business.'

'You mean to say that you know about Brian being Captain Britain?' Meggan chipped in.

'Well, yeah.' Gwen nodded. 'We used to have the occasional team-up.'

'That had better not be a euphemism…' Meggan gave the Welshwoman a warning glare.

'You'll have to excuse my wife…' Brian smiled apologetically. 'She does get ever so protective of me sometimes.'

'I'm not jealous.' Meggan poked her husband in the ribs.

'I never said you were, dear.' Brian pointed out.

'Oh…' Meggan blinked in surprise. 'Uh… good.'

Gwen decided to change the subject before any punches were thrown.

'Why don't I show you guys around, hmm?' She suggested. 'You might want to gather up the rest of your team, they might want to see some of the stuff I've got to show.'

* * *

**Later-**

Brian and Meggan had gathered the rest of the team together and had followed Gwen onwards. The Welshwoman led them into the library and walked over to one of the bookshelves.

'Now, before I show you anything, I want to make sure that you won't go blabbing all of my secrets.' Gwen said.

'Ooh, secrets?' Jamie grinned eagerly. 'What sort of secrets are we talking about here? Dark, shameful secrets? Ooh! Ooh! You've got a body buried under the patio, haven't you?'

'She will have if you don't shut up, Madrox…' Sarah warned him.

'What?' Jamie asked innocently. 'What did I do?'

'Dude, I'd shut up while you still can, if I were you.' Guido rolled his eyes. Jeez, you really are clueless, ain't ya?'

'Perhaps you'd better stay behind, Jamie…' Forge suggested. 'Sarah will be less tempted to do something that you'd regret then.'

'Am I the only one that thinks it's a bad thing that my girlfriend's always threatening me with bodily harm?' Jamie grumbled to himself.

'She only does it because she loves you.' Amora told her friend. 'Have you never heard of the phrase, cruel to be kind?'

'If that's true, then how come you're never mean to Forge?' Jamie shot back. 'Oh, wait. You are. I've seen the handcuffs.'

'That's a different kind of thing…' Forge answered quickly. 'And it isn't like you and Sarah haven't done anything like that.'

'Oh, yeah…' Jamie rolled his eyes. 'Every night Sarah and I play Mistress of Pain. Pff. Whatever.'

Wisdom just shook his head at all of the in-team bickering.

'Oh, this kind of stuff makes me miss the old days.' Wisdom sighed sarcastically. 'Minus me getting beaten up by dumb metal-covered Russians.'

Gwen then pulled a book from one of the shelves and one of the library's walls opened up to reveal a secret passage leading downwards.

'Watch your step…' Gwen warned everybody. 'We don't want somebody falling and breaking something.'

* * *

**Downstairs-**

Brian, Meggan and co gasped in amazement as they walked into a huge cave right underneath Gwen's mansion.

'Holy crap!' Jamie gawped. 'You've got a Bat-Cave! Wait… you're not Batman, are you?'

'Don't be daft.' Gwen laughed. 'But then again, I'm not just a jobless millionaire mooching off her inheritance, boyo…'

Gwen raised her arms over her head, clanging her two bracelets together.

'By the power of Greyscale…!' Gwen yelled as she immediately burst into flames.

'What the hell…?' Sarah blinked in shock and surprise. 'We came all the way down here just to see some chick set herself on fire? What's up with that?'

'Just wait and watch…' Brian told the former Morlock. 'I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.'

Once the smoke had cleared, everybody could see that somebody else had taken Gwen's place. That somebody was a raven-haired woman wearing a green-and-white uniform with a red dragon on the chest.

'Oh, I get it…' Forge nodded in understanding. 'Those bracelets of yours give you your power. When you tap them together, they conjure your magic armour.'

'Heh. Powers from bracelets. This reminds me of Rick Jones and Captain Mar-Vell.' Amora remarked. 'Or Wonder Woman.'

'Pretty much.' Gwen nodded. 'Now, as I was saying, I'm not just normal old Gwen Hughes, I'm Wales's very own superhero: Captain Cymru!'

'Captain What-now?' Guido blinked in confusion.

'Captain Wales.' Meggan translated for her friend. 'Cymru is Welsh for Wales.'

'I can sense that your bracelets are magical in origin.' Amora stated. 'How did you come to possess them?'

'I rescued a dragon.' Gwen answered simply.

'But... dragons don't _really _exist, do they?' A confused Forge scratched his head.

'That's what they want you to think.' Wisdom piped up. 'There are dragons living all over Britain. Well, most of 'em live in Wales. They decided to hide out there once people started to hunt 'em. And you know the Loch Ness Monster, that's a dragon too. Well, actually she's a water dragon. Distant relative of the fire-breathing type of dragons.'

'That would explain why the Welsh flag has a dragon on it.' Amora nodded.

'The dragon that I saved from a marauding band of trolls so happened to be the one that was allegedly slain by Saint George.' Gwen continued. 'It seemed that he didn't do a very good job of making sure that Greyscale was dead.'

'Dragons? Trolls?' Sarah shook her head. 'This is getting to be like Dungeons or Dragons, or something.'

'Oh, that isn't the best part…' Brian laughed. 'Gwen and I first met when we had to team up to fight an ogre that was eating homeless people in the London Underground.'

'And then there was that time when a that farmer dug up the remains of the Lambton Worm.' Gwen chuckled. 'The bloody creature reformed itself and ate the poor guy. It would have trashed Durham if he hadn't stopped it. Christ, that was messy. We had to cut the thing up into tiny pieces before it could reform again.'

'Then there was the manticore in Manchester.' Brian remembered. 'That was a painful job. I was still picking poison barbs out of my backside for weeks after that.'

'Don't forget that time when that bunyip escaped into the grounds of Crystal Palace.' Gwen reminded him. 'The poor little sod had been captured in Australia and had been brought over to take part in an exhibition of mythical creatures. It only wanted to go home.'

'Fortunately, we managed to capture the poor thing before anybody was hurt.' Brian remembered.

'Well, apart from the guy that captured it.' Gwen corrected him. 'The bunyip dragged him into the lake where he drowned. Serves him right too.'

'Oh, you wacky Brits and your made up monsters.' Jamie laughed. 'As if there's such a thing as a giant worm that eats people!'

The multiple-making mutant turned around to see a monstrous face snarling at him.

'Ahhh! It's the Lambton Worm!' Jamie screamed girlishly. 'Take it away! Kill it! _**KILL IT!!'**_

'Jamie, it's just a model of its head…' Meggan pointed out, tapping the model Lambton Worm head. Jamie just laughed nervously.

'A-heh-heh. I knew that…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Moving On Up**

_Excalibur moves into its new headquarters._


	23. Moving On Up

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 23: Moving On Up**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Braddock Manor-**

_**BLLE-BLEE-BLEE-BLEE!!**_

Brian and Meggan Braddock leapt up out of bed at the sound of the alarm. This was no ordinary alarm to wake them up in the morning, however. This was the alarm that sounded whenever there was an intruder on the premises.

Meggan didn't even bother to change out of her nightwear as she flew straight out of her room and headed down the stairs to see who was foolish enough to try and break in to her home.

The bnlonde woman flew right out of the back door into the garden. The empathic metamorph stopped in her tracks once she saw who had sprung the alarm. It was Pete Wisdom, Excalibur's new, and unwanted, government liaison. The British mutant was holding a stop watch in his hand.

'What the bloody hell are you doing, Wisdom?' Meggan demanded to know.

'Just wait until everybody else gets here, luv.' Wisdom told her. 'Then I'll explain everything. I just hope that they don't take their sweet time gettin' out here. This stopwatch doesn't go any higher than ten minutes.'

Thankfully, it didn't take Brian and the other members of Excalibur to appear. Brian was the first to appear in his Captain Britain armour. He was holding Little Betsy close to his side in an attempt to protect his daughter from whatever threat they were about to face. Next was Amora and Forge, who were magically teleported out into the garden by one of the Enchantress's spells. Then finally came Jamie, Guido, and Sarah.

Wisdom stopped his stopwatch with a disappointed sigh.

'Well, that was a waste of time.' Wisdom sighed heavily as he put his stopwatch back in his pocket. 'You were slower than Slowy McSlow, the slowest person in Slowtown, New Slowshire.'

'Are you gonna to tell us why you dragged us all out of bed, or will we have to beat it out of you?' Sarah growled as she unsheathed a bone knife from her wrist and pointed it in Wisdom's direction. 'Please tell me that we can beat you up, cuz I get cranky when people wake me up early. I've got a lot of pent-up aggression.'

'Don' wanna go today…' Jamie mumbled sleepily as he leant on Guido's arm.

Wisdom ignored everybody's comments and continued to admonish them.

'Just imagine what would have happened if some super-villain tried to gain entry.' Wisdom pointed out. 'He woulda killed you all in your beds by now.'

'Oh, go away, you infuriating mortal.' Amora groused. 'Before I turn you into a mouse and feed you to the cat.'

Everybody turned to go back to bed, leaving Wisdom alone.

'Oi! You can't walk away!' Wisdom called after the team. 'We've got to go see the new headquarters!'

Meggan and the others simply ignored the dark-haired mutant and headed back inside. The British ex-spy reached into his pocket in an attempt to find a cigarette, but he had run out.

'Oh, bloody hell.' Wisdom grumbled as he headed inside after the others. 'I guess I'll have to bum a cig off somebody on the way there.'

* * *

**The skies above the River Thames-**

Fortunately for Wisdom, Meggan and the other members of Excalibur had pulled themselves together and had started to pack for their big move. Luckily, there wasn't much to move anyway. Most of their possessions were already boxed up and ready to go.

The team were sitting onboard the Midnight Runner, their equivalent of the X-Men's Blackbird jet, as it carried them high above the skies over the River Thames. Little Betsy carefully held on to Jess's cat box as she looked out of a view port. The black-and-white cat was snoozing away pacefully, totally unaware of what was going on.

'Where are we going?' The little girl asked. 'Why do we have to move? Is there something wrong with our old house? Is there ghosts? Have we got mice?'

Meggan smiled at her daughter's childish curiosity.

'We're going to see where our new headquarters are, sweetie.' Meggan told her daughter. 'There's nothing wrong with our old house. It isn't haunted, and it doesn't have mice.'

'Cuz Jess woulda eaten 'em.' Betsy smiled proudly as she readjusted her grip on the cat box.

'You don't have to keep hold of Jess all the way.' Meggan pointed out, indicating the black-and-white cat curled up inside the cat box. 'I'm sure he'd like to have a seat of his own.'

'But what if he falls over and hurts himself?' Betsy countered. 'That would be mean.'

'Then put a seatbelt around him.' Meggan suggested. 'He'll be nice and safe then, won't he?'

'Yes, mum.' Betsy nodded in understanding as she put Jess's cat box in the vacant seat beside her and carefully put a seatbelt around it. 'There. All better.' Jess didn't even stir.

A short distance away, Forge was occupying his time by tinkering with a little gadget of some sort. Amora leant over to take a look.

'What is that you have there, beloved?' The Asgardian Enchantress asked. 'Is it a new gadget you have invented?'

'No, it's a watch.' The Cheyenne mutant told her as he held it up.

'Is it like one of those watches from the James Bond movies?' Amora asked excitedly. 'Does it contain poison darts or a super-magnet?'

'No, it's just a watch.' Forge shook his head. 'It tells the time.'

'But no miniature radio or taser beam?' Amora blinked.

'Brian asked me to fix his watch.' Forge explained as he held it up to his ear to try and see if he could hear it working. 'That's all.'

'You used to be fun.' Amora tutted as she sat back down and crossed her arms. 'Why do you never make interesting inventions any more?'

'Don't you like that holographic emitter that I made you last month?' Forge asked. 'It has much better image quality than a television. It's in 3D too.' The blonde-haired Asgardian blushed in embarrassment.

'I broke it.' Amora explained sheepishly. 'I grew infuriated at the endless repeats of Big Brother, so I incinerated it with a fireball. Not the smartest thing I have ever done, I know.'

'I knew I should have made it fire-proof…' Forge sighed heavily as he went back to tinkering with Brian's watch.

* * *

**A little while later-**

It didn't take very long for the Midnight Runner to take Excalibur to their new headquarters. The building that would be their home for the foreseeable future was a seemingly decrepit warehouse on the outside, but when they ventured inside, they saw the building for what it really was.

'Wow…' Meggan breathed in awe as she looked around at all of the glass and shiny chrome around her. 'This place is like Torchwood. But less gratuitous gayness.'

'I take it that you approve then?' Wisdom responded.

'Maybe…' Meggan shrugged nonchalantly. 'It would have to do quite a bit to compete with the plasma telly back home.'

'Then perhaps you'd better have a look in the common room, then.' Wisdom told her, a smirk on his face.

Her interest piqued, Meggan headed off in the direction that Wisdom indicated.

'_**Yiiiiiii!!**_'

Brian and the others ran down the corridor as fast as they could when they heard Meggan's scream emanating from the common room. They expected to see her being set upon by some random villains, but that was not the case. Meggan was jumping up and down excitedly like a child at Christmas.

The blonde metamorph flew over to Brian and hugged him tight.

'Omigod! I-can't-believe-that-we've-got-a-wall-of-televisions!' Meggan squealed excitedly. 'This-is-the-greatest-place-_**EVER!**_'

Guido gave Wisdom a congratulatory slap on the back, making the significantly shorter Brit stumble forward.

'I'd say that you got yourself a sale, buddy.' The former bouncer grinned. 'Now, let me ask you another question... Have you got any Grey Poupon?' Jamie burst out laughing at that.

'Oh, Guido...' The mutant known as Madrox giggled. 'You so crayzeh!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: One Shall Join, One Shall Leave**

_Just when it seems that Excalibur has settled in to their new headquarters, one of the team leaves. Meanwhile, and old ex of Jamie's joins up._


	24. One Shall Join, One Shall Leave

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 14: One Shall Join, One Shall Leave**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**The Lake House, Excalibur's new headquarters by the Thames-**

It was a typically grey morning at the new headquarters of Britain's very own superhero team. Several members of the team were gathered in the kitchen having just finished breakfast. Brian Braddock had finished his usual bacon and eggs and washing them down with a nice cup of tea while he read the morning paper. Meggan, Brian's wife, was mopping up some baked bean juice on her plate with a slice of bread. Betsy, Brian and Meggan's daughter, was rifling through a cereal box, trying to find the free gift within.

'Mummy, this cereal is all wrong!' The blonde-haired pixie-eared young girl frowned as she stuck out her tongue in concentration. 'There isn't a free toy inside.'

'I think Jamie took it.' Meggan told her daughter.

'But I wanted it!' Betsy pouted. 'It's _my_ cereal, so it's _my_ toy!'

'Sweetie, you have to share.' Brian told his daughter as he put down his newspaper. 'You don't want people to think that you're a big meanie, do you?'

'No…' Betsy sulked.

'I know what will cheer you up, little one…' The former Asgardian Enchantress known as Amora smiled. 'Why do we not go into town and buy some new clothes? Would you like that?'

'I want my toy…' Betsy grumbled, crossing her arms.

'I think Jamie had better give Betsy the free gift.' The Cheyenne mutant inventor known as Forge chipped in. 'We don't want Betsy to have another hissy-fit.'

'Where is Jamie, anyway?' Meggan frowned thoughtfully. 'He's never late for breakfast.'

'I guess he's got a hangover again.' The former bodyguard known as Guido Carosella shrugged. 'The guy could never hold his liquor.'

'Well, he almost managed to finish off half a case of vodka.' The former Morlock known only as Sarah sniffed. 'That would be enough to knock anybody out.'

'Speak for yourself, Sarah…' Meggan chuckled slightly. 'You were pretty much half-cut yourself.'

'Hey, at least I can handle my booze!' Sarah shot back. 'Anyway, shouldn't Wisdom be here to spoil the mood? He usually drops in during breakfast with a progress report or some stupid crap.'

Sure enough, Excalibur's unwanted government liaison soon walked into the kitchen with a newspaper held under his arm. The English mutant didn't look best pleased.

'Did you lot see today's headline in The Sun?' The ex-spy asked as he held up the newspaper for the others to see.

'Wisdom, you know that I don't read tabloid rubbish like that.' Brian rolled his eyes. 'I'm more of a Daily Express man, myself.'

Meggan frowned as she read the headline reading '_Superhero Team Harbours Wanted Killer.' _The article was accompanied by a picture of Sarah as she looked in her Gene Nation days.

'Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry…' Meggan shook her head sadly. 'We'll have to do something about this right away. Brian, get the phone. I'm going to call our lawyer.' Brian nodded and got up.

'I guess it was only a matter of time before somebody found out.' Sarah sighed heavily. 'I knew those tabloid scumbags were after something after I saw them snooping around outside the other day.'

'We can get over this, right?' Guido asked. 'Sarah did get a pardon, after all. Right, Wisdom?'

'From the Prime Minister himself.' Wisdom confirmed. 'But that means nothing now that we've got a new PM. This one's got a mad-on for mutants.'

'So, what are we going to do?' Amora rubbed her chin. 'Do you want me to transport myself over to Downing Street and turn him into a mouse?'

'No, that would only cause suspicion.' Brian shook his head.

'How do we even know that the story is about Sarah?' Forge enquired. 'Almost everybody in this team has killed somebody before. I used to be a soldier in Vietnam.'

'The less said about my past, the better.' Amora chipped in.

'The same goes for all that stuff I did for Black Air.' Wisdom nodded.

'Brian and I have also killed.' Meggan joined the conversation. 'He killed Slaymaster for blinding Betsy Senior, and I dropped a car on that evil Captain Britain woman.'

'Well, Madrox and I ain't never killed nobody.' Guido offered lamely. 'Geez, I'm startin' to feel left out.'

'I guess there's only one thing I have to do…' Sarah frowned. 'I'll have to leave the team until all the fuss dies down.'

'Sarah, forget about what the papers say…' Meggan told her friend, putting a sympathetic hand on the ex-Morlock's shoulder. 'They'll soon lose interest once something else comes up. Remember all that business when people were saying that Daredevil was that blind lawyer? It was plastered all over the front pages. Now, none of the papers even care about that.'

'I'm sorry, Meg, but my mind's made up.' Sarah shook her head. 'I don't want to get you guys in any more trouble than I already have.'

* * *

**A few hours later-**

Sarah had packed her things and had gone off to stay with the X-Men for a while **(1)**. Brian had taken her over to Westchester in the Midnight Runner. It would have meant less press intrusion that way.

Jamie Madrox was sitting in a comfy chair in front of the television. The man known as Multiple wasn't really paying attention to what was on the screen. He was brooding about the fact that Sarah had left him. Sure, she hadn't explicitly stated that they had broken up, but Jamie knew what was really going on.

Little Betsy toddled into the room carrying her special teddy bear dressed like her Uncle Wade. **(2) **

'Unca' Jamie, mummy said you were sad.' The little blonde girl said. 'So I thought that you might like to give Teddy Wade a cuddle. Giving Teddy Wade a cuddle always makes me feel happy when I'm sad.'

The merest fragment of a smile appeared on Jamie's face. Even the most cold-hearted person couldn't help but sheer up when Little Betsy walked into the room.

'You keep Teddy Wade, poppet.' Jamie smiled. 'You wanna go downstairs? I think your daddy should be home by now.'

'Okay!' Betsy grinned. 'Mummy said that he's bringing somebody back with him. She didn't say who.'

Jamie's curiosity was piqued. Just who had Brian brought back to take Sarah's place?

* * *

**The Midnight Runner Hangar Bay-**

Several floors below the living areas of the Lake House was the hangar where Excalibur's very own hi-tech jet was kept. The Midnight Runner had been part of the team ever since Kitty Pryde and Nightcrawler had been members. Of course, the jet had been given many upgrades since then.

Jamie and Little Betsy stood with the others as the Midnight Runner came in to land. A door opened in the jet's side and Brian stepped out. The clone-maker's breath caught in his throat as he saw who Brian had brought with him.

'_Terry?_'

'Face it, Madrox…' The Irish mutant known as Siryn grinned. 'You just hit the jackpot!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: She Knows Stuff**

_Nanny and the Orphan Maker are back! This time they have kidnapped orphans with metahuman powers. Also: Excalibur gains one more member._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_For more on Sarah's departure, chekc out 'The Uncanny XSE'._

**(2)- **_Deadpool is Little Betsy's father-in-law. He's married to Betsy Senior._


	25. She Knows Stuff: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur **

**Chapter 25: She Knows Stuff- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Squadron Forty! __**DIIIIIVE**_'**- Prince Vultan (Flash Gordon)**

* * *

**The Lake House-**

Jamie Madrox stumbled in the direction of the kitchen of the Lake House, Excalibur's headquarters on the banks of the River Thames. The man known as the Multiple Man had been drinking heavily, as he could tell by his splitting headache. It felt like Galactus was tap-dancing on his brain.

'Ohhhh, my aching head...' Jamie groaned.

'Jamie! I was wonderin' where ye'd gotten to!'

Jamie turned around to see Theresa Cassidy strolling towards him with a great big grin on her face. Much to Jamie's surprise, the giggling Irish redhead wrapped her arms around his shoulders and planted a great big kiss on his lips.

'Jamie, what's wrong?' A concerned and slightly puzzled Terry asked once she noticed that Jamie hadn't returned her kiss. 'Did I do something wrong last night?'

'Last night…?' Jamie blinked in confusion. 'Uh…'

'Don't tell me that ye've already forgotten.' Terry sighed. 'We spent last night together.'

Jamie's eyes widened in surprise. Had he just heard her right? Did he really have a night time liaison with the redhead?

'Any way, I'm going tae have a shower.' Terry smiled as she pinched Jamie's backside. 'Yuir welcome tae join me…'

Jamie just stood there dumbstruck. His wind was awhirl. He really didn't remember getting up to anything with Terry the night before. He didn't get _that_ drunk, did he?

Once Terry had disappeared into the ladies' showers, Jamie continued onwards to the kitchen. Perhaps some coffee could clear his head.

'Man, what a night…' An eerily familiar voice groaned. The voice made Jamie stop in his tracks. The clone-maker slowly turned around to see somebody that looked suspiciously like him walk out of the men's showers.

'Uh-oh.' The Dupe grimaced. 'Awkward.'

'Oh, hell.' Jamie groaned into his hands. 'It's too early for me to process stuff like this. Just… tell me what went on between me, uh… you and Terry.'

'What do you think went on between us?' The dressing gown-clad Dupe snickered. 'We did a little dance, made a little love. We pretty much got down last night.'

'Okay, I think I've heard enough.' Jamie sighed as he reached out to reabsorb his wayward Dupe. 'That's enough out of you.'

* * *

**A little later-**

All of the members of Excalibur were gathered in the kitchen. It was time for Pete Wisdom to give them their morning briefing as well. The former spy had a nasty habit of interrupting the most important meal of the day with news of another bad guy causing a ruckus, but a stern 'talking to' from Brian and Meggan convinced the English mutant to change that particular habit.

'At least you had the decency to wait until I'd finished my morning tea, Wisdom.' Brian Braddock stated as he folded up his newspaper and placed it beside his empty mug.

'Everybody knows that it isn't proper to interrupt a gent's tea, me old mate.' Wisdom answered as he stirred some sugar into his own mug. 'Now, are we all ready to get down to business?'

A wave of general acceptance came from the gathered heroes. They were eager to get the briefing finished as soon as possible, then they could carry on with whatever it was they had planned.

'Now, it seems that some old friends of hours have decided to rear their ugly heads.' Wisdom explained.

'Who is it this time?' Meggan asked. 'It isn't the Crazy Gang or somebody stupid like that, is it?'

'Gee, you guys have all the coolest villains.' Guido snickered. Wisdom just ignored that and dropped an open file down on the kitchen table.

'Oh, no…' Meggan grimaced as she opened the file and read the contents. 'Why did it have to be those two?'

The file contained photos of two figures. One of the figures, who may or may not have been human, was clad in a white egg-shaped suit of armour. The other was dressed in a more normal-shaped blue armoured suit. He was also carrying a great big gun.

'Nanny and the Orphan Maker.' Wisdom explained. 'This photo was taken by an MI13 agent late last night.'

'Do you think those two are responsible for the recent spate of parent killings and child kidnappings?' Amora remembered.

'It looks likely to me.' Forge nodded in agreement. 'Isn't that their usual MO?'

'Do those MI13 guys know where Nanny's got herself holed up?' Guido asked. 'Or do we gotta tear London apart while we search for her ourselves?'

'My contacts think that Nanny's hiding out in an old abandoned hospital somewhere in Whitechapel.' Wisdom told the group.

'Oh, that's just lovely.' Meggan grumbled. 'Right in Jack the Ripper's old stomping grounds.'

'So, what are we waiting for?' Terry asked. 'Let's go rescue the wee ones!'

* * *

**Somewhere in Whitechapel-**

In an old abandoned hospital somewhere in the historical district of London known as Whitechapel, once famous as the haunt of the infamous Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper, the cyborg former scientist known as Nanny was holding several mutant children hostage. Nanny believed that the parents of mutant children were evil, especially those that abandoned their empowered children. Nanny and her assistant, the Orphan-Maker, travelled the world 'rescuing' mutant children and murdering their 'wicked' parents. The captured children were then placed under Nanny's mind control. The X-Men had bumped into her several times in the past.

One such child that Nanny had captured was a little blonde girl called Layla Miller, who had been holidaying in London with her parents. Nanny and the Orphan-Maker had attacked the hotel the Millers had been staying at and kidnapped Layla, killing her parents in the process.

Poor little Layla was strapped to an old operating table while Nanny prepared to do her thing.

'You won't get away with this, you monster!' Layla yelled as she struggled to free herself from her bonds. 'People will come here to rescue me!'

'And who would that be, my dear?' Nanny responded. 'I doubt it would be the police. That bunch of sillies couldn't find their bottoms with a map and a pack of hunting dogs.'

'Do you want me to shut her up, Nanny?' The Orphan-Maker asked, aiming the butt of his gun in Layla's direction.

'Now, Peter…' Nanny admonished her assistant. 'There's no need for any sort of nastiness. Just keep watching the monitors. We don't want nasty people to come and interrupt our good work, do we?'

'No, Nanny.' The Orphan-Maker shook his head as he did as he was told and toddled off to keep watch for any intruders. Once he had gone, Nanny proceeded to continue with her work.

'Now that we're alone, I can carry on without any interruptions.' Nanny stated as she moved some sort of ray gun beside Layla's head. 'This shouldn't hurt much.'

'You're going to regret this.' Layla stared up at her captor. 'You're going to get hurt.'

'Now, let's not be nasty about this.' Nanny tutted as she flicked switches and pressed buttons on her mind control ray. 'I have your best interests at heart. Anyway, what makes you think that anybody will come here to rescue you?'

A slight smile spread across Layla's lips.

'I'm Layla Miller. I know stuff.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: She Knows Stuff- Part 2**

_Will Excalibur be able to rescue Layla Miller and the other children from Nanny's clutches? Tune in next time to find out…_


	26. She Knows Stuff: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 26: She Knows Stuff- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Well, I won't argue that it was a no-holds-barred adrenaline fuelled thrill-ride, but there's no way that you could perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.'_- **Nicholas Angel (Hot Fuzz)**

* * *

**The skies above Whitechapel-**

The Midnight Runner cut through the skies of Whitechapel as it carried Excalibur off on their latest mission. A series of child kidnappings had been linked to the supervillain known as Nanny. The missing children's parents had also been killed by the Orphan-Maker, Nanny's assistant.

Meggan Braddock was particularly eager to see that Nanny was taken in to the authorities. Nanny had kidnapped little Betsy Junior a year or so ago, and Meggan hadn't really gotten over it yet.

'Meggan, are you well?' Amora, the former Asgardian Enchantress, asked concernedly. 'We all know that you have issues with Nanny and the Orphan Maker. Perhaps it would be wise if you did not take part in the mission.'

'I'm not going to sit on my backside at home while Nanny does God knows what to those poor innocent children.' Meggan told her friend matter-of-factly. 'I want to make sure that she _stays_ locked up this time.'

'So, what's the plan again?' Jamie Madrox asked as he leaned over the seat in front of him. 'Would somebody like to run it by me again?'

'Ye really have to pay attention during morning briefings, Jamie.' Theresa Cassidy shook her head. 'It's really important that ye listen to what Wisdom has to say. We may not like him all that much, but it's important that he does his job. That way nobody else gets hurt.'

'If you paid attention, you'd know that we're going to split up into two teams.' Wisdom explained. 'I'm going with Meggan, Madrox, and Amora to take on Nanny. The rest of you are going to go find the kids. Now, is everybody clear? I don't want to repeat myself again.'

'There's no time to go through the plan again, Wisdom.' Brian Braddock chipped in from his position in the pilot's seat. 'We've arrived at the hospital that Nanny's supposed to be hiding herself in.'

No sooner had Brian said that, then the Midnight Runner was rocked by something blasting them from below.

'What was that?' Forge wondered out loud as he peered out of the window. 'The Orphan Maker's blasting us with bazooka fire!'

'Then we'd better show him that we don't take kindly to getting shot at.' Brian nodded in agreement. There was a flash of light as Amora teleported half of the team into the hospital, leaving the others to deal with the bazooka-toting Orphan-Maker.

* * *

**Inside the hospital-**

Meggan's team appeared in the abandoned hospital in a flash of light. Meggan looked about cautiously.

'Everybody be careful.' The blonde empathic metamorph warned her teammates. 'There's no telling what Nanny's got planned for us.'

'At least we picked a good place for a fight.' Jamie sniffed as he looked around at their dingy surroundings. 'A disused hospital. That's just lovely. As if hospitals didn't give me the heebie-jeebies enough in the first place…'

'You should hang around with Loki some time, Madrox.' Amora shook her head. 'That man exudes unnaturalness.'

'What was the deal with you and Loki back in the day, anyway?' Jamie blinked at the blonde Asgardian. 'Y'know, back when you were all evil and junk.'

'I don't like what you're insinuating…' Amora glared daggers at the dupe-making mutant. 'If you have something to say, then say it.'

'I'm not saying anything.' Jamie held his hands up in innocence. 'See? This is me not saying anything.'

'Bloody hell!' Wisdom groaned in exasperation. 'You two are like two squabbling kids. Are you trying to give us away?'

'Nanny's bound to have holed herself up in the old operating theatre.' Meggan surmised. 'That way she can carry on with her evil experiments without getting interrupted.'

'So, that's the plan?' Jamie asked. 'We're just going to waltz in there and beat her up?'

The quartet of heroes all spun around as something barged its way through the swing doors that led towards one of the operating theatres.

'Nobody's gonna hurt Nanny!' A pink armour-clad figure retorted as it aimed its wrist blasters at the heroes. 'I'm gonna blow you all up, you big meanies!'

'We're already too late!' Meggan grimaced in realisation. 'Nanny's already begun to turn those kids into her slaves!'

'Nanny's real good to us.' The pink-clad lackey told them. 'When we do good she gives us cookies.'

Wisdom's hands began to glow red as he readied to blast his foe with his Hot Knives.

'Wisdom, no!' Amora pushed the former spy's hands away. 'Remember that inside that armour there is still an innocent child. We can't kill them!'

'Then what do you propose we do?' Wisdom retorted. 'Talk to her until she gives up?'

'Hey, guys.' Jamie piped up. 'Where's Meggan gone?'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Meggan had slipped away from the group, leaving her teammates to deal with Nanny's pink-clad lackey. The blonde shapeshifter was determined to take on Nanny by herself.

Meggan slowly and carefully crept along the corridors that led to the operating theatres. She used her empathic abilities to follow the sensation of fear coming from the captured children. She could hear Nanny's voice coming from the nearest theatre.

'Now, now. There's no need to fidget so.' Nanny's soothing voice told her latest victim, a young boy that couldn't be any older than eight. 'Nanny only wants what's best for you.'

'I want to go home…' The little boy sobbed. 'I want my mum! I want my dad!'

'I'm afraid they won't be able to help you, my dear.' Nanny responded. 'You and I are the only ones here.'

'That's what you think, Nanny!' Meggan yelled as she picked up a rusted kidney-shaped dish and threw it at the rotund cyborg.

_**PANG!**_

The metal dish bounced off the back of Nanny's head and fell clattering to the floor.

'Oh, hello there.' Nanny chuckled lightly as she turned around. 'Meggan, isn't it? It's been such a long time since we last met. Now, why don't you come and give Nanny a hug?'

'Not on your life, you psychopath!' Meggan retorted as she glowered down at Nanny. 'I'm here to make sure that you're stopped.'

'Tsk. Tsk.' Nanny tutted as she shook her head. 'It sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. 'Would you like some tea? It will help you calm down.'

'I don't _want _to calm down, you monster!' Meggan snapped as she grabbed Nanny up and lifted her into the air. She morphed into a more fearsome form. One with green skin and fanged teeth. 'I'm going to shut you down forever!'

'Oh, no. We can't have you do anything like that.' Nanny tutted. 'I am doing it all for the benefit of the little ones. Their horrid parents don't have any idea how to look after special children.'

'That still doesn't explain why you had to kill the parents in the first place.' Meggan shot back. 'How is _that _helping?'

'The parents had to be punished.' Nanny explained matter-of-factly. 'Now, are you going to let me down, or will you have to be punished as well?'

Meggan just snarled in disgust and threw Nanny against the wall.

'Quick, get out of here before she recovers!' Meggan said as she released the little boy from his bonds. She morphed back to normal. 'There are people outside. They'll look after you.'

The little boy did as he was told and ran out of the operating theatre.

'That wasn't very nice…' Nanny grunted as she got back up to her feet. 'Nanny will have to discipline you…'

'Oh, shut up.' Meggan sighed as she hefted up the operating table and threw it at Nanny, pinning her to the wall. 'You're going to jail for a long time.'

'That's where you're wrong, my dear.' Nanny retorted. 'My precious Peter will be here to save me.'

As if in response to Nanny's words, the armour-clad Orphan-Maker came smashing in through the wall.

'My bad!' Guido yelled in apology.

'Nanny, I have an owie…' The weakened Orphan-Maker whined as she struggled to get up to her feet.

'Nanny's a little busy here, my darling.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Nanny and the Orphan Maker had been taken away by the authorities, and the captured children had been freed. They would be taken care of by any surviving family members. There was one child that hadn't been accounted for, however. The little blonde girl who Nanny had placed in the pink armour. The girl who Meggan had left Amora, Jamie, and Pete Wisdom with.

'Any idea what's going to happen to the little blonde girl?' Brian asked.

'Well, the poor girl hasn't got any living relatives.' Alistair Stewart, a colleague of Wisdom's from MI13, and an old friend of Excalibur, told the team. 'She'll have to be put into an orphanage, or maybe put up for adoption.'

'Couldn't we look after her?' Meggan enquired. 'I mean, that would be better than being left in an orphanage, wouldn't it?'

'I'll see what I can do about that.' Alistair responded. 'The child will be your responsibility.'

Jamie knelt down to speak to the little girl.

'So, kid. What's your name?' The blonde girl smiled up at the scruffy-looking mutant.

'I'm Layla Miller. I know stuff.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Brawling with the Fishes**

_Meggan and Amora take Little Betsy and Layla to see the London Aquarium._


	27. Brawling with the Fishes

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 27: Brawling With the Fishes**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__D'you know any nice people? Y'know, normal everyday people, not power-crazed nutters trying to take over the universe?'_**- Ace (Doctor Who: Survival)**

* * *

**London-**

It was a typically grey day in England's capital, but that didn't stop people from going about their business. Not even an attack by a giant alien dragon could stop the citygoers and tourists walking around the city. Excalibur and the authorities had made a grand job of rebuilding everything after the battle with Fin Fang Foom** (1)**. Nobody could tell that there had been a pitched superhero battle a mere few days previously. For all intents and purposes, life in London was back to normal.

London Aquarium was particularly busy. There was a new shark exhibit there and people were eager to see it. London Aquarium was a three story building situated on the South Bank of the Thames, not very far away from the London Eye. It housed a collection of 350 species of fish from all over the world. From rivers and ponds to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. It was there that Meggan decided to take Layla Miller, Excalibur's ward. The poor girl had lost her parents in an attack by Nanny and the Orphan-Maker, so Meggan decided to take her in.

'Well, here we are…' Meggan announced as she stood in front of the grey brick building and looked up at it. 'London Aquarium. One of my favourite places in all of London.'

'It looks pretty busy today, Meggan.' Amora noticed. 'Do you think we will be able to gain entrance?'

'This isn't all that different from a normal day.' Meggan told her teammate. 'Heck, this place is supposed to get over a million visitors every year. I'm sure we'll be able to get in and see everything.'

'Do you want me to pay, Mummy?' Little Betsy asked her mother. 'I saved my money specially.'

'That's alright, luv.' Meggan smiled down at her daughter. 'I booked the tickets online before we left home.'

'I remember hearing Brian saying how expensive it all was.' Layla recounted. 'Thirty-seven pounds twenty-five pence for two adults and one child aged between three and fourteen. Betsy gets in free because she's under three. We're also able to take advantage of the fast track desk which enables us to skip the line.'

'Then why are we standing here like lemons, then?' Meggan tutted. 'We're losing precious time out here when we could be inside pulling faces at the fish or watching the male seahorses giving birth.'

'Mum, can I adopt a shark?' Little Betsy asked as she indicated a board showing the various species that guests could adopt. 'I wanna get a zebra shark. They're the prettiest.'

'Oh, I don't know.' Meggan frowned slightly as she studied the price chart. 'Eighty pounds is a little expensive, don't you think? Wouldn't you rather adopt a seahorse? You love seahorses. It says here that they have a seahorse called Derek and he's two years old. Just like you.'

'Ooh! I like Derek!' Little Betsy smiled happily. 'Does he have any babies?'

'Why don't we head on over to the nursery and have a look?' Meggan smiled at her daughter. 

'Yay!' Betsy clapped her hands in excitement. 'I'm gonna get a seahorse!'

Meggan held her daughter's hand tight as the group headed over to the area that looked after the various baby fish and the expectant parents. Layla stopped to move a mop and bucket out of the way. 

'That could be dangerous.' The blonde stated. 'Somebody could fall over and hurt themselves.'

* * *

**The nursery-**

The group were now stood in the nursery looking at the various baby fish. Luckily, Derek was expecting, much to Betsy's excitement. Seahorses, as well as their close relatives the pipefish, were unique among living creatures, because the males became pregnant instead of the females.

'I bet his back aches.' Meggan chuckled as she gazed at the expectant males. 'I know that my back hurt when I was expecting Betsy. At least I was able to sit down once in a while, though. These poor things can only float about and hang onto seaweed with their tails.'

'They're beautiful.' Little Betsy complimented the creatures as she stood up on her tiptoes to get a better loom at them. 'Can I take Derek home now?'

'Adopting a seahorse doesn't work like that, little one.' Amora told the little girl. 'You can't take it home as if it were something from a pet shop. The money that you pay goes towards his food and helps the nice people here look after him.'

'Oh.' Little Betsy sighed sadly.

'You do get a framed photo and an information pack telling you all about your adopted fish, though.' Layla chipped in. 

'If you desperately want a pet seahorse, I'll get you one, luv.' Meggan told her daughter. 'But we'll have to get it some friends. I couldn't put the poor thing in a tank on its own.'

'What about Kylie and Jason?' Little Betsy reminded her mother, referring to their two pet goldfish. 'They could be the horsie's new friends.'

'Kylie and Jason like to live in fresh water.' Meggan explained. 'The horsie likes to live in sea water. They just won't get along. I'll get you a book from the gift shop once we've finished. Then we can talk about it properly once we get home, yeah?'

'Okay.' Little Betsy nodded in understanding.

'There's a good girl.' Meggan smiled as she mussed up her daughter's hair. 'Now come on, let's go and see that new shark exhibit…'

The quartet was just about to head off in the direction of the shark exhibit when a lady let out a scream.

'Somebody stop that man! He just stole my purse!'

'So much for a quiet day looking at the fishes.' Amora sighed.

'Layla, look after Betsy while we deal with this, will you?' Meggan asked the older girl. 'Here's some money. Take her to the café and have a burger or something.'

Layla simply nodded and took Little Betsy by the hand as they headed off towards the aquarium's café.

* * *

**Near the entrance-**

The purse snatcher had almost made it out of the aquarium before Meggan and Amora caught up with him.

'Hey, stop right where you are!' Meggan commanded as she flew after the thief. 'I'm not going to tell you again!'

'I'd do as she says if I were you.' Amora told the thief. 'You will find it in your best interest. We don't wish to hurt you. However, if you do continue to run, we'll have to take you down.'

The thief didn't reply as he knocked over a cardboard cut-out of a cartoon shark in an attempt to halt his pursuers. Amora easily vaulted over the fallen cartoon shark and dove for the thief's legs, knocking him to the ground.

'Get off me!' The thief yelled as he kicked out of Amora's grip.

'Ah! Fafnir's Teeth!' Amora hissed as she rubbed her head. 'You shall pay dearly for that!'

'Amora, let's not to anything hasty, okay?' Meggan suggested to her teammate. 'We can't vaporise thieves in the middle of the aquarium!'

Thankfully, Amora didn't have to bother casting a spell as the thief tripped over a carelessly-placed mop and bucket, which sent him tumbling to the ground. Meggan quickly ran up to the thief and grabbed him by the arms.

'I'll take that, thank you.' The blonde empath smirked as she snatched back the stolen handbag. 'You're lucky that I'm the one that caught you. My friend wouldn't have been so forgiving. Which is understandable seeing that you kicked her in the head.' 

* * *

**The Lake House, later-**

Once the would be purse snatcher had been taken away by the police, Meggan and her friends had returned home, but not without first heading to a pet shop that stocked exotic fish.

Little Betsy watched eagerly as Meggan put her new pet seahorse into a tank along with some new friends. It would have been cruel to have put the creature in a tank on its own, so Meggan went and bought some other fish to keep it company. Meggan didn't want to buy a male seahorse, because it would have been a little difficult to handle when it became pregnant.

'So, what are you going to call your new pets?' Brian asked his daughter. 'Do you have any ideas?'

'Uh…' Betsy bit her lip thoughtfully. 'Sarah Jane.' 

'I like it.' Meggan smiled as she looked at the other fish swimming around in the tank. 'What about the others? I think Jamie, Zoe, and Leela would be good names.'

'Okay, mummy.' Little Betsy grinned. 'I'll call them that.'

'Mew.' Jess purred as he stood up on his hind legs to take a look at the new arrivals.

'Jess, no!' Little Betsy admonished the black-and-white cat. 'Naughty! They're not food!'

Jess hung his shoulders as he slunk away. He would get those damn fishes one of those days. Oh, yes. He would get them…

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Awkward Reunions**

_Thor decides to pop in and pay Amora a visit. _

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Excalibur teamed up with the Young Avengers to take on Fin Fang Foom in '_Uncanny Young Avengers'


	28. Awkward Reunions

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 28: Awkward Reunions**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Aw, twenty dollars... I wanted a peanut.'_**- Homer Simpson**

* * *

**London-**

In a small magic shop somewhere in one of London's many side streets, Amora the Enchantress was closing for lunch. She was going to meet Forge in a restaurant a few blocks away.

The blonde Asgardian turned as she heard the sound of the bell above the door ringing, indicating that somebody had just walked into the shop.

'I am sorry, but we are just about to close for lunch. If you come back in an hour or so I would be happy to tend to your magical needs…'

Then Amora recognised who had just walked into her magic shop. A tall man with shoulder length blond hair, and a hammer tied to his belt.

'Thor.' Amora nodded curtly at the Thunder God standing in her doorway. 'What brings you here? On second thoughts, it does not matter. I have important things to do. It can wait.'

'Is it wrong for me to visit my friend?' Thor asked innocently. 'Do I need a reason to say hello?'

'Hello, Thor.' Amora sighed. 'Now, can you leave? I have an important dinner date.'

'A dinner date?' Thor enquired. 'Who is the lucky man?'

Amora was rapidly beginning to lose her patience with the Thunder God.

'Are you going to get out of my way, or will I have to move you?' Amora frowned. 'I do not have time for this.'

The blonde then sighed heavily when she realized the Thunder God wouldn't move. She had better hear what Thor had to say or he wouldn't leave her alone.

'This is against my better judgment…' The magic-wielder sighed. 'But I suppose that Forge would not mind if you came along. You can say whatever you came here to say once we arrive.'

'Very well.' Thor nodded in understanding as Amora locked the door and headed off down the street. 'It has been such a long time since we last met. We have much to catch up on.

* * *

**Meanwhile, across town-**

While Amora had snagged herself an unwanted guest to lunch, Meggan and Terry were sitting in a television studio waiting for the chat show they were guests on to come back after the adverts had finished.

'Welcome back, everybody.' The chat show host, a pretty Scottish brunette woman called Zoe McCrimmon, smiled at the cameras. 'For those of you that missed us before the break, this week's guests are Meggan Braddock and Theresa Cassidy of Excalibur.'

Zoe turned to talk to her two guests.

'I noticed that you managed to nab yourself some of those delicious treats that Mike, or guest cook, made for us before the break.'

'Oh, yes.' Meggan smiled. 'They were delicious. He made it look so easy.'

'Aye, they were tasty alright.' Terry nodded in agreement. 'Pity they'll be goin' straight to my hips.'

'Well, they would be if they weren't low fat.' Zoe pointed out.

'Pff. Low fat.' Meggan snorted in derision. 'Where's the fun of that?'

'Not everybody can change their shape like you can, Meggan.' Terry sighed. 'If we eat too much chocolate, we cannae change the shape of our hips to make them look slim.'

Zoe decided that it might have been a good idea if she moved the show on.

'So, Meggan, there's a rumour that you're a big fan of TV and movies.'

'There's no rumour about it.' Meggan answered. 'I've never hidden my love of the telly. Okay, I don't watch as much as I used too, I've got a young daughter to look after.'

'Aye, sometimes we dinnae know whether she's watching cartoons for Betsy's benefit or hers.' Terry joked.

'Have you got any favourite TV programmes or films?' Zoe enquired.

'Oh, my.' Meggan winced. 'There's so many that I like. I think it would be easier for me to tell you which ones I don't like. Although, I did use to like that old Crossroads programme. You know, the one with all the wobbly sets. I can't believe I actually used to love it so much. What was I thinking? I used to love Gerry Anderson's shows as well. You know, stuff like Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet.'

'Terry, what about you?' Zoe asked.

'I dinnae really watch much television, I'm afraid.' The Irish redhead sighed. 'There isn't anything that really catches my eye. Although, I do go out of my way to watch Top Gear. That programme has me in stitches.'

'Oh, so are you a car fan?' Zoe asked.

'Nothing of the sort.' Meggan laughed. 'She just watches it because she fancies the short one.' The Irish redhead blushed.

'Do either of you have any guilty pleasures?' Zoe enquired. 'You know, favourite TV programmes or films that you find kind of embarrassing?'

'I don't feel embarrassed about what films I like.' Meggan shrugged. 'I've never kept the fact that I'm a big Flash Gordon fan girl secret.'

'I gather you mean the old movie from the Eighties.' Zoe surmised. 'Not te more recent show.'

'Oh, no.' Meggan shook her head. 'That new Flash Gordon show isn't any good at all. I tried to watch the first episode but I couldn't get into it. It just isn't the same without Brian Blessed or a theme track by Queen, is it?'

'Aye, ye cannae beat a nice bit of cheese to while away a rainy Sunday afternoon.' Terry nodded in agreement. 'And this being England, most Sunday afternoons are rainy ones.'

* * *

**Back with Amora-**

Amora had met Forge in the restaurant as planned. The Cheyenne mutant was a little surprised to see Thor with his date, though. He knew all about the history the pair had together. They had started out as enemies before becoming a couple. That was until the pair broke up when Amora joined Excalibur.

'I am deeply sorry if I have caused you any trouble.' Thor apologised. 'I did not mean to impose upon you.'

'Oh, think nothing of it.' Forge reassured the Thunder God. 'It's a pleasure to get to meet one of Amora's… friends.'

'This is not as awkward as I thought it would be.' Amora stated. 'Just as long as you are not checking up on me to make sure that I am keeping out of trouble.'

'Amora, I assure you that such a thing never even crossed my mind.' Thor waved off the remark. 'I merely wished to come and see a friend to catch up on old times.'

'Does Sif know that you are here?' Amora realised. 'She and I have never exactly been close. She would not be best pleased if she found out that you are talking to a former lover.'

'You're in a heap of trouble there, my friend.' Forge grimaced. 'If Asgardians are anything like us regular mortals, then you'd best do something to appease her quick.'

'You should tell her first.' Amora chipped in. 'It is not right to keep secrets from your lover.'

'Aye, you are correct.' Thor nodded in agreement. 'Lady Sif has a vicious temper. It would not be wise to incur her wrath.'

'I hope the sofas at Avengers Mansion are comfortable.' Forge chuckled slightly. 'Because that's where you'll be sleeping once Sif finds out.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Maid Meggan and Her Merry Men**

_Jamie Braddock is back and this time he has a little game for Brian, Meggan, and the other members of Excalibur. _


	29. Maid Meggan And Her Merry Men: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 29: Maid Meggan And Her Merry Men- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__I would never lie. I wilfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.'_**- Fox Mulder (The X-Files: Shadows)**

* * *

**The Lake House-**

Meggan Braddock sighed heavily as she watched the rain run down the window. It was raining again in London. It was always the same. Just when you thought it would be nice and sunny for all of the week, there would end up being torrential rain.

What made it worse for the blonde metamorph was that there wasn't anything decent worth watching on the television, and she would watch any old rubbish. It was only possible to watch so many DIY programs or bad chat shows before you wanted go out and start taking hostages.

'Ye could always watch a DVD or something.' Theresa Cassidy suggested from the couch. 'I havenae watched The Bourne Identity in a while.'

'I'm sorry Terry, but if I hear Jamie shout _Matt Damon _one more time, I'm liable to do something that he'd regret.' Meggan shook her head.

'Then why not play a game of something?' Terry continued. 'We've got plenty of board games stashed away. Monopoly's always a good way to while away the hours.'

Meggan let out a bored sigh and rested her chin on her hand.

'I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Remember the last time we played Monopoly? Jamie threw the board out the window when he ended up going bust.'

'Then what do ye want to do?' Terry threw her hands up in exasperation. 'Surely there must be something we can do to occupy ourselves.'

'Then perhaps I could be of service, ladies…'

Meggan and Terry both jumped up in surprise. There was a man wearing boxers shorts with smiley faces on them and a battered top hat.

'Ahh! Jamie! What the hell are you doing here?' Meggan yelped.

'I'm not here to hurt you.' Jamie Braddock explained. 'I just thought I'd pay you a visit, come and say hello. Then I heard you saying that you were bored, so I decided we could all play a game together.'

'Why do I get the idea that we'll end up regretting saying yes?' Terry sighed.

'Hey, it's better than sitting on your backsides watching the rain…' Jamie grinned as everything began to fade into whiteness.

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Once the white light began to dissipate, Meggan realised that she wasn't in the Lake House anymore. She was in a clearing in the middle of a forest somewhere. She could also hear birds singing nearby. Then she looked down at what she was wearing. Gone was the comfortable sweater and jeans to be replaced with a green tunic and tights.

'Uh-oh…' The elfin-eared woman grimaced.

'Would you care to explain what's going on?' Brian Braddock asked his wife. 'The last thing I remember was tinkering with the Midnight Runner's engine, now I find myself stuck in the middle of a forest somewhere.'

'Not just any forest.' Layla Miller piped up. 'We're in Sherwood Forest.'

'What makes you say that?' Jamie Madrox enquired.

'I'm Layla Miller.' The mysterious girl shrugged. 'I know stuff.'

'Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what's going on.' Forge added his two cents. 'We're in the middle of a forest dressed in tights. Who else are we going to be other than Robin Hood and his Merry Men?'

'I must protest!' Amora frowned, clad in red instead of her usual green. 'I am _not_ a merry woman!'

'I'm afraid this might be my fault…' Meggan admitted sheepishly. 'I was complaining that I was bored, then Jamie appeared and, well you know the rest…'

'I get all that, but why the bloody hell do _I_ have to be Friar Tuck?' Wisdom complained as he tried to cover up the bald spot on top of his head.

'Oh, I don't know, Wisdom.' Strong Guy snickered, pointing at Wisdom's robes. 'I think you look kinda neat.'

'It's alright for you, Carosella.' Wisdom sulked. 'You get dressed up as Little John. You get a bloody big quarterstaff. You don't have to wear these stupid bloody monk's robes. They're itchy.'

'I think these tights are pretty fetching.' Terry confessed with a small smile as she looked herself up and down. 'Plus, I've got a lute. Call me Terry-a-Dale.'

'Well, I guess that makes me Robin Hood.' Brian guessed. 'Meggan's Maid Marion, obviously. I guess Jamie would be Will Scarlet, Forge the Moor Azeem, and Layla's Much the Miller's… daughter. I don't know who Amora could be.'

'I do not care who I am supposed to be!' Amora snapped. 'I just want to get this foolish endeavour over and done with.'

'There's one person that we're forgetting.' Meggan reminded everybody. 'Where's Betsy?'

* * *

**The Sheriff of Nottingham's Castle, meanwhile-**

'Where are mummy and daddy?' Little Betsy Braddock asked the bearded man sitting opposite her. 'Are they hurt?'

'Don't worry, poppet.' Jamie Braddock smiled at his niece. 'Your mummy and daddy and all their friends are fine. I'm just playing a game with them.'

'A game?' Betsy cocked her head in curiosity. 'What sort of game?'

'You like hide and seek, don't you?' Jamie asked. Little Betsy nodded. 'Well, all they have to do is find me and they win.'

'Sounds silly.' Betsy sniffed. 'You're silly.'

'Now, there's no need to be mean.' Jamie sighed. 'You don't even know who I am, do you?'

'You're my Uncle Jamie.' Betsy replied. 'Mummy and Daddy told me all about you. You're a bad man!'

'I _used_ to be a bad man, sweetie.' Jamie pointed out with a grin. 'But I'm better now. Didn't your mummy and daddy tell you how I helped your Uncle Wade? He's better now as well.'

'Will mummy and daddy be long?' Betsy asked.

'Well, that all depends.' Jamie shrugged. 'Why don't we have something to eat while we wait? What would you like? Ice-cream? Chocolate? Pizza?'

Little Betsy squeaked in surprise as all sorts of food appeared on the heavy wooden table in front of her.

'How did you do that?' The little girl asked. 'Are you magic?'

'I guess you could say that I'm magic.' Jamie grinned.

'Could you make a pony?' Little Betsy enquired. 'I always wanted a pony.'

'Your wish is my command, poppet.' Jamie skilled as he waved his hand.

Little Betsy clapped her hands in excitement as a Shetland Pony appeared beside her.

'Yay! My own pony! I'm gonna name her Pickles!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Maid Meggan And Her Merry Men-**

_Will Meggan and the rest of Excalibur manage to find Little Betsy? Tune in next time to find out…_


	30. Maid Meggan And Her Merry Men: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 30: Maid Meggan And Her Merry Men: Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!'_**- Charlie Croker (The Italian Job) **

* * *

**Sherwood Forest-**

Brian Braddock and his teammates rode on horseback through Sherwood Forest. Jamie, Brian's insane reality-warping older brother, had transported the members of Excalibur into a world based on the stories of Robin Hood and his Merry Men. The team were also clad in tunics and tights, just like the infamous robber of the rich.

'I still do not see why I cannot just teleport us all to the castle.' Amora grumbled. 'It would have saved us time.'

'That's hardly in keeping with the game, is it?' Siryn grinned with glee. 'I for one am enjoying m'self.'

'I'm glad to see somebody's enjoying himself.' Jamie Madrox grimaced as he held on to his horse as if his life depended on it. 'All this riding is making my butt hurt!'

'Aww, you're just not used to horses, boyo.' Siryn laughed. 'C'mon, I'll race ye!'

Siryn tapped her heels against the horse she was riding and galloped away. The horse that Jamie was riding decided to follow along.

'Ahh, no! Stop!' Jamie howled as his horse galloped away. 'How do you stop this thing?'

'Aww, isn't that sweet?' Meggan smiled. 'Poor little Jamie doesn't even know how to ride a horse. I don't have that problem, thanks to my childhood.'

'I thought you spent most of your childhood watching the TV.' Guido pointed out.

'Every girl wants to learn how to ride a horse.' Meggan pointed out. 'Plus, I was obsessed with My Little Ponies for a while too. That was before I discovered Doctor Who, mind you. The rest is pretty much history.'

'It's true.' Brian added. 'Meggan used to love Doctor Who. She even used to have one of those great big long scarves. What happened to that thing, anyway?'

'Oh, that smelly old thing?' Meggan scrunched up her nose. 'Long scarves are old hat these days. Nowadays it's all converse and pinstripe suits.'

'I'm glad somebody's havin' a good time.' Pete Wisdom grumbled. 'If we have to ride for any longer, my arse is going to end up red raw.'

'That's a lovely image, Wisdom.' Forge shook his head.

'Oh piss off, Tonto.' Wisdom snapped back.

'Don't take any notice of Pete.' Meggan told the Cheyenne mutant. 'He's just upset because he hasn't had a smoke for the last five minutes.'

'Oh, that's right.' Wisdom sneered. 'Let's all laugh. I wouldn't be in such a mood if this bloody monk outfit had pockets, then I could actually find somewhere to keep my smokes. '

'Excuse me for asking a stupid question…' Guido piped up. 'But how are we gonna get into the castle once we arrive?'

'Don't worry, Guido…' Layla smiled. 'I know just what we're going to do…'

* * *

**Jamie's castle, a little while later-**

Jamie Braddock was sitting at a heavy oak table with his niece, Little Betsy. They were playing a game of Buckaroo. The elder Braddock had his tongue stuck out in concentration as he tried to find somewhere on the mule to place the tiny plastic box of dynamite.

'Eee. Be careful…' Little Betsy squeaked in excitement.

'I do know how to play the game, poppet.' Jamie told his niece. 'I'm not exactly new at this.'

Jamie was just about to place the piece upon the little mule when a guard burst into the room, messing up Jamie's move, which in turn set off the little mule which promptly kicked off all of the pieces loaded onto its back.

'You had better have a good reason for interrupting.' Jamie glowered at the guard. 'You just made me lose.'

'My apologies, sire.' The guard bowed. 'But there is a group of monks outside requesting that they are allowed into the castle to take shelter for the night.'

'Well, it sure took Brian and the others long enough to get here.' Jamie smiled. 'I think we'd better send out the welcome wagon.'

'Unca Jamie…' Little Betsy piped up. 'You're not gonna hurt mummy and daddy and the others, are you?'

'Of course not, petal.' Jamie gave his niece a comforting pat on the head. 'I'm just going to pop outside and finish playing the game with them. You can watch out the window if you want.'

* * *

**Outside-**

Thankfully, Layla's plan to gain the team access to Jamie's castle was working without a hitch. Everybody was dressed in monk's robes, just like the Robin Hood stories.

'I detest hiding like this.' Amora grumbled. 'Why can we not just storm the castle and take your daughter back, Brian?'

'There's a chance that Betsy could get hurt if we just storm the castle.' Brian explained. 'Hence the stealthy approach.'

'Chances are that your nutter of a brother already knows that we're here.' Wisdom pointed out. 'Besides, he wouldn't do anything to hurt your daughter, or he would have done it already.'

'Well, done. Give the scruffy chap a prize.' Jamie, now dressed as the Sheriff of Nottingham, clapped as he walked down some stone steps. 'I have to commend you on playing the game properly. Jolly good show on not cheating, by the way.'

'The game's over, Jamie.' Meggan told her brother-in-law. 'Can we have Betsy back now, please?'

'Aww, but we haven't even started to have fun yet.' Jamie pouted. 'You haven't even beaten the end of level boss yet.'

'And I suppose that boss would be you, right?' Madrox surmised. 'I knew this whole thing was too easy.'

'Then what are we standing here doing nothing for?' Guido asked. 'Let's kick some ass!'

'Oh, no.' Jamie shook his head. 'Eight against one? I don't think so. A tad unfair wouldn't you say?'

'Fine then…' Brian sighed heavily. 'I'll take you on myself, Jamie.'

'Spiffing.' Jamie chuckled as he conjured to swords out of thin air. 'Have at you, sir.'

Brian took one of the swords and prepared for the duel.

'So, what are we going to do once these two fight it out?' Guido enquired. 'Are we just gonna sit on our butts and watch?'

'There's nothing we can do, Guido.' Terry shook her head. 'God knows what Jamie'll do if we all gang up on him. I take it that he doesnae exactly appreciate cheatin' in his games.'

'Now would have been great for a smoke break.' Wisdom grumbled. 'But we had to come to a world where cigarettes don't even bloody exist!'

'Do you mind?' Layla frowned at the scruffy Brit. 'Some of us are trying to watch.'

'I don't know why you care, luv.' Wisdom retorted. 'You most probably know how the fight's going to end any way.'

'Of course I know how it's going to end.' Layla smiled. 'I'm Layla Miller. I know stuff.'

With that everybody decided to keep quiet and watch the duel between Brian and his older brother.

'Heh. Just like old times, eh brother?' Jamie smiled as he blocked the younger Braddock's attack. 'God bless fencing lessons.'

'Technically, we shouldn't be fighting like this.' Brian explained as he leapt over Jamie's attack. 'Robin Hood didn't engage the Sheriff of Nottingham in a sword fight, it was Guy of Gisbourne.'

'Only if you mean the Errol Flynn movie.' Jamie pointed out as he backed away up some stone steps. 'But I much prefer Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Okay, it's history was flawed, but you can't beat Alan Rickman as the Sheriff.'

'Okay, you've got me there.' Brian conceded as he blocked another one of his brother's attacks. 'That is a pretty good movie.'

'Plus, it's got Brian Blessed as Robin's father.' Jamie grinned as he parried Brian's attack. 'Everything is better with a big bearded man shouting stuff.'

'Really, all this banter has been fun, but I have to take Betsy home now.' Brian said as he swept Jamie's legs from under him, making him fall to the ground, losing his grip in the process. Brian held his sword at his brother's throat. 'I'm sorry, Jamie, but we really have to be getting back. Do you concede?'

'Oh, all right…' Jamie sulked, holding his head in his hands like a petulant child. 'You can go home now. But I'll tell you one thing: The next game we play won't be so easy!'

* * *

**The Lake House-**

Jamie Braddock had been true to his word and had returned everybody home. Wisdom and Amora were particularly happy to be back. The scruffy Brit had gone outside for a smoke as soon as they appeared at the Lake House. Amora went off to have a bath. She hated the feeling of the rough monk's robes against her skin and the Asgardian sorceress wanted to wash the sensation away.

Brian and Meggan were trying to decide what to do with the little pony that Jamie had given Betsy.

'I guess we could build a stable.' Meggan suggested.

'On the top of a high rise government building?' Brian asked his wife sceptically. 'I don't think the powers that be will like that.'

'That's never bothered you before, love.' Meggan pointed out. 'What would you rather do: obey the government like a good little lapdog, or make your daughter happy?'

Brian couldn't help but smile at that.

'Do you really need to ask?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Girl Talk**

_Siryn has something very important to talk to Meggan about._


	31. Girl Talk

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 31: Girl Talk**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

_

* * *

_

'_Good lord, Lawrence, why are you slapping a monkey?'_**- Teddy Roosevelt (Night at the Museum)**

**

* * *

**

**The Lake House-**

It was yet another cold and rainy day in the city of London. Meggan Braddock was in the kitchen baking cakes with her daughter Betsy Junior.

'And now we just need to spread the icing on the cake.' Meggan instructed her daughter. 'Be careful. Don't knock the bowl over.'

'I'll be careful, mummy.' Betsy Junior nodded in understanding as she began to spread the icing mix on the sponge cake in front of her. 'I like cooking with you, mummy.'

'And I like cooking with you too, sweetie.' Meggan smiled at her daughter.

Nothing made Meggan happier than spending time with her daughter, even if that meant cooking. Meggan never was the best cook, but thanks to all the cooking shows she had watched over the years, she had begun to pick a few things up.

'Finished!' Betsy announced with a grin as she put down the now empty bowl. 'What do we do now?'

'Now we can finish decorating the cake.' Meggan explained. 'Have you got the sweets?'

'Uh-huh.' Betsy nodded as she held up another bowl, this time one filled with brightly-coloured sweets. 'I'm gonna make a smiley face.'

'Who is it going to be?' Meggan asked.

'Auntie Terry.' Betsy answered. 'She's been sad, so I'm makin' her a cake to make her happy.'

'Aww, that's so sweet of you.' Meggan ruffled her daughter's hair. 'Auntie Terry's going to love that.'

'What am I goin' tae love?'

Meggan and Betsy turned to see Theresa Cassidy standing in the doorway.

'I'm makin' you a cake, Auntie Terry.' Betsy announced proudly. 'I'm gonna use green sweets, cuz you have green eyes.'

'Oh, that's so kind of you.' Terry smiled as she gave Betsy a hug. 'What about red liquorice for the hair?'

'Yeah!' Betsy clapped her hands in excitement. 'You've got red hair!'

The little blonde girl stuck her tongue out in concentration as she began to decorate the cake so it looked like Terry.

'Meggan, can I have a word with ye in private?' Terry whispered to her teammate. 'It's kind of important.'

'Yes, of course.' Meggan nodded before she turned to talk to her daughter. 'Sweetie, I'm just going to talk to Auntie Terry in the other room, okay? Remember to wash your hands when you've finished decorating the cake and cover it over with a bowl, okay?'

'Yes, mummy.' Betsy nodded in understanding.

Meggan took off her apron and wiped her hands on a cloth as she followed Terry into the corridor.

'So, what did you need to talk to me about?' Meggan asked. 'It isn't about you and Jamie is it? You're not breaking up are you?'

'It's nothing like that.' Terry reassured her friend. 'But it does involve Jamie.'

'Oh God, what's he done now?' Meggan groaned. 'Has he gotten himself into some sort of trouble again?'

'I don't know how to tell ye this Meggan, but… I'm pregnant. And Jamie's the father.' The Irish redhead admitted.

'Well, that's great news.' Meggan grinned. 'Have you told him yet?'

'Uh… no.' Terry shook her head. 'It's already taken me this long to pluck up enough courage to tell _you _about it.'

'Jamie should have been the first one you told, you know.' Meggan advised her friend. 'But it's nice that you chose to tell me first.'

'It's just… I don't know how he'll react to the news.' Terry sighed. 'Jamie Madrox isnae exactly well known for his maturity.'

'Well, the best thing to do is just bite the bullet and tell him.' Meggan told her. 'You'll feel better once you get the news off your chest.'

'Aye, I guess yuir right.' Terry nodded. 'It's for the best.'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Several floors below Pete Wisdom was sitting at a bank of computers, each screen showing the image of a different superhero.

'Doing a spot of homework, Peter?' Brian asked as he walked in with a mug of tea.

'Just another one of the PM's latest pet projects, my old mate.' Wisdom explained. 'He's all up in arms because the press are on about how the team's full of ex-pat Yanks.'

'That's never seemed to be an issue before.' Brian frowned. 'Back when Excalibur first formed, Meggan and I were the only Brits on the team.'

'You tell that to the Powers That Be, mate.' Wisdom sighed. 'They want more Brits on the team, so I'm doing a search to see who's available.'

'Well, Rahne Sinclair's out of the question.' Brian reminded the scruffy ex-spy as he pointed at the image of the former New Mutant known as Wolfsbane. 'She has a family to take care of now, not to mention her teaching job at the Xavier Institute. Betsy too. Moira MacTaggart's not likely to join up, either. She's on the Institute's medical staff right now, not to mention the fact that you two would end up fighting all the time. '

'Then that just leaves this lot…' Wisdom said as he brought up a list of names of the remaining British heroes. 'Jacqueline Farnsworth, aka Spitfire. Joseph Chapman, aka Union Jack. Dane Whitman, aka Black Knight.'

'Hang on, I though the Black Knight was American.' Brian thought out loud.

'Well, he's a legacy hero.' Wisdom explained. 'I figured that would satisfy the top brass, not to mention that he used to be an Avenger and all that nonsense. Plus, the general public're suckers for all that King Arthur bollocks.'

'Who else have we got then, Pete?' Brian asked.

'Some old friends of yours.' Wisdom explained as he brought up the pictures of the last two heroes. 'Lady Helen Thomas, and Gwen Hughes, also known as Lionheart and Captain Cymru.'

'I thought Lady Helen retired.' Brian tapped his chin in thought.

'She just retired from active service with the Avengers.' Wisdom said. 'She's mostly concentrating on Oxford now.' The British mutant then started to chuckle. 'I heard ol' Stark was the first to wish her luck in Oxford.'

'I don't blame him.' Brian chuckled. 'She flirted with Stark the whole time she was on the team. I know Lady Helen. She can be forward.'

'What about Gwen?' Brian asked. 'I already asked whether she wanted to join Excalibur, remember?'

'It's not a permanent service, mate.' Wisdom told him. 'This lot're just going to be reserve members. You know how it goes, if one of the core members is unavailable, they step in to take their place for the duration.'

'Well, I can see you've thought this all through.' Brian nodded.

'You up for a road trip, mate?' Wisdom grinned. 'You want to ride shotgun?'

'Yeah, sure.' Brian nodded. 'But tell me just one thing first… Why is John Lennon on the list of names? Excuse me for being naïve, but hasn't he been dead for twenty-odd years?'

'That's John the Skrull.' Wisdom explained. 'He was part of an aborted Skrull invasion in the Sixties. The plan was to take the place of the Beatles. John decided to stay once the rest of the Skrull Fab Four got called back. He's an old mate of mine as a matter of fact. Got a Kree girlfriend named _Boko_, believe it or not.'

Brian just shook his head at that. Pete Wisdom sure seemed to have some odd friends.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Siryn's Big News**

_Captain Britain and Pete Wisdom go off in search of ne members for the team. Meanwhile, will Siryn be able to pluck up the courage to tell Jamie her news? Tune in next time to find out…_


	32. Siryn's Big News: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 32: Siryn's Big News- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

_

* * *

_

'_I'm having an old friend for dinner.'_**- Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) **

* * *

**Carter's Parking Garage, Oxford-**

'How many times have I got to tell you, Billy? I don't like people selling drugs in my city. You know that kind of thing makes me angry.'

The blonde-haired heroine holding Billy upside-down over the edge of the parking garage by his foot dangled him over further. The heroine was Lady Helen Thomas, the former member of the Avengers known as Lionheart. Dressed in her blue uniform with a golden lion on the chest, white boots and gloves, and a mask decorated with a Union Jack pattern, she was dispensing justice in her own inimitable way.

'Oh, God. Oh, God…' Billy whimpered in fear. 'I don't wanna die…'

'Then you should have listened to me the last time we had a little talk.' Lionheart explained. 'Or did I hit you too hard and you forget?'

'Please…' Billy begged her. 'I don't want to die…'

'I heard you the first time, Billy.' Lionheart rolled her eyes behind her mask. 'You're a big man, and you're out of shape. To tell you the truth, my arm's getting kind of tired. Now, are you going to promise that you won't deal drugs anymore, or will I have to take you skydiving without a parachute?'

'Please… anything.' Billy sobbed. 'Just let me go…'

'Bad choice of words, mate…' Pete Wisdom snickered as he lit up a cigarette. 'Not really something you'd want to say to the lady holding you upside-down, is it?'

'You do know that this place isn't a designated smoking spot, right?' Lionheart reminded the dark-haired man. 'You can't just light up willy-nilly.'

'Like I care.' Wisdom shrugged as he took a puff of his cigarette. 'Not like I can get arrested for it. I work for the government, got diplomatic immunity and all that bollocks.'

'Just put the cigarette out, Peter.' Captain Britain sighed. 'We get enough trouble without having you being arrested for lighting up outside.'

Pete Wisdom dropped his freshly-lit cigarette on the floor and extinguished it underneath the heel of his shoe.

'I suppose I'd better cut to the chase, then…' Wisdom sighed. 'Lionheart, we've got a job opportunity for you. We want you to join MI:13.'

'MI-what now?' Lionheart blinked.

'It's like MI5.' Captain Britain explained. 'But we deal with superhuman matters, alien invasions, things like that.'

'Thank God for that…' Lionheart let out a sigh of relief as she let go of Billy's foot.

'_Ahhhhh!_' Billy screamed as he plummeted to the ground. Fortunately for him, there was a tree that broke his fall.

'I was getting sick of beating up drug dealers and muggers all the time.' Lionheart admitted to the other two heroes.

'You did know that there was a tree there to break that man's fall, didn't you?' Captain Britain asked.

'Yeah, of course I did.' Lionheart snorted in derision. 'What, do you think I'm some sort of bloody psycho like that Punisher bloke? Give me a break.'

* * *

**HYDRA Safe House #235-B, Liverpool-**

'Hail HYDRA! Cut off one head and two more will take its place!'

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

The loudmouthed Agent of HYDRA was silence by three bullets to the chest.

'Heh. I never get tired of doing that.' The British hero known as Union Jack grinned as he opened fire on more HYDRA agents. 'Sometimes it does a body good to kill a bunch of random goons, you know?'

'It feels wrong, yet so right.' Spitfire, Union Jack's companion, a blonde lady wearing a yellow outfit and a red eye mask, grinned as she dashed around the HYDRA agents, snatching away their weapons. 'Everything feels fine with the world when you're taking out people like these idiots.'

'You'd think they'd know better than to set up shop in the middle of Liverpool.' Union Jack chuckled as he ducked behind some barrels to reload.

'Liverpool is the City of Culture, after all.' Spitfire pointed out. 'God knows why, though.'

'Heh. Tell me about it.' Union Jack smirked as he dove out from behind the barrels and opened got ready to take down more agents, only to find them already taken care of. 'Oh, that's no fun at all.'

'There's no need to thank us or anything.' Pete Wisdom tutted as he rolled over a dead HYDRA agent with his foot. 'I just thought I'd come by and see what some old mates're up to.'

'What do you really want, Wisdom?' Union Jack sighed as he holstered his guns. 'Don't you government types know how to use the phone?'

'Joey, be nice.' Spitfire admonished her companion. 'Wisdom and Captain Britain were kind enough to travel all the way here to see us, so the least we could do is listen to what they have to say.'

'We're here to offer you a place with us working for MI:13.' Captain Britain explained. 'It's nothing mandatory, mind you. We aren't going to lock you up if you turn us down.'

'I'd love to serve Queen and Country, and all that, but I'm too busy as it is.' Union Jack explained. 'You know, team-ups with Captain America, and what have you. I'm sure Jackie'll love to join you, though.'

'Spitfire, are you up for it?' Captain Britain asked the blonde heroine.

Spitfire grabbed Captain Britain's hand and shook it with a grin.

'Sure, where do I sign?'

* * *

**The Lake House, London-**

While Captain Britain and Pete Wisdom were doing their thing recruiting new members, Theresa Cassidy was looking for Jamie Madrox. Her little girl talk with Meggan had convinced that the sooner she told Jamie that she was carrying his child, the easier it would be in the meantime. **(1)**

Theresa stopped in the hallway when she saw Layla Miller sitting on the stairway reading a book.

'Jamie's in the living room watching the TV.' The strange blonde girl explained. 'He's waiting to watch _Top Gear _on Dave, but he's already missed it. It's being repeated an hour later on Dave +1, though.' **(2)**

'How did you know that?' Theresa asked.

'I read the TV listings.' Layla shrugged nonchalantly. 'Plus, I know stuff.'

Theresa just shook her head and headed on to the living room. Layla Miller sure was one strange little girl. Sure enough, there Jamie laid on the couch.

'Jamie, can I have a word with you?' The Irish redhead asked as she walked into the living room.

'Sure, Terry.' Jamie responded, not even looking away from the television. 'Just as soon as this show'sfinished, okay?'

'Jamie, this is important.' Theresa sighed as she sat down beside Jamie. 'It's about that night we first spent together…'

'Uh-huh. Sure.' Jamie nodded, not paying the tiniest bit of notice to the pretty Irish redhead beside him.

Theresa frowned angrily. There was only one way she could get any sense of Jamie.

'_Jamie Madrox! Look at me when I'm talkin' to ye!_'

Jamie jumped slightly at the sound of Theresa's raised voice.

'That's better.' The second-generation mutant smiled in satisfaction. 'Now, about that first night we spent together…'

'The one when I was drunk?' Jamie recalled.

'Yes, that one.' Theresa sighed. She really wanted to get it over and done with. Jamie really wasn't helping with all his interruptions. 'Jamie, I'm pregnant.'

The revelation barely seemed to register on Jamie's face. Then a smile slowly began to spread on his face.

'Oh yeah, great joke, Terry.' Jamie laughed. 'You're such a kidder. You're not _really_ pregnant… are you?'

Theresa just glowered back at Jamie.

'Ooh, you're serious.' Jamie grimaced. 'And I'm not helping, am I?'

'No, you're not.' The Irishwoman glared. 'I am deathly serious. I am pregnant with your child, Jamie Madrox.'

'Does your father know?' Jamie asked.

'He's the next person I'm going to tell.' Theresa explained. 'Which is why I came to see you. We're going to see him together.'

'Are you sure that's a wise idea?' Jamie grimaced. 'I mean, what'll he do to me once he finds out that I impregnated his only daughter?' A shiver went down his spine as his mind formed the image of him standing at the altar with Terry, a furious Sean Cassidy holding a shotgun to his back.

'My dad isn't some monster that goes around eating prospective boyfriends.' Theresa smiled slightly. 'You've got nothing to be scared of, Jamie. I'm sure he'll be fine about the whole thing… I hope.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Siryn's Big News: Part 2**

_Siryn and Madrox pay the X-Men a visit to tell Banshee the news. Meanwhile, Captain Britain and Pete Wisdom continue with their recruitment drive._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Theresa had her girl talk with Meggan in the last chapter._

**(2)- **_Yes, we really do have a TV channel in Britain called Dave._


	33. Siryn's Big News: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 33: Siryn's Big News- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

Sean Cassidy was woken from his slumber by the sound of jet engines outside.

'What the bloody…?' Sean grumbled as she rubbed his eyes and peered outside the window.

'Sean, what is it?' Moira MacTaggart yawned as she sat up in bed. 'S'most probably one o' the Blackbirds comin' back from a mission.'

'But nobody's off on a mission.' Sean explained. 'Everybody's here.'

Moira headed over to the window and peered outside as well.

'Oh, it's the Midnight Runner.' The Scottish geneticist realised. 'I wonder what Brian wants.'

'They could have at least called in advance.' Sean grumbled as he pulled on a robe.

'Unless it's an emergency and they didn't have enough time to tell us about it.' Moira said as she put on her own robe. 'I wonder what it could all be about…'

* * *

**Outside-**

Sean and Moira ran outside to see what had called Excalibur to the Xavier Institute. However, not all of the members of Britain's very own superhero team were there. It was only Theresa and Jamie that had travelled over from London.

'Terry, what's the matter?' Sean asked his daughter concernedly. 'Where's everybody else?'

'It's only me and Jamie, Da'.' Terry told her father. 'it kind fo concerns the both of us.'

'Then ye'd better come on in, lass.' Moira ushered the pair inside. 'Let's get ye in out of the cold.'

'Aye, ye most probably woke up the rest of the Institute with all the noise.' Sean nodded. 'We'd better get inside before Logan comes out here and gives ye a mouthful f'r interruptin' his beauty sleep.'

'God knows he needs it.' Jamie quipped as he followed everybody inside.

* * *

**Inside-**

Terry and Jamie had now gathered in the kitchen. They were sitting at the table with Sean while Moira made some coffee.

'Now, are ye sure that ye wilnae have any coffee?' Moira offered. 'It's fresh.'

'No offence, Moira. But I've heard stories about yuir coffee.' Terry responded. 'Is it really true that Brian used to use it tae clean out the Midnight Runner's engines?'

'Och, 'tis nothing but slanderous lies.' Moira rolled her eyes as she poured out the coffee. 'I blame that bloody Wisdom. We never got along.'

'I heard that you once spilled a pot of your coffee and the Muir Island Research Centre had to be evacuated for a week.' Jamie snickered.

'Oh, now yuir just makin' it up.' Moira shook her head. 'Now, what was so important that ye couldnae phone us?'

'Well, that's kind of it…' Terry wrung her hands nervously. 'It's too important to tell ye over the phone.'

'Terry, ye can tell us anything.' Sean reassured his daughter. 'Anything at all. There's no need to be shy.'

Jamie put a comforting hand on top of Terry's. The redheaded Irishwoman took a deep breath before she told her father the big news.

'I'm pregnant.'

Terry looked at Sean's face half-expecting him to hit the roof, but he seemed deceptively calm.

'Da', what's wrong?' The redhead enquired. 'Say something, please.'

It was Moira who chose to break the silence.

'Yuir pregnant? Why, that's wonderful news!' Moira grinned as she gave Terry a big hug. 'I take it that Jamie's the father?'

'Aye, the baby is Jamie's.' Terry nodded.

'Well then, Sean. Are ye no' going to congratulate yuir daughter?' Moira asked as she prodded her lover's shoulder.

'Aye, it's wonderful news.' Sean eventually smiled, much to Terry and Jamie's relief.

'Aren't you mad?' Jamie asked. 'You know, after what I did.'

'Theresa is a grown woman, lad.' Sean told him. 'If she wants tae have a child, then who am I to stop her? I'm happy as long as she is. I trust that yuir going to do the honourable thing, though.'

'Da', please.' Terry sighed. 'If Jamie and I do get married, I want it to be because we love each other, not because he knocked me up.'

'We're just happy as long as you are.' Moira smiled. 'I think this calls for a celebration.'

'Don't you think it's kind of early to break out the champagne?' Jamie asked. 'Not to mention that Terry's tee-total, and she shouldn't be drinking in her condition.'

'Not tae mention that both she and I have had issues with the creature...' Sean reminded Moira.

'Oh Jamie, yuir so cute when ye worry.' Terry cooed as she kissed her lover on the cheek. 'We can all have a drink to celebrate once the baby's born, yeah?'

Jamie couldn't help but laugh at that.

'Heh. Like the X-Men ever needed an excuse to party.'

* * *

**Cardiff-**

Once again. The city of Cardiff was in disarray. The goblin-riding villain known as the Hobgoblin had rather foolishly chosen to try and rob a bank, ignorant of the fact Cardiff had its very own protector: Captain Cymru!

'The game's up, Hobgoblin!' Captain Cymru told the villain. 'Give up now before I have to get nasty.'

'Au contraire, my dear.' Hobgoblin laughed. 'The game is only beginning. I didn't come here alone. Have you met my friend, the Rhino?'

'Gonna pound you into mush!' The Rhino yelled as he charged towards the Welsh heroine.

'You Americans do have such a way with words.' Captain Cymru chuckled as she dug her heels into the ground.

_**KRAKOOM!!**_

The Rhino charged into Captain Cymru with such force that it created a massive furrow all the way down the street. Fortunately, the heroine was unharmed. She was superhumanly durable as well as strong.

'Is that all you've got?' Captain Cymru laughed at the horned villain. 'Bloody hell. No wonder Spider-Man always beats you.'

'_**DON'T LAUGH AT ME!!**_' The Rhino roared. _**'I'LL CRUSH YOU!! I'LL TEAR YOU APART!!**_'

'You might want to have that temper seen to first, boyo.' Captain Cymru smirked. 'Don't want to give yourself a heart attack you know.'

'_**RRRAAAAAGHH!!**_' The Rhino roared once more as he charged at his foe.

Unknown to the thick-skinned villain, he was heading straight towards Cardiff Bay. Captain Cymru simply stepped to one side and watched the villain run straight into the water of the bay.

_**SPLASH!**_

'You really should look before you leap.' Captain Cymru laughed.

'Ack! Help!' The rhino spluttered as he flailed around in the water. 'I can't swim! _I can't swim!_'

'You take care of the Rhino, and I'll make sure Hobgoblin doesn't get away.' A kind voice offered. It was the Black Knight, sword-wielding former Avenger.

'I never was one to turn down an offer of help.' Captain Cymru nodded as she dived into the bay to help the Rhino.

Back on dry land, the Black Knight unsteathed his sword and stood ready to face the Hobgoblin.

'I see that the fair captain wasn't alone either.' Hobgoblin stated. 'No matter. It just means that I will have to kill her after I have finished with you.'

'You should have known better than try your luck in Cardiff, Hobgoblin.' Black Knight retorted. 'Captain Cymru doesn't take kindly to villains robbing banks in her city. You should have stayed in New York and let Spider-Man kick your butt instead.'

'Silence, fool!' Hobgoblin snarled. 'You'll soon learn once you feel the power of my Pumpkin Bombs!'

Hobgoblin reached into his carry pouch and tossed a Pumpkin Bomb right at the Black Knight. Fortunately, the sword-wielding hero was ready and swung his sword, hitting the bomb right at the person that threw it.

'Oh, dear…'

_**KABOOM!**_

The Pumpkin Bomb exploded in Hobgoblin's face, sending him crashing down to the ground.

'Well, that was another good day's work.' Captain Cymru said as she dusted off her hands.

'How's Rhino?' Black Knight enquired.

'He'll be fine.' Captain Cymru responded. 'He's swallowed half of Cardiff Bay, but he'll live. What are you doing in Cardiff anyway? Not that I don't appreciate the help or anything…'

'I was in town.' Black Knight explained. 'I heard about the bank robbery on the radio and I decided to come help.'

Captain Cymru was about to thank Black Knight again for his help but was cut short when a jet-shaped object appeared in the skies above their heads.

'I guess we've got company.' Black Knight surmised. 'That's the Midnight Runner, right? You know, Excalibur's jet?'

'There are a couple of Midnight Runners.' Captain Cymru explained. 'But yes, that must be somebody from Excalibur in there. Don't know what they want, mind you.'

Two figures stepped out from the Midnight Runner, Captain Britain and Pete Wisdom.

'Well, it looks like somebody had fun.' Wisdom notted as he surveyed the aftermath of the battle. 'Pity we couldn't have got here earlier. I was looking forward to a good fight.'

'What're you doing here, Wisdom?' Captain Cymru sighed. 'I told you once before, I don't have time to join up with Excalibur. I have to take care of Cardiff. It's not like anybody else is going to do it.'

'We came here to talk to Black Knight, actually.' Captain Britain explained. 'We're on a bit of a recruitment drive, you see.'

'You want me to join Excalibur?' Black Knight blinked in surprise. 'You guys do know that I'm not British, right?'

'Don't matter, me old mate.' Wisdom responded. 'Excalibur was never about only recruiting Brits. So, what about it? You wanna sign up?'

'Well, it's not like I've got anything better to do.' Black Knight shrugged. 'When do I start?'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: The Lion, The Spitfire, And The Knight**

_Lionheart, Spitfire, and Black Knight face quite an eventful first mission with Excalibur. The Nasty Boys are in town and they don't intend on seeing the sights!_


	34. Nasty Goings On: Part 1

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 34: Nasty Goings On- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**BBC Television Centre, London-**

People were bustling around Studio 5 of the BBC Television centre. Zoe McCrimmon, the BBC's star chat show host, had some very special guests on her show. Zoe was interviewing the newest members of Excalibur: Lionheart, Spitfire, and Black Knight. Excalibur preferred to give Zoe their exclusives, even when she was working for the distinguished competition. The BBC had paid quite an impressive sum to tempt Zoe to come work for them.

The trio of heroes were sitting in the green room while they waited for their moment in front of the cameras. Zoe's people had paid no expense to make sure that the guests were comfortable. There was champagne and chocolate aplenty, not to mention all the cheesy snacks that they could eat.

'Mmm, I just can't get enough of these cheese things.' Dane grinned as he dug his hand into the bowl. 'I'll have to ask Meggan if we've got any.'

'This champagne isn't to be sneezed at either.' Lady Helen Thomas agreed as she poured herself another glass. 'You'd think that we'd be fobbed off with some horrible grotty stuff from the nearest offy, but the Beeb has really surpassed itself this time.'

'Are you sure you're supposed to be a lady?' Jacqueline Falsworth enquired. 'You sure don't act like one.'

'Not every lady acts all prim and proper.' Lady Helen pointed out. 'I was never the simpering sort anyway. My mum was a bit of a hippy, so my upbringing didn't really conform to all that ladylike guff. My dad was the strict one, but he was always away on business. That left my mum to bring me up as she saw fit.'

'This must have been quite a coup for the BBC.' Dane said, swiftly changing the subject. 'I mean, have they ever had superheroes appear on their chat shows?'

'I hear this Zoe person is a close personal friend of Meggan's.' Jacqueline remembered. 'Meggan told me that she once saved Zoe's life after she got caught in a bank robbery gone wrong. They became good friends after that.'

'Well, that's just lovely.' Lady Helen rolled her eyes as she downed the rest of her champagne. 'It's all bunnies and sunflowers.'

'Don't you think you've had enough champagne?' Jacqueline frowned.

'I can handle it.' Lady Helen snorted. 'It's not like I'm gonna make an exhibition of myself on live telly.'

'I think you'd better give it a rest just to make sure.' Jacqueline advised her. 'You can drink as much as you want after the show.'

A blonde-haired woman, Zoe's assistant, then poked her head around the door of the green room.

'Sorry to interrupt you…' The lady smiled sweetly. 'But we're ready for you on the studio floor.'

'Well, I guess this is our moment in the limelight.' Dane said as he got up from the comfy sofa. 'Come on, guys. Let's give the people what they want…'

**

* * *

**

**A little while later-**

The three heroes were now sitting in the studio in front of a live audience. Dane was an old hand at this sort of thing. It happened all the time when he was with the Avengers.

'I must say that it's a real honour to have one of the actual Avengers on the show.' Zoe grinned happily. 'No offence meant, of course.'

'Oh, none taken I can assure you.' Lady Helen rolled her eyes. The former Avenger sat back on her chair with her arms crossed, looking completely bored.

'It's great to be on your show, Zoe.' Jacqueline said, inspiring Lady Helen's pouting. 'I'm a big fan.'

'So, how did Captain Britain convince you to join Excalibur?' Zoe enquired. 'Did he put a notice in the paper?'

'I just happened to be in Cardiff when Captain Britain was recruiting for new team members.' Dane explained. 'Captain Cymru declined to join. She had to stay and take care of Cardiff.'

'I was doing some work in Liverpool when he called me up.' Jacqueline explained. 'I would tell you what it was all about, but then I'd have to kill you. It was all hush-hush and top secret.'

'I was beating up some drug dealers in Oxford.' Lady Helen shrugged. 'I got bored with fighting the same old losers, so I decided for a change.'

'Then what about Oxford?' Zoe asked. 'Aren't you leaving it undefended?'

'All the most dangerous criminals are locked up in jail.' Lady Helen said. 'I'm sure Oxford's finest can handle the rest. It's not like they need a superhero taking the credit for all their hard work.'

'What if those criminals that you apprehended end up breaking out of jail?' Zoe countered. 'Will the police be able to handle them then?'

'I don't think those criminals are in a fit enough state to break after jail.' Lady Helen smirked under her mask. 'Not after the kicking I gave them.'

Zoe's blonde-haired assistant then ran up and whispered in her boss's ear.

'Okay. I'll tell everyone.' Zoe nodded as she got up to her feet and turned to regard the audience. 'Ladies and gentlemen, there's no need top be alarmed, but my assistant has just told me that several super powered villains are causing trouble in Piccadilly Circus. I can assure you that you are perfectly safe here, so please, remain in your seats for the time being.'

'I guess that's our signal to get to work.' Dane announced as he too got to his feet.

'Shouldn't we tell Meggan and the others about this first?' Jacqueline asked. 'We don't even know who it is that's causing the trouble.'

'No need to bother them just yet.' Lady Helen responded. 'I'm sure the three of us can handle whoever it is that causing all the fuss. Now come on, what are you waiting for? Let's get to work!'

* * *

**Piccadilly Circus-**

Piccadilly Circus was in quite a state. There were crashed vehicles and smashed up buildings all over the place. The gang behind all the trouble was known as the Nasty Boys, sometime enemies of the X-Men. Ruckus, the leader, had the ability to absorb sound waves and send them back whence they came as a sonic scream. Gorgeous George had a tar-like body that he could stretch and shape in any way he wished. Hairbag was covered in fur and had razor-sharp claws and super-human strength. Ramrod could transmute anything made of wood or plant fibres, and often carried a wooden staff for this very reason. Finally was Slab, who could expand his body and mass to become inhumanly strong and resilient.

'Haw! To think you said this trip wuz gonna be boring!' Slab laughed as he kicked over an abandoned double-decker bus.

'There's nothing that livens up a boring vacation like a little bit of the old ultra-violence, mate.' Gorgeous George grinned as he tore a lamppost from the ground and used it like a makeshift baseball bat, smashing up the side of a nearby building.

'We shoulda come here sooner.' Ramrod agreed as he used his powers to summon plant roots from the ground to bind some hapless tourists that had gotten in the way. 'Hairbag, the collateral damage is all yours!'

'About time too.' The furry feral villain grinned as he bounded towards the captive tourists.

_**CHOOM!**_

A blast of energy hit Hairbag square in the chest, sending him crashing into a neon sign.

'What the…?' Gorgeous George blinked in confusion. 'Who's trying to be a hero?'

'That would be us!' Lionheart exclaimed as she flew down to the ground alongside her two teammates.

'I don't know who you are babe, but you're going to regret that you crossed the Nasty Boys.' Ruckus frowned.

Spitfire and the others weren't impressed in the least.

'Who the bloody hell are the Nasty Boys?' The veteran heroine blinked.

'I think they're some obscure villains the X-Men used to fight years ago.' Black Knight guessed. 'I've never heard of them either.'

'I don't matter who ain't heard of who!' Slab growled. 'We're gonna tear you to shreds!'

'You're welcome to try, ugly!' Lionheart grinned. 'So, what are you waiting for? Bring it on, you great big nancy!'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Nasty Goings On- Part 2**

_Will our three heroes be able to defeat the Nasty Boys? Will there be anything left of Piccadilly Circus when they do? Tune in next time to find out…_


	35. Nasty Goings On: Part 2

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 35: Nasty Goings On- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**Piccadilly Circus-**

'Bring it on, you great big nancy!' Lionheart challenged Ramrod of the Nasty Boys. 'Or are you scared of a real challenge?'

'I'll show you who's the scared one!' Ramrod retorted as he used his wood-transmuting powers to conjure up grabbing roots from the ground. 'Let's see how you handle being torn limb from limb!'

'Oh, give over!' Lionheart snorted in derision as she easily tore apart the grabbing roots. 'Did you seriously think that these poxy little things could keep me down!' The heroine grinned as she blasted Ramrod off his feet with an energy blast from her hand.

_**CHOOM!**_

'Heh. I could beat up these idiots all day.' Lionheart smirked. 'They're fun to hit.'

'Don't get cocky.' The Black Knight warned his teammate. 'We might not have heard of them, but the Nasty Boys are called nasty for a reason.'

'Too right, mate.' Gorgeous George grinned as he wrapped the former Avenger in his pliable arms. 'Now I'm gonna crush you into paste!'

'You really shouldn't try to squeeze somebody who carries a great big sword.' The Black Knight quipped as he stabbed the stretchy villain in the arm.

'Nice try, hero.' Gorgeous George smirked as the wound in his arm began to heal. 'Is that the best you've got?'

'Perhaps I might be of some service…' Spitfire offered as she dashed straight towards Gorgeous George and tore straight through his flexible body, splattering him all over.

_**BLORTCH!**_

'Thanks for the assist, Spitfire.' The Black Knight nodded in gratitude. 'How about I help you with your bad guy?'

'By all means, help yourself.' Spitfire waved the former Avenger onwards. 'Have fun.'

'I'm gonna smash you all!' Slab roared as he charged at the Black Knight.

'You're welcome to try.' The Black Knight countered as he ducked out of the way and stuck his foot out, tripping up Slab and sending him tumbling down the steps of a nearby subway.

With all the other Nasty Boys taken care of, all that remained was Ruckus.

'Then there was one.' Lionheart smirked under her mask as she advanced on the villain. 'Have you got any last words before we kick your teeth in?'

Ruckus simply held his hands up above his head in surrender.

'It's a fair cop. I'll come along quietly.'

'You're no fun.' Lionheart rolled her eyes as she set about restraining Ruckus. 'I don't know what the fuss is all about this lot.'

'They're not exactly Magneto and the Brotherhood of Mutants, are they?' Spitfire agreed as she restrained the other members of the Nasty Boys.

'Well, I'd call that a good day's work.' The Black Knight said as he surveyed the defeated villains. 'We appeared on TV and we beat up some bad guys. Things couldn't be any better.'

'I don't know about you, but I fancy a drink.' Lionheart suggested. 'What do you say, pub?'

'Pub.' Spitfire nodded in agreement. 'The first round's on me.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

In a top secret location somewhere in Manchester, scientists were busying themselves with what seemed to be the remains of a giant monstrous worm. Said worm was actually a legendary beast known as the Lambton Worm. Captain Britain and the Welsh heroine known as Captain Cymru had teamed up to defeat the monster when Morgan Le Fey unleashed it upon Cardiff several years ago. The remains had looked after by the Welsh branch of MI-13 before being transferred to Britain itself.

'Uch. The stench of this thing.' One scientist grimaced as he waved his hand in front of his face. 'Can't we do something about the smell?'

'I don't mind the smell.' A second scientist shrugged.

'You wouldn't.' Scientist Number 1 rolled his eyes. 'You can't enjoy yourself unless your up to your elbows in the remains of some mysterious beast.'

'Wait a minute…' A third scientist frowned. 'That can't be right… The machines just picked up a flicker of life in this thing.'

'It's just a glitch.' Scientist Number 1 sighed. 'You know the machinery the government gives us is antiquated.'

'No, I mean it.' Scientist Number 3 insisted as he indicated the monitor screen he was looking at. 'Take a look! Stewart warned us that it was foolish to remove the subject from cryogenic storage.'

'Alistair Stewart is a fool!' Scientist Number 1 snorted in derision. 'He thinks he is so high-and-mighty because he has a cushy government job. If it wasn't for us…'

'Shut up a minute and look at this thing!' Scientist Number 2 told him. 'It's… growing?!'

'My God, it's beautiful.' Scientist Number 1 gazed up in amazement as the remains of the worm creature began to regenerate.

'We have to do something!' Scientist Number 3 yelled. 'We have to abort the experiment right now!'

'What are you doing, you fool?' Scientist Number 1 snapped as he slapped his companion. 'We can't destroy the subject now. Just think what we would be able to do with a creature like this!'

'You're insane!' Scientist Number 2 yelled. 'You're going to kill us all!'

'I don't think he's the one that's going to kill us…' Scientist Number 3 winced as he indicated the fully formed Lambton Worm behind the glass view screen.

The giant worm started to pound the screen with its head in an attempt to get at the delicious humans on the other side.

_**DOOM! DOOM! **_

'We have to get out of here!' Scientist Number 2 screamed. Unfortunately, the scientists never made it out of the lab as the Lambton Worm came crashing through the screen.

_**CRASH!**_

The first one to die was Scientist Number 1. He was crushed as the worm came through the screen. Scientist Number 2 was next as the worm gulped him down whole.

Scientist Number 3 went for a gun and tried to shoot at the giant worm.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Click-click-click!**_

The scientist emptied the gun of its bullets, barely making a scratch on the giant worm. The monstrous creature lashed out and bit the poor scientist in half before making its escape through another wall.

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: The Worm That Ate Manchester**

_It's up to Excalibur to halt the Lambton Worm's rampage through Manchester. _


	36. The Worm That Ate Manchester

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 36: The Worm That Ate Manchester**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**Old Trafford football ground, Manchester-**

The home ground of Manchester United football club was a hive of activity. They were playing against their rivals Manchester City. The game was in full swing as each side's fans cheered on their favourite players. That was until the stadium was shaken by a colossal rumbling.

'Bloody hell! It's an earthquake!' One of the fans yelped in surprise.

Unfortunately, an earthquake wasn't responsible for the rumbling. The culprit soon showed itself as it burst through the turf of the football pitch. The Lambton Worm had escaped from a top secret laboratory somewhere in Manchester, and was on a rampage.

The spectators ran for their lives as the giant worm gobbled up on of the Manchester City players.

'Heh. Looks like the thing supports United.' One of the Manchester United fans grinned as he stopped running to watch the creature feast. 'Go on, my son!'

The giant limbless beast turned to regard the cheering United fan. The man's face fell once he realised what was about to happen.

'Oh, bugger.'

_**CHOMP!**_

With the jeering fan consumed, the giant serpent continued its search for fresh meat. The creature was so consumed with its search for sustenance that it didn't even notice a black aircraft flying above the stadium.

'There's a giant worm on the loose, and here I am without my fishing gear.' Strong Guy quipped as he and the rest of Excalibur got ready to disembark from the Midnight Runner.

'Now isn't the time for jokes, Guido.' Captain Britain told his teammate. 'People are in danger down there.'

'Why not let the thing smash the place up a bit?' Lionheart suggested. 'Those arrogant buggers could do with being taken down a peg or two.'

'We have to help, no matter our feelings about the home team.' Captain Britain pointed out. 'Besides, your favourite team aren't exactly innocent. Do I need to remind you about all that controversy about Arsenal players taking dives a while ago?'

'That's a low blow, Cap.' Lionheart glowered at the team's leader. 'Let's just get down there and beat this thing, yeah?'

'Right, let's get to it.' Captain Britain told his team. 'Let's make this nice and clean. Protecting civilians is a priority.

Excalibur didn't need to be told twice as they disembarked from the Midnight Runner. Those that could fly carried those that couldn't as Wisdom brought the jet down for a landing.

The Black Knight was the first to attack as he landed on the Lambton Worm, stabbing it with its sword. Needless to say, the creature wasn't best pleased.

'_**SCREEEEE!'**_

'Okay, I don't think that's helping.' The former Avenger noted as the sword wound he had dealt the creature soon healed itself. 'Any suggestions?'

'Keep cutting!' Captain Britain ordered quickly, pitching a bench at the Worm. 'The more we carve this thing up, the longer it will take to heal.'

'Easy for you to say, Cap.' Forge grimaced as he ducked a swipe from the creature's tail. The mutant inventor pulled out a blaster of his own design and started shooting at it. 'How are we going to get a clean shot at the thing? It keeps healing too quickly.'

'I got an idea…' Strong Guy offered as he grabbed the creature by the tail.

'Guido, no!' Meggan yelled as the Lambton Worm sent the super-strong mutant sailing into the commentary box with a flick of its tail. 'Oh, dear…'

'Nothing we're doing is even scratching this bloody thing!' Lionheart yelled as she blasted the creature with an energy blast from her hands. 'Persistent little bugger, aren't you?'

'I think I have an idea…' Amora suggested. 'Dane, cut off the creature's tail…'

'I hope I know what you're doing.' The Black Knight said as he lopped off the giant serpent's tail, eliciting a screech of pain from the creature.

_**CHONK!**_

'Perhaps if I cauterise the wound…' The Enchantress thought out loud as she blasted the worm's stump of a tail with a burst of flame.

'That's doing it, Amora!' Spitfire grinned. 'Your fire blasts are stopping the creature from re-growing its tail!'

'Now, to finish this!' The Black Knight said as he swung his sword at the giant serpent, lopping off its head with one clean swipe. The Enchantress quickly cauterised the creature's wound with another burst of fire.

The team of heroes stood back as the Lambton Worm's death throws subsided. They may have defeated the creature, but it could have still dealt them a nasty whack if they got too close.

'Good work, team.' Captain Britain congratulated the group of heroes. 'It's a pity that Jamie and Theresa weren't here to see this.'

'You know how it is, dear.' Meggan told her husband with a smile. 'Theresa wanted to give birth to her child in more familiar grounds, so she and Jamie went back to Cassidy Keep in Ireland.'

'I'm surprised you didn't join them, Guido.' Forge looked at the powerhouse mutant.

'Eh, I'd only be a third wheel.' Strong Guy shrugged. 'Besides, I woulda missed out on all the action.'

'Like the way the giant worm whacked you with its tail and sent you flying?' Lionheart smirked. Strong Guy just glowered at that.

'Aww, shaddup.'

* * *

**The Lake House, later-**

Excalibur had arrived home from their mission to Manchester. Alistair Stewart had taken away the Lambton Worm's remains to make sure that they were destroyed properly this time.

'I can't believe you beat that bloody thing without me.' Wisdom groused as he walked through the corridor's of the Lake House. 'I finally find a decent parking space for the jet, and you lot have already taken care of Old Trafford's worm problem.'

'Aww, we'll let you have first shot at the giant beastie next time, Peter.' Meggan chuckled as she gave the scruffy Brit a comforting pat on the shoulder.

'Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to take a bath.' Forge sighed as he left the room. 'I've still got worm goo all over me.'

'I think I shall join you.' Amora smiled cheekily as she followed the mutant inventor.

'I'm going to check up on Lizzie.' Meggan said. 'Are you coming as well, love?'

'I'll be right along in a minute.' Brian answered. 'I just want to update some files on the computer first.'

Soon, all of the members of the team had gone their separate ways, leaving Wisdom on his own.

'Oh, bloody hell.' Wisdom sighed as he trudged towards his bedroom. 'It's times like this that I wish I never gave up the cigs. At least my smokes never left me hanging.' Wisdom pushed open the door to his bedroom and wearily trudged inside. He flopped down onto his bed and pulled off his shoes and jacket. 'How am I supposed to be an effective government liaison if the team doesn't bloody respect me?'

'Like that's ever bothered you.' Somebody purred as a pair of arms wound themselves around his waist.

'_Bloody hell!_' Wisdom yelped as he leaped up off his bed.

'Aww, aren't you happy to see me, lover?' The raven-haired woman grinned. Wisdom had been so tired that he didn't even notice the person-shaped lump in his bed.

'_Tink?!_' Wisdom spluttered in surprise. 'What the bloody hell are you doing here?'

'I think it's obvious, don't you?' Tink smirked as she grabbed Wisdom by the collar and pulled him close. 'Now, c'mere…'

'Peter, have you seen Lizzie's cuddly duck anywhere? Oh, my…' Meggan blushed as she walked up to the doorway. 'I didn't know you had company.'

'Well, aren't you going to introduce me?' Tink glowered at Wisdom. The scruffy Brit cleared his throat in embarrassment as he went about the introductions.

'Tink, this is Meggan. Meggan, this is Tink, my… wife.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: My Wife Is A Fairy**

_Pete Wisdom introduces Tink to the rest of the team._


	37. My Wife is a Fairy

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 37: My Wife Is A Fairy**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**The Lake House, Excalibur headquarters, London-**

The various members of the British superhero team known as Excalibur had gathered in the briefing room as soon as Meggan had told everybody that they had a guest. However, Tink hadn't only come to catch up with her estranged husband.

'There's something big brewing in MI:13.' The human-sized fairy stated. 'Everybody's been acting weird ever since the new boss joined up.'

'Wisdom, you never told us your missus was a fairy.' A snickering Lady Helen Thomas, aka Lionheart, teased. 'God, this stuff is bloody priceless. You couldn't make this stuff up even if you tried!'

'Oi! Pay attention!' Tink snapped as she turned to regard Lady Helen. 'Lady of the realm or not, I'm still going to kick your sodding head in if your interrupt me again! This news is of national importance.'

'Not to pick a fault with you love, but since when did you ever give a toss about national importance?' Pete Wisdom frowned. 'The last time we met you swore that you'd tear me a new one if I ever talked to you again. Since when were you a part of MI:13 again?'

'I came because I wanted to warn you about some serious trouble coming.' Tink explained. 'My concern for innocent people means more to me than your cheating arse.'

'Ooh, this gets better.' Strong Guy grinned. 'You were cheating on your wife, eh Wisdom?'

'Now really isn't the time.' Pete grimaced, rubbing his temple. 'Carry on, Tink. God, I'm starting to get a bloody headache. I need a cigarette.'

'This new boss that took charge, she's got the others under some sort of mind control.' Tink continued. 'Some blue crystal thing. I've never seen it before. I don't think it's magical in nature, otherwise I'd be under its control as well. John and Cerise are the only other ones unaffected. She's got them locked up in Crossmore.'

Meggan's face lit up as she remembered something she had seen on television.

'A blue crystal with mind controlling abilities?' The blonde metamorph smiled. 'Like the same sort of thing the Doctor found on Metebelis Three?' **(1)**

The others just stared blankly at her.

'Oh come on, I can't be the only one that remembers that episode.' Meggan sighed. 'The one with the giant maggots and Welsh stereotypes? No?' The elfin-eared heroine shook her head sadly. 'Sorry Tink, carry on.'

'About this mind control crystal…' Brian said. 'Why is it that you, John, and Cerise are the only ones unaffected?'

'I guess it only works on humans.' Tink shrugged. 'It doesn't work on me cos I'm one of the fairy folk. John and Cerise are both aliens.'

'Who else does this woman have under her control?' Amora enquired. Tink began to count people off her fingers.

'Let me see… She's got Union Jack, that Kylun kid, Micromax, Captain UK, Captain Cymru and that new Albion bloke.' Tink recounted. 'We have to get our fingers out or she's going to execute John and Cerise.'

'Then it looks like we have a rescue mission on our hands.' Brian nodded in understanding. 'We'll have to split up into two teams. I'll lead the rescue mission. Meggan, Amora, Guido, and Helen are with me. Pete, you take Tink, Forge, Dane, and Jackie to investigate this new woman that's in charge.'

'Are you sure it's wise to split up, Brian?' Dane enquired in concern. 'What if she tries to take control of us too?'

'Then don't let her.' Brian replied simply. 'Everybody ready? Then let's hop to it!'

* * *

**Crossmore Prison, later-**

Her Majesty's Ultimate Security Prison Crossmore was Britain's foremost metahuman containment facility. It housed top of the range technology to keep its many inmates subdued. From energy fields to psi-dampeners. One of the facility's most famous former inmates was the unstoppable Juggernaut after a defeat at the hands of the X-Men. **(2)**

Captain Britain's team materialised in a flash of light on the boundary of the land around the prison. They dare not teleport in any nearer in case the prison had any magical defences.

'Good work, Amora.' Captain Britain commended his Asgardian teammate. 'Now we just need to find a way inside.'

'Let's tear in there and smash the place to pieces!' Strong Guy grinned. 'I wanna make with the clobberin' already!'

'Guido, we can't.' Excalibur's leader shook his head. 'If we go in there all guns blazing, people could get caught in the crossfire, or the other prisoners might take the opportunity to make their own escape.'

'Perhaps an invisibility spell would work.' Amora suggested. 'We should be able to sneak through their magical defences, if they have any at all. We will be able to see each other, but will remain undetectable by any sensors nearby.'

'Sounds good to me.' Cap nodded in agreement.

The Enchantress waved her hands as she cast a spell upon the team that would wake them undetectable by the prison's sensors, be they technological or magical in nature.

'Ooh, tingly…' Strong Guy snickered.

'Not that I'm doubting your abilities Amora, but are you sure this will work?' Meggan blinked in concern.

'There's only one way to find out…' Captain Britain responded as he beckoned his team to follow him. Cap took to the air and flew over the wall of the prison. Meggan and Lionheart followed suit while the Enchantress used a levitation spell to carry herself and Strong Guy over the wall.

'So far so good.' Lionheart sighed in relief.

'Shush.' Meggan hushed her teammate. 'I can sense guards nearby. They have dogs too.'

'I hope them dogs can't smell us with that spell of yours doing its business.' Strong Guy winced. 'Or this is gonna be a real short mission.'

The team froze in their tracks as several guards walked straight past them. Their dogs didn't make a single sound. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief as they carried on inside.

'Where are we supposed to find our prisoners anyway?' Lionheart whispered.

'There's a wing of the prison set aside for extraterrestrial prisoners.' Captain Britain explained. 'We should be able to find them there.'

Strong Guy looked around nervously at his surroundings.

'What's the matter, Guido?' Meggan asked concernedly. 'You're not worried, are you?'

'I dunno what it is.' Strong Guy frowned. 'I got a real bad feeling about this.'

'Oh, don't worry too much.' Meggan reassured her teammate. 'What's the worst that could happen?'

* * *

**Westminster, meanwhile-**

While Captain Britain's team were sneaking into Crossmore prison, Wisdom's team had made their way to the MI:13 headquarters in Westminster. While the other team had masked their presence with magic, Wisdom's team had used technological means. Forge had supplied them all with personal cloaking devices.

'The head's office should just be at the end of this corridor.' Wisdom whispered to his teammates. 'We'll find out all the information that we need there.'

'Couldn't I just dash up there and grab the info we need?' Spitfire enquired. 'I could be there and back in seconds.'

'We don't even know what we're looking for.' Wisdom shook his head. 'Some kind of incriminating evidence against this new MI:13 boss.'

'Well, this is just bloody lovely.' Tink shook her head. 'You've led us into a death-trap, Wisdom. Well bloody done.'

'_You _were the one that came to us with the information.' Wisdom countered. 'I'm only acting on the information that you gave me.'

'Will you two stop bickering?' The Black Knight hissed in annoyance. 'You're going to blow our cover!'

Forge knelt down to inspect the door to the head of MI:13's office. There was a hi-tech scanning pad on the wall beside it.

'Standard palm print detector.' The mutant inventor stated. 'I should be able to bypass it without too much trouble.'

'Then get to it.' Wisdom ordered.. 'It's only a matter of time before somebody finds us.'

'Oh, ye of little faith…' Forge tutted as he went about bypassing the palm print reader. After several seconds, the door to the office opened with a buzz.

'Open sesame.' Forge smiled as he followed the team inside.

'I was wondering when you'd finally get here, Wisdom.' A feminine voice chuckled from the darkness.

'Courtney Ross.' Wisdom frowned as he recognised the woman's voice. 'You're a long way from Frazer's Bank, love.'

'What can I say?' Courtney grinned. 'I fancied a change in career.'

'Uh… how can she see us?' The Black Knight blinked in confusion as hiss hand went to the hilt of his sword. The former Avenger soon got his answer as he felt a gun barrel pressed against his back.

'Tech dampeners, mate.' A gun-toting guard stated. 'Your cloaking devices are useless.'

Spitfire looked around at her teammates.

'Well, I hope Brian and the others are having more luck than us.'

* * *

**Back at Crossmore prison-**

Captain Britain and the others managed to find the captive aliens without being seen by the guards.

'Lemmie smash down the cells for ya…' Strong Guy offered with a grin as he pulled his hand back for a massive punch.

'Guido, no!' Captain Britain hissed. 'We have to use stealth. We can't just tear the whole place apart.'

'Then why the hell am I here?' Strong Guy groused. 'What's the use of me being here if I can't start smashing stuff up?'

'Are you lot going to stand there chatting all night, or are you going to let us out of here?' John the Skrull asked. John was so-called because he was a Skrull that had taken the shape of the late Beatle John Lennon. He and three other Skrulls had been part of a proposed invasion in the Sixties. The plan was to take the place of the Fab Four, but the quartet of aliens discovered that they enjoyed life on Earth too much and went native.

'Calm yourself, John.' The Shi'Ar warrior known as Cerise reassured her fellow alien. 'Captain Britain and the others are doing their best to free us.'

'Taking their bloody time if you ask me.' John sniffed.

'An unlocking spell should just about do it…' The Enchantress said as she waved her hand across the lock on John's door. 'You are free now, John.'

'Not so fast, heroes.' A haughty voice commanded from the gantry above the team. 'We can't let you take the alien scum. Not alive at least.'

'Albion, I presume.' Captain Britain surmised.

'It's an honour to finally meet you, Captain.' The masked man only known as Albion nodded. 'Pity it will be a short one. Destroy them!'

Albion's companions, the other mind-controlled super humans, leapt in to attack. Strong Guy rubbed his hands in glee.

'About freaking time!'

**TBC…**

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**Next: It Hits the Fan**

_Will Captain Britain's team be able to defeat Albion and the other mind-controlled heroes? Will Wisdom's team be able to find out what the evil Courtney Ross is up to? Tune in next time to find out!_

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**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Doctor (in his third incarnation) picked up a blue crystal with mind control powers in the classic story _'The Green Death'.

**(2)- **_The Juggernaut was incarcerated for a short time in Crossmore prison after the events of _Uncanny X-Men #218.


	38. It Hits the Fan

**Uncanny Excalibur**

**Chapter 38: It Hits the Fan**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

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**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

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**Crossmore Prison-**

Captain Britain and the rest of Excalibur weren't having the best of days. Tink, Pete Wisdom's estranged wife, had come to the team with news that there was something sinister going on in MI:13, the branch of the British Secret Service that dealt with metahuman business. Apparently the new head of MI:13 had taken control of the organization and had used a mysterious blue crystal to control the minds of the other heroes. The crystal only worked on the human heroes, so the alien members of the Secret Service had been locked up and were to be executed. Captain Britain had led part of the team to free the alien heroes, while Wisdom took the remaining members of the team to Westminster to investigate their new boss.

Captain Britain was tangling with the mysterious hero known only as Albion.

'You have no hope of winning, Braddock.' Albion sneered as he struggled with Excalibur's leader.

'The bad guys always say that.' Captain Britain rolled his eyes. 'You really should come up with something a little more original.'

Cap slammed a fist into Albion's face, knocking off his opponent's mask. He stood back aghast at the sight of the other man's face. He was an exact copy of Captain Britain himself!

'Surprised to see my face?' Albion scowled as he wiped blood from his chin. 'The name's Bran Bardic, not that it'll help you.'

'Let's see if you have the same powers as me, shall we?' Captain Britain said as he grabbed his mind-controlled duplicate by the collar and smashed through the ceiling, taking to the skies above.

Strong Guy was dealing with Micromax, a former disk jockey with the mutant ability to change his shape.

'Wow, they really grow 'em big where you come from, don't they?' Strong Guy grunted as the giant Micromax tried to crush him beneath his boot, Strong Guy easily caught his enemy's foot and was struggling to tip him over. 'I kinda feel like I should crack a fat joke, but nothing's comin' to me right now. Man, I gotta work on some new material…'

'I'm going to grind you into mush!' Micromax hissed as he poured on the pressure. 'You might as well give up now. Die with some dignity.'

'Aww, I guess I've always been too dumb to know when I'm beat.' Strong Guy grimaced as he forced his opponent's foot upwards, sending him tumbling backwards.

Elsewhere, Lionheart and Amora were taking on Kylun and Captain Cymru, a master swordsman with the mutant ability to mimic any sound, and a Welsh counterpart of Captain Britain respectively.

'Die, witch!' Kylun yelled as he lashed out at the Enchantress with his swords. The young man obviously had some issues with magic users.

'I do not wish to hurt you, mortal.' Amora responded as she attempted to defend herself against her opponent's onslaught. 'But I will defend myself with deadly force if I must.'

'Then fight back!' Kylun retorted. 'Stop hiding behind your magic and fight me!'

'If you say so…' Amora responded as she sent a bolt of magic Kylun's way. The magic bolt impacted on Kylun's chest, sending him crashing against the wall. Unfortunately, Amora barely had time to celebrate her victory as Captain Cymru leapt at her, tackling the Asgardian sorceress to the ground. Thankfully, Lionheart was there to defend her teammate.

'I've been looking forward to this for a long time.' Lionheart hissed as she grabbed Captain Cymru by the hair and yanked her off her teammate. 'It's time to show you what the English used to do to the rest of you sheep-fiddlers back in the day!'

Captain Cymru lashed out with an elbow to the head, knocking Lionheart back. Obviously, Welsh jokes weren't the best of ideas right now.

'I'm going to rip your bloody head off for that!' Captain Cymru yelled as she went for Lionheart. Unknown to the Welsh heroine, Amora had recovered sufficiently from her beat down to launch another bolt of magic at her. The magic bolt hit Captain Cymru on the back, sending her falling right on top of Lionheart.

'I could have taken her.' Lionheart sniffed as she shoved the unconscious Captain Cymru away. Amora simply shook her head at that.

'Yes, I could see that you needed no help with the Welsh woman screaming bloody murder at you.'

Finally, Meggan was taking on Captain UK, another Captain Britain from an alternate reality. She and the Braddocks had known each other for a very long time, since Brian's early days as Captain Britain in fact.

'Come on, Linda…' Meggan implored her friend. 'I know you're in there. You're better than this.'

'The mistress wants you destroyed!' Captain UK retorted. 'So destroyed you shall be!'

Meggan really didn't want to fight her friend, but she knew there was nothing else she could do. The mind control seemed to be ingrained pretty deep, so she hoped that Pete Wisdom and his team soon found out a way to stop the mess.

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**Westminster-**

While Captain Britain's team were dealing with the mind-controlled heroes, Pete Wisdom and the others had to contend with Courtney Ross and her mind control crystal. The team had attempted to sneak into the MI:13 headquarters in Westminster, but Ms Ross had been ready for them. The heroes had been captured by her mind-controlled guards.

'You wasted your time coming here, Wisdom.' Courtney taunted the heroes. 'You're going to end up under my control, just like the rest of those weak-minded fools.'

'We're not going to give you the chance, you blonde tramp!' Tink snapped as she shrunk down to pixie size. The other members of the team followed suit and attacked their captors.

'Idiots!' Courtney yelled angrily. 'Stop them before they destroy my office! I just had it redecorated!' There was a way that Courtney could have won the fight instantly, by using her mind control crystal to bring the heroes under her control. The blonde woman scrabbled desperately for her magical mind control device, but it was nowhere to be found.

'Looking for this?' Spitfire grinned as she tossed the blue crystal about. 'What do you chaps say about a game of keep away?' The blonde-haired speedster tossed it to her teammates. Black Knight was the one to catch it.

'Now, time to end this little campaign of yours.' The former Avenger said as he tossed the crystal into the air and smashed it into pieces with his sword.

'No! You fool!' An incensed Courtney yelled. 'You've ruined it all!' The blonde woman went for a gun she had kept hidden under her desk. 'I'll kill you myself!'

Courtney never managed to get off a single shot as Wisdom blasted the gun out of her hands with one of his hot knives.

'It's over, Ms Ross.' Wisdom told the defeated woman. 'Give up now and save yourself the embarrassment.'

'I'll never surrender to the likes of you!' Courtney spat as she began to fade away. 'You will all pay for this!'

'Forge! Get her back!' Wisdom commanded the mutant inventor.

'No can do, Wisdom.' Forge apologized. 'The tech-dampeners are still messing with my equipment. She'll be miles away by the time I figure out a way to break the dampeners.'

'Well, at least we did what we came here to do.' Black Knight piped up. 'We beat the bad guy, and with that crystal destroyed everybody should return to normal.'

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**Back at Crossmore Prison-**

Sure enough, with the mind control crystal destroyed, all of the heroes under Courtney Ross's thrall returned to normal. There were plenty of apologies to go around from those heroes that had been forced to fight their friends.

'I can't tell you how sorry I am that I attacked you, miss.' Kylun apologised. 'I mean, we've never even met, and I tried to take your head off.'

'You would not be the first one to try.' Amora reassured the young sword-wielding hero. 'Think nothing of it, you were not yourself.'

'I still feel really guilty.' Kylun shook his head sadly. 'It wasn't very nice of me attacking a lady.' Amora couldn't help but laugh at that.

'Heh. It has been a long time since anybody has called me a lady.'

'What do you mean, ma'am?' Kylun inquired.

'Well, let us say that I have not exactly led a heroic life.' Amora responded.

Elsewhere, Captain Britain was talking to Albion, his doppelganger from an alternate reality.

'I'm still confused as to why you're here.' Cap said. 'I understand why Linda's here, her home reality was destroyed, but what brings you to this reality?'

'Explanations will have to wait, Braddock.' Albion answered. 'We have much work to do after the trouble Courtney Ross put us through. '

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**Meanwhile-**

Courtney Ross materialized in her penthouse suite elsewhere in London. Courtney frowned angrily. She could sense that she wasn't the only one in her apartment.

'Come out and show yourself.' The woman challenged as she reached for a desk side lamp. 'Unless you want your head bashed in.'

'Ah, my dear Ms Ross…' A voice chuckled from the shadows. 'Why so serious?' The figure speaking to her stepped out of the shadows revealing a figure dressed in green-and-yellow robes and a horned crown. It was Loki, the Asgardian God of Mischief. 'I have come here to make you a deal, Ms Ross. Or should I call you Opal Lun Sat-Yr-9?'

'So, you know my true identity.' Sat-Yr-9 glowered at the God of Mischief. 'What's this deal you speak of?'

Loki smiled charmingly as he put an arm around the blonde woman's shoulders. 'Why, what other reason than good old-fashioned mischief?'

**TBC…**

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**Next: Rock Trolls of London**

_In an _'Uncanny Cabal' _tie-in, Sat-Yr-9 sends Ulik the Rock Troll to attack her enemies in Excalibur._


End file.
